I was in the middle of documenting an incident with a male and a female resident, when they suddenly started making out and feeling each other up. He wasn’t wearing a shirt and she had on a little Halloween costume. When I asked them to please save the PDA for later, one of them laughed and told me, “ohhhh, don’t worry, we are in a relationship!” and they continued embracing each other.
— Jacqueline, 21
Coming back from an all-RA event, the elevators open up to one of my residents puking in the elevator lobby. He was highly intoxicated even though he was underage. But the best part? All of this was happening beneath my “Dangers of Under Age Drinking” bulletin board.
— Anonymous, 21
One night, I was about to go to sleep around 2 am. I had just shut off my lights and gotten in bed, and all of a sudden I heard a water trickling noise.
I was really confused and was worried that a pipe was starting to leak or that water was coming out of my Keurig or something, so I turned the light on to check. Everything was fine in my room, but I still heard the noise. I looked through the peephole on my door and there was one of my residents, peeing right in front of my door—and I mean right in front, as in I had to step diagonally out of my door so as to not step in her urine. I opened the door and asked what was going on and she just looked at me and said, “I’m ok, I’m fine.”
After a little back and forth and receiving no useful information from her, we went to her room. When I asked her to swipe into her room, she couldn’t seem to find her School ID card (at our school you swipe a card to get into your rooms). I asked if she had her ID and she said yes, so I asked her to use it to get in. She said that the ID wouldn’t work on her door. When I asked why she said, “Because I’ve had too much to drink and if I swipe it will automatically call.” (like ok wtf is she talking about?)
So I got her a loner key and had a friend stay with her (and suggested she change her clothes before sleeping in them), then I taped a square around the spot where she peed and put in a service request (because like how the fuck do you get pee out of carpet?) and went to bed. The taped-off square stayed the whole year and I honestly question if the carpet has ever been cleaned.
— Anonymous, 20
I was doing rounds my first year as an RA when we came across a group of freshmen sitting in a circle in the hallway, all holding their own handle of liquor. They were closed, but obviously they couldn’t have them. They were convinced that since we didn’t see them drinking anything that we ‘didn’t have the right to write them up,’ haha.
— Jackie, 21
My residents ordered a 6ft inflatable penis on Amazon for no other reason than it was on sale and they had prime so it could come in 2 days. When they got it they followed me on rounds carrying it through the 8 floors of the building and hitting people with it. I told them it was not to leave their/ floor because it was making people uncomfortable so they just walked around their suite jousting with it and running it into each other.
— Emily, 23
One of my residents thought it was funny to try and steal my underwear. While he was never successful for months he would randomly try to walk farther into my room when he was visiting, try and steal my keys, and went about means trying to get in my room.
— Rebecca, 23
Shutting down hallway sports is always happening but it’s usually soccer or basketball. One day I found my residents invented a new sport to play in the hallway. They called it “Cock in the Mouth”. The concept is to catch a badminton shuttle cock in your mouth from someone throwing it at various distances. If you caught it in your mouth everyone threw their hands up in the air and yelled a celebratory “Cock in the mouth”. At times I would stop close to 50 percent of my residents all playing.
— Sara, 24
One evening on rounds my coworker and I were casually walking around chatting with residents when we walked past a room with a girl watching a movie. On the table by the door was a wine glass. We kept walking but did a double take because we were just so shocked someone would be that obvious. (Really any other cup would have been fine).
We backed it up and as we were walking up to the open door she was backing up slowly with the wine glass in her hand and putting it on the other side of the couch. We asked what was in the wine glass, she replied, “What wine glass?”
Mind you she was still in the process of putting it behind the couch while we were talking. When we told her, “The one you’re currently trying to hide behind the couch she said it was just juice.”
Shockingly, it was wine.
— Julia, 21
I was one of two RAs in a 4 floor building of 150 male residents. As you can imagine, it was basically a large frat house by midsemester. I had a resident (we’ll call him Bill for anonymity’s sake) who was trouble from day one. Alcohol, trash, weed, cocaine, you name it this kid did it. By January, he got kicked out of the dorm. Unfortunately, this was not the last I would see of Bill.
