RomanceDating

Is He Ghosting You Or Was He Never Really There To Begin With?

It felt real. Girl meets boy. Boy charms girl. Girl likes boy, and then you fall. Hard. But the tough truth is, they were never really yours to begin with.

You have to remember you cannot claim a person. And furthermore, they don’t owe you anything. It’s harsh, it hurts, and sometimes it feels unfair, but the sooner you realize this, the less likely you’ll spend time feeling down about these meaningless connections where he was never likely to stay.

So maybe you’re being ghosted, or maybe he was never really there to begin with, and here’s how you can tell:

1. You’ve never been on an “actual date”

That’s because most of your hangouts were overglorified Netflix and Chill nights or maybe an occasional quick drink. The truth is, if it were meant to be more than a casual item, he would pursue you and at least put some effort in to courting you. And no, drive thrus do not count as “getting dinner.”

Screw that, you deserve a proper date and the chance to feel special.

2. He has mentioned his lack of commitment indirectly or directly

Typically in this case, these people suck at being direct and honest in relationships. But oftentimes he would still mention it one way or another that he did not want anything serious. Maybe a phrase like:

“Relationships are complicated”

“I’m in no rush for kids or to get married” or

“I enjoy these hang outs with you”

But bottom line is, if they don’t state their complete intent for something serious, you cannot dream of it in your head. Get rid of the thought quick, because the second you begin filling your mind with fantasies of something serious, the more it hurts if they leave.

3. Conversations were surface level and he didn’t really try to get to know you

Let me get this straight. If he truly wanted to be with you, he would make the effort to get to know every detail about you. Men are predictable like that. They want to know about your family, about how you like your coffee, your goals and dreams. Yet, when a connection is not that serious in their eyes, they will halt the conversations no further than asking what you did for the day. Don’t waste your time wishing he cared about your Caramel Macchiato with Soy milk and a dash of cinnamon order when he won’t change. If your conversations were never really deep, odds are he wasn’t planning on getting to know you beyond the façade.

And you deserve someone who does care to get to know you.

4. He only contacted you when it was convenient for him

Yep. His terms. Whenever you hang out, it is typically in the off-hours. Yet when you’ve brought up getting coffee or seeing each other on the weekend, it’s usually followed up with a suddenly busy schedule or, worst case scenario, no reply. Ladies, don’t clear your schedule for a man who won’t give up an hour for yours. Live your life and don’t give up the things you enjoy just to fit time for a man who is only half there.

5. You overthink everything and second-guessed his actions

The reality is, if you are overthinking every message and analyzing their actions to the point where it consumes your thoughts, odds are you are wasting your time.

You don’t deserve someone who makes you question everything. You don’t need to spend time with someone who doesn’t want you the way you long for them.

Because he truth is, they were never coming around. Because that’s the game for most people. They don’t want anything that requires real effort, they just want the quick moments of intimacy and attention. And I have learned that is okay, just as it is okay for you to crave real intimacy and a real connection with someone who won’t up and leave.

Most importantly, remember: it is not a reflection of you and it does not mean you are unwanted. 

But you can’t make someone fall for you if they never had any intention of falling.

What you can control is the way you love yourself. Don’t blindside yourself with someone’s half-intentions. Be ready to walk away from someone who was never really there in the first place. Be strong, and whatever you do, don’t stop showing that beautiful heart of yours. TC mark

Related

I am the only Jenna Hushka in the world. Follow Jenna on Instagram or read more articles from Jenna on Thought Catalog.