I Spent A Year In Australia And The Boys Here Were Nothing Like I Expected (Or, The Good, Bad, And The Ugly About Australian Boys)

Let me start by saying that the boys here were nothing like I expected.

Updated 10 years ago, June 17, 2014

Boys. It’s the one topic I love to hate, and is undoubtedly the first thing everybody asks about. I never came here looking for love, but having drinks with a Hemsworth brother look-a-like was on my to-do list, and has yet to be accomplished…

So before I ruin nearly every American girl’s fantasy, I strongly advise you to read further at your own risk. I warned you, and I’m sorry, if you so choose to move forward.

Let me start by saying that the boys here were nothing like I expected. Maybe it’s Perth. Maybe it’s me. Or maybe, just maybe, our vision was blurred and tainted by the beautiful sound of an Aussie man’s voice.

I, like the rest of you, pictured laid back surfer types with terribly adorable accents. They would be charming, intellectual, and simultaneously witty and sarcastic. They would have piercing blue eyes and beautifully tanned skin, and be spontaneous, yet romantic. They would also play guitar and sing me lullabies and scratch my back at my request. And they would spoon feed me ice cream while I watch the Bachelorette. And guess what? They would love every second of it.

OK. Asking too much?

I may have exaggerated a bit, but a girl can dream right? And while my expectations aren’t aaaactually that high, I didn’t know I would be sooo far off the radar on this one. And while I’m making huge generalizations based on a select community of guys from Perth, I’ve done my fair share of research to be able to speak decently on this topic. I speak both from personal experience, and from the help of people I know in the area.

And so, with that being said, I present the list.

The Good:

1. The surfing culture. It exists y’all. And the tan skin and fit physique usually comes as an added bonus. They’re sometimes hard to find, and not always a Perth native, but they’re here, and I do love them. Tremendously.

2. They’re outdoorsy. The weather helps, but people are always out and about here. Running, cycling, diving, fishing, camping, boating, etc.

3. They have accents. It used to make me swoon. Seriously swoon. As in, fall-in-love-with anyone-who-spoke, kind of swoon. It has unfortunately lost it’s novelty a bit since I don’t hear it quite like I used to. It tends to just sound normal to me. But for those of you not yet used to hearing it every day, it’s still quite attractive.

4. And finally, they generally like my accent. So… that’s cool. I’ve had to tell my life story 8,732 times since I moved here because of it, but I kind of dig it.

The Bad:

1. Bro tanks. I can’t deal. Only because the weather is SO damn hot in the summer time, will I give them a little slack on this one. There’s just something about throwing your disgustingly large muscles in my face, that screams douche canoe. I’m sorry. Please stop. It hurts my eyes.

2. They make A LOT of money. Generally this is not a bad thing, but it can and often does lead to greed, deception, and a whole lot of cockiness. If I hear one more person brag about their money, lawd help me.

3. While Aussie culture encourages traveling and gap years (time off between school and college or career), I don’t think enough of them take advantage. I always thought it was something a lot of people did, but I’m learning more and more that a drunken trip to Bali is sometimes as worldly as they get.

The Ugly:

1. Jorts. I CAN’T. there is no excuse for men to wear cut off jeans shorts. ever.

2. Speedos. NO.

3. Short-sleeved hawaiian-looking button downs and tight pants. What IS this and why do I see it everywhere I go?!!?!?!

3. Wearing sunnies (sunglasses) in the bar. It’s dark. Why God, WHY?

4. The inability to approach women. Now now, part of this could be because they’re not interested in me, of course. BUT, I’m speaking about the men that HAVE approached me or my friends, and what an obvious disaster it was.

Like the time someone offered to buy me a drink (which is RARE in itself here as they cost an absolute fortune). And when I asked for a beer, he told me I could only have a mixed drink. And so, I ordered both. take that sucka.
Like the time I witnessed a man take 10 minutes to drink a tequila shot while trying to be impressive. I’m sorry, but go away. That’s just despicable.
Like the time I got stalked for months on end. Get your winky faces and over-use of emojis away from me. Thank you and G’Day.

Now just incase you’re an Aussie who now hates me, or an American girl who wants to gouge my eyes out with a fork, I meant this mostly in good fun. The truth is, Aussie guys can be just as wonderful as my lovely fellas back home, and they can be just as god awful, too. One thing is for sure though, it’s always an adventure.