At a lame parking lot, on a smoke break at around 10:25 PM, you’d see us – sharing either the most comfortable silence or the most ridiculous noise from each other’s rants about the job we both hated. We’d both just go out and squeeze a good 10-minute smoke break just to ease ourselves from all the stress and bullshit. We’d both share our doubts about life, our hopes for ourselves, our fears, goals, guilty pleasures, even fetishes. We’d end up feeling a little better after that good 10 minutes.
And those 10 minutes became 15, and 30, until we had agreed we would meet at that lame parking lot at 10:25 PM to just breathe.
We became each other’s escape.
Stories became deeper, more personal. We both became comfortable with each other – too comfortable – until we started looking into each other’s eyes seeing something we’d both never seen before, something beautiful. It was something that makes you wanna puke but in a good way. It’s like being drunk and loving every bit of it, hangover included.
At that parking lot, I started to find comfort in you.
We started to not just look but feel. That lame parking lot became a mere witness of how these feelings started to grow. Until one night, we sealed it not with another stick of cigarette but with a kiss – a kiss so perfect it could clear up the sky.
“You taste like cigarette,” you told me. I should have been offended, but I took it as a compliment.
We were each other’s hope.
We started to be more excited about coming to work despite the loathing. We started to look forward to every chance we could sneak and make out. We started smoking less and talking more – eager to learn more about each other.
The smoke breaks were no longer just smoke breaks, they’ve become our time and we sure did make the most out of it.
We started digging each other’s graves, trusting we’d both accept every skeleton we managed to keep in our own closets for long. And that time my skeletons and your graves became ours.
We left the parking lot and started to explore places as we explore each other. We started to reveal a side of ourselves we were afraid we’d get judged for yet we managed to accept every side and every angle of. We started to show our weaknesses and that only made us even stronger.
…And just like that, we became each other’s anchor.
We started to be each other’s strength. “When it’s your time to weak, it’s my time to be strong,” we’d always say. We started to see this strength we both managed to build for each other. It was that time when everything was fixed with a mere I love you or I got you or I got us.
And all the smoke breaks in between became smoke breaks filled with kisses, warm embrace and I love you.
It was the most beautiful, the way your fingers would run down my hair every night until I fall asleep. It was the most amazing the way you’d wipe my tears every time I feel like I hadn’t done anything good. It was the most comforting every time we find ourselves in each other’s arms in the middle of the night. It was the most assuring every time you tell me we got this. And we did. We had it.
…Until we were each other’s challenge.
We both started to feel it’s becoming a lot of work dealing with each other. We started yelling at each other, shutting the door to each other’s faces. We became so difficult. The skeletons and graves we dug and accepted became our weapons against each other. We started using each other’s past to prove each other’s points. We started to become too exhausted to keep a promise we once made that we’ll never sleep upset with each other. We started putting each other down.
And those smoke breaks at a parking lot we used to enjoy together had become a habit to get rid of each other.
…And then we were each other’s poison.
We stopped talking because nothing good comes out of our mouths whenever we attempt to. We started to see being together as something we have to endure and not something we long for every day. We started to be accusing, manipulative, wanting to be superior over the other. We became each other’s competition, tearing each other down, putting down every strength we’ve come to build for each other.
At that point, we knew that we had worked hard enough, and it’s time to let go.
And at that same lame parking lot, at 10:25 PM, we shared our last cigarette together. We still looked into each other’s eyes but this time eyes on a verge of crying. It was the last smoke break we had as we both agreed how this could be the best for us and how this could make us better people and how this could make us grow.
We had come to an end.
Until now I would go to that lame parking lot for a smoke break only this time without you. It’s funny how it’s so familiar yet so different. I still remember how we became each other’s escape, hope, anchor, challenge, and eventually poison we had to take out of our systems. I got a lot of things from what we had, good and bad. And I have come to realize we were not meant to make it, but we were meant to be each other’s a little bit of everything.
And as I took a drag of that cigarette, it was all clear to me.
We are nothing but each other’s lesson.