James Swift

“With the moving vans all loaded up at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, how about we mark the end of an era by reflecting on some of the most insane, harebrained assassination plots ever conceived to off the O-man?”

“So yearnful are we for real social bonds that our new wave fantasies are the rudimentary pleasantries of 25 years ago – thanks to the shackles of the World Wide Web, legions of young people today view banal chit chats with waitresses and optometrists as unrealistic as ChatRoulette sessions with Darth Vader and Slender Man.”

Lanza – an anorexic vegan who weighed 112 pounds at the time of his suicide – was so emaciated that signs of malnourishment-related brain damage were revealed during his autopsy.

Hitler was horrific, but Hirohito was even more horrendous – and here’s the proof.

…and you should, too.

Today, I would like to pay tribute to ten of the most terrifying films ever made that, for all intents and purposes, weren’t explicitly designed to scare you senseless.

“You don’t want to go to your grave not knowing what it’s like to make out with a girl wearing midnight black lipstick, do you? Aye, such would be a fate grimmer than death herself.”

The great residual effect of 9/11, if you aren’t old enough to vote or buy cigarettes at the moment? “Murica.” Yes, that’s what 9/11 means to today’s kids. Not terror. Not tragedy. Not the loss of safety. It means “that weird point in time before social media where everybody liked Chuck Norris.”