1. I’ve never had a boyfriend.
“I’ve never had a boyfriend. That means I’ve never had a boyfriend beat me. Never had a boyfriend cheat on me. Never had a boyfriend forget my birthday. Never had a boyfriend break my heart. Tell me again why I have a problem?”
2. I like sex more than I like people.
“As I understand it, being a ‘relationship virgin’ doesn’t mean you’ve never had sex. It just means you’ve never been tied down exclusively with someone. That describes me perfectly. I love having sex. I just hate hanging around for the inevitable pillow talk. For me it’s ‘Wham…BAM…OK, what’s on TV?’”
3. Valentine’s Day is the worst.
“I can handle most of the year, really. There’s a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. I’m alone 364 days of the year, no problem. But on Valentine’s Day I’m so lonely I just drink myself to sleep.”
4. I fear that I’m too unique.
“I’ve come to the grim conclusion that I’m so unique—not fantastic, not brilliant, not exceptional, just different—that there will never be anyone who’ll want to be with me for too long. I’ve never gone on more than three dates with anyone. I’ve learned to accept the probability that my life will consist of a career, a few hobbies, and a couple cats.”
5. I push people away.
“I think most people lose their minds and their dignity when they get involved in romantic relationships. I don’t want to lose any part of me in someone else. I have sexual feelings toward people, and sometimes even a sort of affection, but there’s a huge stone wall around my heart and no one is ever getting in there. I’ve seen far more people ruined by love than saved by it.”
6. When I reached in for a kiss, she laughed in my face.
“I’ve been on one date in my life. It was a girl in my freshman college math class. I’d been crushing on her for weeks. I had to ask her out four times before she agreed. We had dinner. I walked her back to her apartment. When I reached in for a goodnight kiss, she laughed in my face. I was nineteen. That was nine years ago. I haven’t asked a girl out since.”
7. Relationships are a form of slavery.
“Have you ever listened to the phrases people use to describe marriage? ‘Getting hitched.’ ‘Ball and chain.’ ‘Tying the knot.’ Why don’t they just say ‘Tightening the noose’? I can—and do—have sex with people, but they minute they try and act like I’m their property, I vanish in a puff of smoke.”
8. Does it count if it’s long-distance with a person you’ve never met?
“I’ve never had sex with anyone and I’ve never had a girlfriend in the traditional sense. There’s a girl who lives about 600 miles away from me that I’ve been speaking to romantically for almost a year now. We do video chats and send text messages and swap pictures and even tell one another that we love each other. But I’ve never met her in person nor even touched her. Does that count as a relationship?”
9. It just feels…normal?
“It’s sort of like…regular life? How could I tell you what it’s like to be single when all I’ve ever been is single? I have nothing to compare it to. It just feels normal. I guess one day I’ll need to have a relationship; that way I’ll be able to tell you whether ‘normal’ feels good or bad.”
10. It makes me feel like damaged goods.
“A long time ago, if you lost your virginity before marriage you were ‘damaged goods.’ Now the pendulum has swung totally in the other direction—if you’re considered ‘marrying age’ and still haven’t had sex, people act like there’s something wrong with you. If you’re a guy, you’re a creeper; if you’re a woman, you’re a spinster. Either way, our society acts like there’s something wrong just because you haven’t been regularly rutting like some barnyard animal. So, yeah, being a virgin these days probably feels like being a ‘whore’ felt like when that was the socially unacceptable thing. Now you’re a freak if you’re not a whore. Such is progress.”
11. It’s like I’m slowly starving to death.
“My parents and many of my friends try to console me. They act like it’s a good thing that I’m so discriminating. They all act 100% positive that the ‘right guy’ will come along one day. They tell me to be patient. Would they tell a starving person to refuse food until the right meal comes along? I try to put on a happy face, but inside I’m starving. Loneliness is eating me alive from the inside-out.”
12. I identify as asexual.
“People think that because I’ve never had a girlfriend, I’m either a failed heterosexual or a closeted gay man. The truth is that I have almost no desire for sex and thus no desire for the bullshit sort of play-acting that leads to sex in this society. You might think there’s something wrong with me, and that’s fine. I’ll just sit back and laugh as I watch people destroy their lives as they let themselves be led around by their genitals. I’d rather be alone than bounce like a pinball from one toxic person to the next.”
13. I’d only want a boy around for killing spiders and fixing leaky faucets.
“I can go on Tinder, swipe right six times, and have six men at my door in a half hour, tongues wagging and ready to please. Tell me again why I should limit my options and stick with one asshole mommy’s boy who’s going to need me to wipe his bottom and pick out his clothes for the day? Boys are good for sex, for killing spiders, and for fixing leaky faucets. Otherwise, my female friends fulfill all of my relationship needs, thanks.”
14. I tell people I’m picky.
“When people ask why I’ve never had a boyfriend, I tell them I’m picky. But that’s a lie. The truth is that no one has ever picked me.”