When You Realize That He’s Not Coming Back

Jiri Wagner

A fierce love. A love born where you don’t witness it’s birth. The first of it’s kind. The only of it’s kind.

The feeling of running free, your light heart dancing with you in the wind.
A brave love. The way it makes you feel unbound and on top of the world. The way nothing else in this world makes you feel. You never question your widest smiles or the deep flutters in your hearts intertwining.

Your heart is theirs, open and wild to be drummed on.

It is rebellious and rich. Your young emotions swinging in tandem.

Oh, and then, it’s over.

Then somehow, you look around and you realize it’s over. You don’t understand what just happened all of those years. And you don’t understand how you’re here now. How the genuine, supreme joy filled you. And how it can be gone. In an instant.

You’re strangers.

You remember every soft hair on his face. You remember the lines around his fingernails. You remember the way he smelled when you rolled into his arms in the morning.

And now you’re strangers.

You only left to test how strong your love is.

You only left, thinking he’d come back. Knowing—he would come back.

Your love would grow stronger because of this. This would set your love on fire again.

Let go.

But you can’t. It’s got to still be in fruition. Our future.

He’s with her, but she is certainly not me. Time has passed but we were everything.

He’s coming back.

Maybe if you, do you, it’ll give him the time and space he needs to realize he wants you back.

Let go.

You don’t feel like you’re letting go of the past, but that you’re letting go of the future.

There is no life pulsating through you. No current in your veins. No budding in these moments. The sun’s warmth touches all but your soul. Your skin, dry to the bone. Dry to your heart. Your heart light from emptiness instead of enlightenment.

Your heart, it pumps slowly as it struggles to find a beat. The sparkle from your eyes lost with the wind.

Part of you wishes you never met him. You wonder what your heart would be like. How differently you would know yourself. Life would flow through you. You could flow with life.

Let go.

All of this nobly carried you into this year, this month, this day, this moment.

Your scope is wider. You are highly aware and sensitive.

And holy shit, you are strong.

The light and darkness surround you, but you’ve faced the darkness head on—it clothed you.

And now you welcome the light. You’re ready. Through sunny cracks it softly beams onto your absorbent being.

The art of letting go. Really letting go.

The journey that brought you. The finest little moments of uncertainty, encompassing to bring you to this moment right here. It all makes sense.

Clarity. Space in your heart.

The ability to love and to breathe.

This precious energy.

The faith I practiced and held dear to my heart until this moment of true belief in it.

Oh it is a pleasure to meet myself. To now love myself more than I love him.

“You have shed a thousand skins to become the person you are today. And if you ever feel overwhelmed by the many people you once were, remember, your bones have grown, but what makes them has never changed.” — Nikita Gill. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

About the author

Jenn Montagano

bodhicitta warrior

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