36 Signs That The Person You’re Dating Is Toxic
Are you dating a toxic person?
1. All their exes are ‘crazy.’
“All their exes are ‘crazy.’”
2. They are on bad terms with everyone they have ever had a relationship with.
“They are on bad terms with everyone they have ever had a relationship with (significant others, past friendships, their own family members). Nothing is ever their fault and they never acknowledge their part in conflicts.”
3. They’re never the source of all the ‘drama’ in their life.
“Everything is always happening to them. Somehow they’re never the source of the drama, just everyone around them is totally insane.”
4. They make you feel that you’re the crazy one.
“For me, a good clue is you’ll start to feel that you’re crazy around this person (because the manipulation is often extremely subtle) for the doubts or thoughts you have, and you’ve never felt like this before or don’t feel the same with other people.”
5. They say mean things, then say they’re only ‘joking’ when you call them on it.
“They’re really mean. Then when you say, ‘You’re being mean,’” they say, ‘Damn dude I was just kidding. Can’t you take a joke?’”
6. All their anger is justified, but none of yours is.
“All their anger is justified, but when you’re mad or upset you’re being unreasonable and sensitive and inconsiderate.”
7. They only contact you, talk to you, or initiate a conversation if they’re asking for something.
“They only contact you, talk to you, or initiate a conversation if they’re asking for something.”
8. They convince you that you’re the crazy one.
“Making you convinced that you’re the manipulator/crazy one to excuse their actions. Unfortunately, if they’re a good manipulator, it might be hard to tell while your still in the relationship.”
9. They think the world is out to get them.
“I work with a toxic person.
She is known for being the center of attention until something bad happens, then the blame goes to someone else… and she will be the first person to throw you under the bus.
In her mind the world is out to get her and it isn’t fair.”
10. They embarrass and belittle you in front of other people.
“Embarrassing and belittling you in front of other people. Gas lighting you. Blaming all of their problems on everyone else—nothing is ever their fault.”
11. They don’t ‘let’ you spend time with other people.
“Not ‘allowing’ you to spend time with other people, only contacting you in times of crisis and then demanding for all of your time, swift mood changing when they don’t get their way, constantly blaming and shaming you for small things or things you didn’t do.”
12. They always get their way because they can’t handle anything else.
“A person doesn’t have to be a full-blown psychopath or master manipulator to be a toxic person. They may simply lack the emotional intelligence to deal with disappointment, and genuinely believe that you are the asshole for not going along with them.
If someone always gets their way because they can’t handle anything else, they’re toxic. Don’t waste time trying to fix them or you’ll just get wrapped up in their bullshit.”
13. They demand more respect from you than they give to you.
“They demand more respect from you than they give to you.
They demand special treatment. You suddenly have the urge to say ‘I’m sorry’ when you’re around them, even if you’re not Canadian.”
14. They suck the life you of you.
“1 Make you doubt yourself. You start to wonder if you’ve always been a terrible person, and no one’s told you yet.
2 They have a long list of friends that apparently all turned into assholes. There’s quite a few AMAZING friends and a whole lot of FUCKING ASSHOLES that used to be the amazing friends. These people put up with the toxic person’s shit, wizened up, and left. The common thread is the toxic person.
3 They do anything for you, especially things that are wildly over the top and public ally visible. These are not out of generosity! These are done so that the toxic person can hold them over your head down the line, and question why you don’t do more for them.
4 They convince you that no one else cares for you. This is done with a mixture between doting on you and convincing you that you’re so worthless that it’s frankly charity that the toxic person keeps you around. This alienates you from everyone else.
Honestly, some people will suck the life out of you. Don’t light yourself on fire to keep them warm. You feel alone, but I guarantee people on the periphery can see the toxic person for who they are, and will welcome you back when you break free. And if they don’t, fuck em.”
15. They constantly use ‘non-apologies,’ i.e., ‘Sorry if you thought I…’
“People who constantly use ‘non-apologies,’ i.e., ‘Sorry if you thought I…’ or something that implies the fault is your perception rather than their direct actions. It’s not a real apology and they don’t think they did jack shit wrong.
