I’ve recently moved back in my with parents in between leases, and while it has been incredibly nice to spend time with my family, it has only made more apparent one of my personal weaknesses.
I don’t like explaining myself.
I don’t like telling people where I’m going, who I’m talking to, why I’m doing something. I don’t like chatting about things that I’ve already decided, and pretending to take input from other people when I know I’m not going to change my mind. Granted, sometimes I really want input and crave it from people, but sometimes I just want to take a few steps without explaining myself.
I think in many ways this contributes to my chronic singleness.
I have trouble making decisions with other people in mind. My ex-boyfriend always wanted to talk about our plans, and how we would stay together, and what we would do together. I don’t like taking other people into consideration when I make most of my choices — at least when it comes to very deep, personal choices. I am terrified of having to think of someone else when I think about moving, or taking different jobs, or just traveling in general. I don’t want to have to tell people who I was with, and how long we were together, and how we know each other. I feel like that’s a lot of what dating is.
“You were out with John? Whose John? What did you guys do together??”
And like, I understand that in a healthy relationship trust builds over time and these conversations may be short-cutted or eliminated quite a bit, but like, my teeth grind at just the thought of having to distill my life down to other people. I like taking private phone calls, I like coming and going places as I please, I like being…free.
I value my independence above all else, which is what worries me the most about dating. I need space, like a lot of it. Like, maybe more than anyone can give me. I dunno.
And maybe I’m the only one who takes independence this far, but I don’t think it’s a bad thing. It might not be a “good thing” per se, but it might not be a bad thing either. Maybe we all just have to wait for the person to come along that we are willing to be accountable to. The person who is worth the sacrifice in independence. The person who is that awesome.
Maybe we aren’t willing to give up our freedom for just anyone.
Maybe that’s why we can’t handle casual relationships or dating “just to date.” But maybe one day, we’ll stumble into that person who will make it all worth it.
Luckily, until then, I don’t have to explain myself any further.