Thought Catalog

Don’t Try To Find Someone Else, Find Yourself First

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Allef Vinicius

I used to be one of those people who’d always tell their friends to leave their shitty relationship and find someone who knows their worth – who will love them the way the deserve to be loved; who will be there for them through thick and thin; who will accept them for who they are, and will give them all the love in the world – until I grew tired of it. Even I was struggling to find that person who would meet, if not go beyond, all the standards I’ve always set for myself. Because who wouldn’t want that, right? Who wouldn’t want to be with someone who would make us feel like we’re the most beautiful and loved? Everyone does, even the most cold-hearted person you know. Then it hit me – no. We don’t leave to find someone else. We leave and find ourselves.

Do not find that person, or even wait for that person to find you. Be that person, because among all the people in this world, only you know who you are and who you want to be. Only you would understand yourself and the things that you want. Only you would know what will make you genuinely and ridiculously happy. Give yourself that kind of love because of all people, you are the only one who knows what you deserve.

Cut the chase. Stop chasing those people you think would make more meaning and colors into this life you think is dull. Stop begging for love, for acceptance, for appreciation and start giving all these to yourself. Nothing is more beautiful than the love you give yourself, and it’ll eventually reflect on how you are as a person; it’ll change your perspectives about life.

It’ll make you realize how life is so amazing even without these people you first think you couldn’t live without. Cut the ties. Stop being so fucking content of the shitty situation you think is better than none at all. Treat yourself well, and these people would never dare treat you like trash simply because they know you’ve become someone no one can ever mess with.

Embrace the independence. Buy yourself something nice. Treat yourself to fancy dinners. Watch the movies you’ve always wanted to watch. Read that book you’ve always been eyeing in that bookstore. Spoil yourself.

Do not think of independence as a curse. Stop believing those who tell you you’ll even be a lot happier if you’re sharing all these things with someone so significant. Stop seeking for approval and just do it. Take as much risks as you can, then learn and grow from it. Take that job you’ve always wanted but couldn’t because they’re telling you it’s just a waste of time. Live in that apartment you can only afford as of now.

Allow yourself to struggle, and you’ll come to see how tough you are as a person, and how capable you are to face all these – even without someone who would baby you out of your misery.

Be bold. Involve yourself in the things that matter more. Instead of questioning yourself why you were left there in a corner broken; instead of asking why all these ugly things had to happen to you; instead of wallowing in this awful state of loneliness, find your purpose. Educate yourself with things that means more than just your failed relationship – and there are a lot out there. Go get your voice heard, and if they don’t hear you enough, speak louder.

No, you don’t have to find that person who’ll give you purpose. You can be alone and you will be just fine – better, even. Know that there’s a fine line between being alone and lonely, and just because you are alone right now, doesn’t mean you have to be lonely. Just because you are alone right now, doesn’t mean you can’t get the love you know you deserve. You know what you deserve, start giving that to yourself. TC mark

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