I’ve noticed that trend with certain people. 9 times out of 10, if that’s their go-to apology format, they end up being shitty people.”
16. The MINUTE that you get away from them it feels like ‘ah, I can FINALLY relax!’
“The MINUTE that you get away from them it feels like ‘ah, I can FINALLY relax!’
A lot of times you don’t realize that you’re walking on eggshells around someone who’s ‘trained’ you until you get away from them for a few minutes and realize how much better you feel.”
17. At first they love-bomb you.
“Love-bombing. Someone who slowly integrates themselves into your every day activities, texts you all the time but not to the point of annoyance, convinces you to hang out with them all the time to the point you start neglecting your other friends, paying for everything, generally doing and saying all the right things to make you just adore them and make you think you need them. Then once they have you, the subtle insults start…then they get more frequent, then they get less subtle…until your self-worth is literally in the trash and they start yelling and screaming at you for being yourself.
Source: happened to me.”
18. They slowly isolate you from your friends.
“In my experience, (with a romantic interest) they’ll start off being pretty much everything you’ve ever wanted, but things move WAY too fast. You’ll probably like the attention while also feeling like it’s too good to be true. It is. They’ll constantly be there, calling, texting, hanging around you. Before you know it they’ve moved themselves in with you.
Then they’ll slowly start picking off your friends. But they’ll make it seem like it’s in your best interest. ‘Oh, Sarah is a whore, you don’t want people to think you are too’ … ‘Chris isn’t really your friend, I know how guys think, he just wants in your pants.’ Suddenly, you have no friends. They’ll do the same to your family.
Then they’ll work on whatever you love. Hobbies, TV shows, movies, etc. Everything is stupid. Then out goes your self esteem. ‘Why do you always wear that color?’ … ‘only whores wear that’ … ‘you look stupid with makeup’ or low-key tell you you’re fat.
After they hollowed you out to a shell of your former self the abuse really gets going. They’ll call you every name in the book then act like they never did anything when you get angry and make you look like your crazy. To them, you’re overreacting to everything but if it happens to them its the end of the world. They’re never wrong. Always the victim. Nothing is their fault.”
19. They delight in keeping you on edge.
“People like this delight in keeping the people around them on edge because someone who is unsure of themselves is much easier to push around. They often start small.
As an example, a guy I dated for a couple of months told me that the height I said I was incorrect. He insisted I’m an inch taller than I think I am. This conversation actually happened multiple times. It probably wouldn’t enter into a normal person’s head to contest something like that even if the other person was in the wrong, but someone who is manipulative looks for any opportunity to get you to question yourself. The goal for them is little by little you start to question yourself and rely on the manipulative person to be your compass. I got out of the relationship because something didn’t feel right and during the breakup he actually had the balls to say that entire conversations we had had never happened. Bullet dodged.”
20. You have a gut feeling that something’s wrong with them.
“A big grain of salt: these people are crazy fun to be friends while while you’re friends. The attention, the intimacy, the hijinks. Possibly the best time of your life. But the high is always followed by a crash and if you don’t see it coming, this crash is going to make you question your ability to read people.
There’s no best way to identify toxic people but generally if you have a suspicion or gut feeling, there’s a reason. Try to be tactful but bring it up with your friend, especially if you keep getting the feeling but can’t figure out why on your own. They’ll either work with you or accelerate the process of working against you. Either way you should be better off in the long run.”
21. They will tell you that you don’t actually feel the way you say you do.
“Toxic people will often challenge you on how / why events happened. It’s either because they’re deliberately trying to gaslight you, or they’re so narcissistic that they’ve already internally rationalized the event to support their needs.
Toxic people will also challenge you on your feelings—they will tell you that you don’t actually feel a certain way or that you ought not to feel a certain way.”
22. They needle you constantly, then call you ‘defensive’ when you react.
“In my experience—people who needle you to get you upset to make you look unreasonable.
