The World’s Worst Three Way
You don't know if you're going to be able to handle them both, if you're honest with yourself.
You know how it is, you’re lying there on the bed as two lovely twins enter the room. The mood is right, you’ve got their attention but you don’t know if you’re going to be able to handle them both, if you’re honest with yourself. You get going, the room heats up, you’re breathing heavy, sweating terribly, and just when you think you’re going to have to back out of this whole thing they turn on each other…with sexy results.
Except, in this case, the twins are a unified front of Sunni extremists and the Free Syrian Army and you are Bashar al-Assad. The room is the horrible rubble of your once forcibly unified country and “sexy results” is the FSA and the extremists killing each other instead of you.
So, here’s how it went down, “On Sept. 12, Islamic rebels in Syria declared war … on their fellow rebels. Two Al Qaeda-linked extremist rebel groups—Al Nusrah and the Islamic State of Iraq and Al Sham, a.k.a. ISIS—followed up their declaration with an attack on the main Free Syrian Army. The two-year-old Syrian civil war is now officially a three-way fight, pitting the regime of Pres. Bashar Al Assad versus the FSA versus the Islamists. In other words, an unholy mess.”
Not the three way you were expecting? Well, believe me, this one is a lot more exciting. This all started when ISIS (a Sunni extremist group, not Sterling Archer’s employer) thought it would be a great idea to kidnap a German doctor working for Doctors Without Borders in Azaz, Syria, and, y’know, maybe ransom him or something like that even though he’s there helping civilians. Only one problem with that, he was being protected by the Free Syrian Army (nationalists/secularists). So what happens? The extremists try to take him by force (bad etiquette in starting ANY three way) and the FSA protected him because they’re not monstrous jihadist idiots.
ISIS (these are the extremists) then began shooting, and the fighting spread throughout the town in short measure.”
At least six people died in the attack including activists, doctors and FSA fighters, according to the support group. Another 15 people were reported captured by the Islamists, adding to the many hundreds of prisoners already being held—and in some cases tortured—by extremist rebels.
Ah, so extremists have been keeping prisoners and torturing them. I see. Okay, well, at least this fight ended quickly so that the rebels can get back to fighting Assad. What’s that? It went on for a week? Over a German doctor? Jeez, these extremists are really crazy to fight so long over something so stupid. Good thing we aren’t on their side. What? We are?
Yeah, that’s what I’m trying to tell you. This is the beginning of the end. It’s the part of the threesome where the more aggressive and crazier of the two twins takes over. But hey, at least it’s clearer what’s going on.
And, y’know, it’s good that the people we’re for are the kind of people that kidnap and ransom doctors. You really know where you stand with a gal like that. 