Hours before you died you tweeted and I will never be able to get over your last words because they were directed to me. You died mad at me. And though I know you loved me more than anything, that isn’t enough. I forever have to live with the thought that you left this world upset at me.
We had been broken up for three years, but you were an ever present part of my life. I still remember every moment of the last time I saw you. It was September and we flew back to the states together from Panama after filming MTV’s Challenge Battle of the Exes. We got shit faced at the airport bar before we ever boarded the plane and I made you listen to Taylor Swift the entire flight. You took lots of pictures of me that day, and I always wondered if you kept them.
We departed ways at the Miami airport, I walked you to your gate, and if I known that would be the last time I saw you I would have hugged you a million times more, and though I’m not sure the exact words I would have chosen to leave you with, I know I love you would have been the very last thing I said.
But in your last days on this earth I failed you, and that’s a burden that sometimes feels to heavy to bear. You were calling a lot, mainly at 2 AM and in typical Ryan Knight fashion you would leave me an asshole voicemail when I didn’t answer. I would text you the next morning yelling at you for whatever dumbass thing you said, but now I wish I would have just woken up and spoke to you. You needed me and I wasn’t there. It still haunts me. Why were you calling so much in the middle of the night? What was wrong? What did you need? Could I have saved you?
Thanksgiving use to be my favorite holiday but now it will forever be the worst day of my life because that’s the day you left. I always knew that I would get that call. That you would be gone. You lived too fast to live a long life. You always knew that and I knew it as well, but that doesn’t ease the pain. It doesn’t justify what happened to you.
You visit me in my dreams often and you always tell me that you still love me and you try to take my pain away, even if it’s for a moment. But in my dreams, we both know how it ends, that I wake back up in a world that you don’t exist in anymore and only one of us is ok with that ending, you. And as empty as it is to live in a world without Ryan Knight, I know that you finally found the peace you couldn’t find here, that I couldn’t give you no matter how hard I tried. I cant change how you left this earth, but I promise you will forever be remembered. I’ll spend the rest of my days telling all your stories.
You’ll forever be the man, the myth, the legend.