I’ve worked in a few toxic environments and have had some real masters of passive-aggression in my life. In this case, they love to needle the hell out of you, overload you with work, and then pick-pick-pick at you until you react, and then its, ‘Woah woah woah!!! Why are you getting so defensive? and flustered?’
Fuck those people.
Other kinds of manipulation include people who basically shift all social interaction and behavior to conform to their whims and desires and enforce this with emotional extremes- either anger, pouting, or self-pity. In short, if you feel like you’re ‘walking on eggshells’ with this person when there is no legitimate reason for you to be doing so- that person is toxic- and it’s time to get away.”
23. They give you backhanded compliments.
“You also have to keep in mind that flattery is insincere and not the same as complimenting or reassuring someone. The false compliments are a subtle way of bringing up an insecurity so that you’re thinking about it again and again. It’s also different than a backhanded compliment, which is more obviously insulting. I’ll give an example:
You’re dating a very overweight woman who feels self-conscious about her looks. How do you treat her?
Normal, supportive partner: Offer support, tell her that you love her for who she is and think she’s beautiful, tell her you’re attracted to her
Abusive partner:
For comparison’s sake, here’s a backhanded compliment that an abusive partner may make. It’s fairly obvious that this is cruel. I love big women! You don’t have that whole ‘beauty queen’ thing going on. Or A lot of women your size would never wear something that short, but I like how confident you are!
The subtle trait in question, flattering your insecurities: You may tell her outright that she’s very thin, introduce her to your friends as ‘Jane the bikini model,’ tell her that you’re worried about breaking her bones during sex because she’s so slender, point out young women in mini skirts and tell her that she’d look hot in something like that, act surprised and confused if she has weight-related health issues.
There’s a really slimy feel to it. It’s a compliment, and compliments are nice, but these leave you feeling worse about yourself.”
24. They don’t tell you when they’re upset.
“They don’t tell you when they’re upset, they just imply it and give you cold shoulders until you ask them and cater to them. Also, if they do this but then invalidate you when YOU are upset.”
25. They have lots of former friends who are all assholes or bitches.
“They have lots of former friends who are all assholes or bitches.
Their current social group haven’t known them that long.
Toxic people can’t keep friends for long.
Some people can be manipulative without being assholes. I managed to manipulate a female friend into moving away to a different city so she could get away from her abusive ex.”
26. They make you doubt yourself.
“They make you doubt yourself. You could be 100% sure that you are correct, but they will somehow make you doubt the facts.
They often work on small basis of truths, and manipulate/exaggerate them. It must make it easier for them to remember their lies.
They will make you feel like you owe them. They’ve done you a little favor? My God, they will hold it against you forever.
They put themselves on a pedestal. They can do no wrong, while everything you say or do is wrong.
They will make you feel like you are crazy.”
27. You feel more insecure around them than anyone else yet still feel very drawn to them.
“When you feel more insecure around them than anyone else yet still feel very drawn to them. When someone is constantly pointing out your flaws but wrapping it in a compliment so you cant really get mad.. when you go back over conversations with that person in your mind and realize they were manipulating you and you literally had no clue at the time. To me the most toxic people are the ones who do it so well. LISTEN TO YOUR CLOSE FRIENDS if they say things don’t seem right. Sometimes your too close to the situation to realize whats going on.”
28. They demand respect, yet show little to no respect for you.
They act differently in front of you vs their ‘friends’ or coworkers.
They will blame you for ANYTHING that could possibly be their fault by twisting your words to make you at fault.
They demand respect, yet show little to no respect for you.
They try to control your life, ex: asking questions about your whereabouts, what you’re doing, etc.
They always try to one-up you, ex: You might say you had a hard day, they’ll say something along of the day they had was hard as well, then describe why they had a worse day than you.
They will always try to get the last word in, in an argument. >
Source: I was raised by a narcissist.”
29. They try to convince you to stop seeing your friends and do whatever they can to keep you away from your family.
“When they try to convince you to stop seeing your friends and do whatever they can to keep you away from your family. That’s a HUGE RED FLAG that you need to leave the relationship.