During spring break closing, I was walking through the dorms to make sure residents were out. Everyone was gone except (you guessed it) Bill. The funny thing was, the bed/room WASN’T EVEN HIS. To this day I still don’t know how he got into that room or why he was there.
— Josh, Too Damn Told For This
I started sleeping with my resident across the hall after breaking up with my boyfriend who was also an RA in the building. He never brought my new relationship to the attention of our bosses because he started dating his resident too! I’m surprised we didn’t get caught, we were definitely not careful.
— Anonymous, 21
I witnessed two residents getting it on with only their undergarments on. She was on his lap in the lounge area. Nothing fancy, but they were definitely wild. I told them to, “Quit being fucking idiots, be safe, and find a room.”
They asked to use my room since they both had visitors. I just shrugged and told them as long as it took less than 30 minutes. They were done in 20. I’d like to think back to that incident as a way to encourage residents to search for opportunities all around campus. Above all, I’m impressed they had the guts to ask for my room instead of scurrying away. I’m miss those kids. They will change the world someday.
— Anonymous, 20
The first month I was an RA, I was walking down my hallway and found a strange trail of mustard packets. At the end of the hallway was a mustard packet taped to the wall with a crown and mustache drawn on and a paper behind it that said ‘All Hail King Mustard’.
— Savannah, 21
I was on rounds with another RA friend when we got to a lobby at the end of the hallway. Apparently there was something hot and heavy going on (I missed anything XXX) because my RA friend was like, “What the heck are you doing??”
The two looked really embarrassed and said they were just “talking.”
“Well,” my friend said in an angry voice, “Then why did I see your penis??”
Apparently they had been doing it in the f*cking hallway! WTF! They both denied it, the guy said it was “adjusting his pants.” I would have loved to see what their conduct case looked like.
— Jack, 22
My first year as an RA I had a resident (let’s call him Rick) who decided to steal a fire extinguisher and fire it off all over. The kicker is, we never would have figured out who it was if he hadn’t sprayed it in one of his “friends” face and all through that “friends” room. That friend, understandably, then came to find me. Rick totally denied it to the grave. He said his “friend” was high and drunk and was acting like some big shot lawyer, saying: “how do we know this isn’t just the thoughts of a drug-addled mind??”
Eventually, another resident said he saw Rick spraying the fire extinguisher in the room. Rick said that, “he still believed he was innocent, but the evidence says otherwise.”
Definitely a sociopath.
— Jake, 23
Once when I was on rounds with another RA we heard some scampered and weird noises coming from the female bathrooms. At our schools, bathrooms were open rooms with “pods” with toilets that had a big door that would shut and lock. After we heard wailing and some girl saying, “Pick up her ID, she can’t get it herself!” we decided to check it out.
Me and the other RA walked in the bathroom and knocked on the door of the pod that sounded like multiple residents were in. Suddenly the door shot open, and one girl started screaming at us.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE. THIS IS A GIRL’S BATHROOM. YOU ARE SO CREEPY!!!”
We tried to explain that as RAs, we were 100% allowed to come in if we thought there was a safety threat. It turns out the girls were just being stupid (probably a little drunk), but they did not react kindly to us telling them only one person could be in a Pod at a time. The screaming girl threatened to go to “the administration” and report me for sexual harassment, and “looking at her in lustful ways.”
I’m like very openly gay lol. Do your worst.
— Jacob, 23
I was walking down the hall on building rounds when I saw some resident trying to take a tile out of the ceiling. I walked up to him and asked what he was doing. He told me:
“Don’t worry! I’m building maintenance!” while he was wearing shorts and a Ralph Lauren button up. Apparently he had smashed one of the ceiling tiles on his floor and was stealing one to replace it. I had to admire his effort, even though I wrote him up anyway. He’ll be a productive citizen someday.
— David, 24