1. Attraction.

Okay, we’re talking about grown-up men here, but attraction is still important. The difference is that adult, emotionally healthy MEN define attraction as simply what they are attracted to. Younger, insecure guys will have strict standards about how she has to be thin and have long hair and whatever else they’re scared their friends will make fun of them for not having. When we’re young our friends give us a lot of crap, so we try to live up to their expectations. As we get older, we realize it’s more important to please ourselves.

2. Not a shitshow.

Are you the girl that goes clubbing every weekend in a tiny dress? You may look hot, and we will definitely talk to you while we’re out, but by now we know this kind of girl comes with drama. Drama can be tolerable, or even exciting in your early/mid 20’s but it’s very boring and a major red flag when you think about the girl you want to settle down with. No one wants to settle down with a girl who makes their ears bleed everyday by rehashing stupid situations no one cares about.

3. Not looking to be rescued.

So, guys may feel intimidated when a girl is a major career woman and makes more money than they ever will, but they don’t want a girl who’s essentially been sitting on her hands waiting for a guy to come along and make her financially stable. It creates an unrealistic expectation in the relationship that one person will do all the work and the other person will bat her eyelashes and that’s somehow enough. That’s not a partnership.

4. She’s trustworthy.

This should go without saying so I’m not going to expand on it much. Don’t be a shady and don’t have a reputation of being a cheater. Also, don’t try to have relationships with our (male) friends without us — this means texting, gChatting a lot, or hanging out alone. Some girls do this because they think it makes them seem down to hang and chill, but it’s the opposite, it’s weird and shady.

5. She dresses up.

This goes back to attraction. There are men who are attracted to probably every kind of woman on the planet, but we all like it when you try to look nice for us. It’s something everyone does at the beginning of courtship that fall by the wayside once you ‘hook’ the other person. We want someone who isn’t going to stop putting in the work to keep the flame alive. We’re hopefully going to live with our chosen partner for 50ish years, it’s important to have someone who has the stamina for this.

6. She doesn’t mumble, and is able to converse.

Some guys like super smart girls, some guys like to be the more intelligent party in the relationship. That changes from guy to guy. What doesn’t change is that no one likes to be bored or think of themselves as only being able to attract the kind of girl capable of purely vapid conversation. Every adult should have interests and passions to talk about and they should be capable of speaking without mumbling or doing the giggle that fades into nothing — come on!

7. Baggage.

When you have kids with or get married to the wrong person it says something about your values. Why did you get married/pregnant so young? Why did you pick the wrong partner? I’ve waited to get married and have kids until I was ready and spent the time becoming the man I want to be, most people who do this appreciate it when the other person has done the same.

8. Sexual appetite.

You can be a conservative, classy woman (hell, even one that’s saving sex for marriage) and still exude a healthy sexual appetite — you’re still human, it’s natural. What I’m saying is that channeling a natural part of human nature isn’t something that’s just for a certain type of woman, or something that should fade when the relationship goes long-term. I’m sorry. Sex is important for us, we want someone that’s not just faking an interest in it until we commit (this is real, and common).

9. Adventurous.

Men and women both fear becoming boring to varying degrees. We don’t want adulthood to mean we partner up, move to the suburbs, have kids, and never do anything new or interesting again. It’s an asset to have the drive to try new things, especially as you age. It means you love life, and won’t be content to live just a small part of it. I want someone who will be my partner in an adventure, who will say yes to new things — that’s the dream.