There is a conversation energetically that I’d like to pin on men, but is realistically on all highly independent individuals in our world.
What I experience and observe within my context of dating (with men) is a situation where women are asking men to retire their beliefs that commitment means a lack of freedom.
I believe secure love can breed freedom.
This involves a man letting go of a somewhat immature belief that their ultimate independence is freedom and that commitment infringes upon that.
This is something I’ve observed through attachment theory, Esther Perel’s work and the myths of Sirens.
This highly independent, non-committal, avoidant behavior is highly celebrated by the individualistic part of our society because independence is often a strength and celebrated.
BUT, when our strengths are turned up too loud they become an inability to receive and be vulnerable.
This sandwich if you’re dating a highly independent or avoidant individual can lead to insecurity that can affect mental health, bodies and work productivity.
The highly independent attachment type who prides themselves on how this is a superior way hurts intimacy and their partners because it communicates in conflict and in day to day that “I am not responsible for your well being or needs.”
Which further perpetuates a partners insecurity in a relationship and makes it farther and farther away from them feeling safe in relationship.
These highly independent partners may be terrified of codependency, however, they often forget that dependency is natural and healthy.
Controversial to many studies that threw “helicopter parents” under the table, it has been proven that readily available (and obviously there are unhealthy dysfunctional extremes) parents actually create
a base of security love, and emotional responsibility over their child needs actually creates secure children.
I also think as a society we’ve lost track of the fact that we actually (friends, romantic, family) need to depend on one another.
Dependence isn’t codependence.
Our society has its own houses, our own cars, our own money. We are terrified of asking and receiving support because we may appear weak and not strong. And within this we don’t allow ourselves to be supported in healthy and loving ways by our communities or mates.
We don’t look to our community when we have issues in our marriage, instead, we look to our partners to be our world and to also resolve our world. We internalize which doesn’t allow perspective and also hurts us. You need a board of advisors at time and you can’t do that if you are not comfortable reaching outwards.
I feel that there needs to be a shift for us to have a healthy dependency on community, and also not encompass shame on the need to have a partner who believes that they have emotional responsibility to our needs.
There are a lot of people afraid to depend on one another or be depended on—and that this is not creating nurturing or loving relationships or community.
What if dependency wasn’t something we were afraid of? What if taking emotional responsibility over our partners was something we took pride in? What if we didn’t view relationship as a forfeit of freedom?