Also, when they NEVER have anything good to say. Everything is always a complaint or everything consists of something bad happening to them. And all their friends are ‘assholes.’
Source: Been there.”
30. They lie when they have no reason to.
“They lie when they have no reason to. If lying has been made habit, it means they have done it a lot. If you hear a lie, where the truth has no consequence, you can never trust another word out of their mouth.
Everything is your fault. Is there a misunderstanding between you two? Was it due to them miscommunicating to you? Did they provoke you to do what it is you did? Did they entrap you in any way? Well… it’s all your fault. You made them act the way they did, and there is no consequence for them making you act the way you did. If you ever apologize to this, they own you.
Gaslighting. This is where they insist that your memory is wrong. Whether they convince you that you misheard them, said something you didn’t say, did something you didn’t do, etc., your recollection is always wrong. This is meant to train you to not question their judgement, since you no longer trust your own. If they get you in this trap they can feed you lies, that you know are lies! But then you think that what you know is wrong, so they must be telling the truth.
Guilt trips. Did you have to cancel spending time with them to see your family? Well they’ll make you feel so terrible about it you don’t enjoy one second of the outing, and when you come back home you will apologize profusely. You will make it up to them like an indentured servant.”
31. Everything is everyone else’s fault.
“Everything is everyone else’s fault.
They get fired? Their boss is an asshole.
They don’t have any friends? because people are bitches and can’t deal with their honesty.
Their relationship is on the rocks? their SO doesn’t get them.
the list goes on and on…”
32. Anytime there is juicy drama gossip around, they have to use it till they wear a hole in it.
“Everything you aspire to is ‘impossible’ or ‘not worth doing’ – I’m not talking about ‘I’m going to be a rock star’ or ‘I’m going to join NASA,’ I’m talking about simple things like major purchases and whatnot, they just point out how impossible and hard it is. Yes, I am a toxic person myself, that’s why I do my best to quarantine myself from other humans. Sadly, some of this negativity can be truth.
They have some judgmental comment about any person other than themselves that they bring up. They wonder why you don’t have kids yet past 30, or why you did not get a promotion in 3 years, or why you don’t own a newer car, or have a better home, or don’t do this or that. They make you feel bad for it.
Anytime there is juicy drama gossip around, they have to use it till they wear a hole in it. IE, they know you don’t like someone, so they send it around to everyone else, and then claim YOU are the one spreading gossip. These people need hunted like a wild animal and their skin used to make a leather jacket.”
33. They make you doubt yourself.
“They make you doubt yourself. You could be 100% sure that you are correct, but they will somehow make you doubt the facts.
They often work on small basis of truths, and manipulate/exaggerate them. It must make it easier for them to remember their lies.
They will make you feel like you owe them. They’ve done you a little favour? My God, they will hold it against you forever.
They put themselves on a pedestal. They can do no wrong, while everything you say or do is wrong.
They will make you feel like you are crazy.”
34. They take advantage of your kindness.
“When they take advantage of your kindness. When they twist and turn your entire life to their needs and desires. As other have said, the narcissistic quality of blaming others but never themselves. When they make you feel like complete and utter shit for not helping one time, for not being there at the right time.
When…they manipulate you to do things you normally would never do because they’d kill themselves otherwise. When they make you focus each and every fiber of your limited being to their satisfaction. When they force guilt on you for you being the reason they want to off themselves because one thing you did that they did not like…leaving you so, so confused.
Continue to be kind…but never let someone take advantage of you. 8 year old idealistic me would be disappointed in me because I never go out of my way for people anymore. But alas…I cannot be blamed, not after that.”
35. They try to tell you what your intentions are.
“They try to tell you what your intentions are. ‘You only do that because,’ etc.”
36. They gaslight you.
“Gaslighting—making out that you’re crazy or confused by strenuously denying an event, action or speech ever happened, making you doubt yourself and go crazy from the lack of recognition of your feelings.
Also, saying shit like: ‘If you loved me, you’d let me do xyz.’”
