Why It Hurts To Be Told You’re Not Good Enough Even When You Know You Are

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via Pexels - Trinity Kubassek
via Pexels – Trinity Kubassek

I remember everything about the day you told me I was no longer good enough for you to love me. I was wearing a gray sweater, denim shorts and my hair was brushed but not styled. My throat burned, my blood felt cold and a voice in the back of my mind constantly reiterated, “I told you that you weren’t pretty. I told you that you weren’t good enough to keep his attention forever.”

I went through the motions after that dreadful Thursday. I went to work, almost autonomous, and did the things I did every day from morning to night. My body was at work but my mind kept replaying every moment for the last year and I critiqued every word I said. Maybe if I didn’t pick a fight with him about how girls liked his new Instagram photo so fast then he wouldn’t have left me to drive home in the snow, struggling to see the road through the flurries on my windshield and the tears in my eyes.

I remember crying so hard that sound wouldn’t leave my body when it hit me that you had never cried so hard over me. You never stopped folding your laundry because the shirt you just washed reminded you of me. You never woke up in the middle of the night crying because in your dreams we were still together. You never had to pull over to the side of the road because the radio played our song and you were crying so hard that you couldn’t breathe, let alone drive. I was giving you more credit than you deserved.

After the realization, I picked myself up again. I told myself that I was worthy of love and I was worthy of believing in myself again. I washed the sheets that you had touched and I returned everything that had belonged to you. The less I was reminded, the easier it was to forget about the man who destroyed me and getting over you was simple.

I no longer collapsed on the floor from weeping doing my laundry and I could sing along to our song again. I no longer broke my own heart, wondering about how I wasn’t worthy of you. I wore the sweater you damaged my self-esteem in and it felt good as new.

The sun was shining, I was laughing…and then someone more deserving of me fell in love with my smile. TC mark

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