It’s so insanely typical for people to be friends long before either of them think they can be anything else. It’s even more typical for friendships to crash and burn when people get lonely and act on temporary feelings. So what, you get each other. Does that mean anything other than the fact that you will indubitably burn a bridge with someone you love? Love as in, you don’t want them to die. Love, as in like your brother like you tell everyone, love as in the most annoying human being on the planet, but also the funniest person you’ve ever met. Love, as in you didn’t feel like a total freak until you crossed that line and then you had to figure out where to go from there. Love, as in you’d probably call them for a ride home when you’re drunk and don’t want drive, but you wouldn’t go home with them.
Or at least you shouldn’t have, and shortly after you realize what a mistake it was when seeing him with his girlfriend actually makes you mad and you’re flashing back to that one time before you even gave a shit. When you abandoned your morals and your code and everything you’ve ever agreed with, life can seem exhilarating. When you have someone who is seemingly worried to lose you, to choose you, and to spend their time with you over someone else can seem pretty enticing when you haven’t felt first in so long.
It’s way too easy to forget to put yourself first when someone else is acting like they are going to do it for you.
So, you weigh the risk and surprise yourself when you’re thinking this might really be able to work. If only any of it were a real thing, instead of you just being lonely and someone you’ve always got along with but swore up and down to everyone that “Oh my God, no way, he’s like my brother.” No, he isn’t because your brother wouldn’t want to sleep with you. So, while it’s always been like that, doesn’t mean you have to follow through. If you think it’s going to complicate things, it probably will. If you think you’re going to lose something that was more important than a relationship itself, you probably will. And if you don’t know this already, the other woman never wins. Ever. You will look like an idiot, and feel like an even bigger one. I don’t care how good of friends you were. None of it is ever going to make sense to you, but you have to stop and think. Your heart and your head and never in sync, and his goes without saying. It has nothing to do with either. I know you feel like you have nothing else to offer, but you do, he just doesn’t see it, no matter how good of friends you thought you were. You can play pretend and try to escape and soak up as much attention as you want but you will be left to yourself and you will be forced to deal with not only the humiliation, loneliness, and your phone not ringing anymore with a FaceTime call, but you will be forced to deal with feeling used, feeling guilty, and losing a friend. Or two.
The only thing this has done is give you someone to miss, a reason to listen to those Lana Del Rey songs you love, something to cry about, and something to talk about.
In the midst of all the curiosity, you’ve burned a bridge and given everyone else in a pretty small town something to talk about. It’s one more thing to hide, one more thing to regret, and one more reason why you shouldn’t be his friend. You put yourself in a position to be chosen second, and even after everything, you still were. There’s a reason you aren’t mad, and it’s because you knew you were wrong and you knew you deserved it. You might’ve thought at the time it was what you wanted but it wasn’t really anything other than his attention and feeling like maybe you aren’t so alone. Maybe were just looking for the next familiar thing. You can run down the list of things that you should’ve changed but you won’t get anywhere until you realize that it doesn’t matter how much changing you do, the symbol you now know that your ‘friend’ saw you as remained the same and no one feels bad except for you. There is too much risk to be taken, and being okay with being broken up with (in a situationship sense, not a relationship) is basically the only choice you have because even though your friends know why it hurts, no one else will.
So, when you feel like an idiot and shallow and feel like you’ve created a bigger mess than you ever intended too, you have to read the fine print.
You have to know that you gave it shot (despite all of these years of swearing you never would) and you have to realize that even though it failed, it was still worth it. It was worth it because if you didn’t want in the moment, it wouldn’t have happened. You can’t blame fate on everything. It wasn’t fate, it was a choice, and now, the choice is yours—– let it consume you, let it drag you down, let it make you feel like you are unworthy of anything else, let it make you feel like you will never do better, let it make you feel like you don’t deserve any better.
Or, you can leave with some dignity, some honesty and some mental clarity that you tried and it didn’t work. You can leave with the fact that you were right when you said you should stay friends. You can leave with a note of your feelings and how they were hurt and for the first time in your life you can leave without anger or animosity and a true, “I wish you the best” because you really, really do. You can take away all the truth you’ve realized about “If he will do it to her, he will do it to you”, and you can leave without ever having to be that girl again. You can leave knowing the cycle will continue because the boy is lost and he isn’t going to find his way. It’ll be someone else, and around and around they will go.
You can understand finally that no, you can’t walk into the fire without getting burned.
Nobody is resistant to that. You can call all of your friends and screenshot the messages and cry because you lost a friend, and you can feel like it’s your fault but you must remember that sometimes it isn’t worth the risk, it is hardly ever worth the risk and not one person on this planet will change who they are for you unless they want too, and you shouldn’t have to change them to begin with. You have to be okay with hearing “We have to stop this,” and the reasoning being that he still loves her. Or whatever, but you have to be okay with it. It was messy from the beginning, and you are the only one with any sense to clean it up. So do it. Agree to disagree, accept defeat, accept the fact that you were wrong, and let it go.
You have to be okay with the short time you had no idea what the hell you were doing with him. Who wants to keep second guessing everything anyway?