Found on r/askreddit
1. He made me watch his homemade rap videos and tried to like his own FB page on my phone.
2. I met a girl for a date who turned out to be much better looking than her photos which is always a nice surprise. The date went well, just dinner and a walk, and we said our goodbyes. The next day she invited me out to a friend’s birthday party downtown as her +1. I wanted to go but I had to work the next day and wanted to be able to drink a little since it was a bunch of people I didn’t know. She said “That’s alright, you can park at my house and sleep over.”(Cha-ching!) So, of course, I said yes.
Fast forward to the middle of the party, I’m enjoying myself chatting it up with her friends and having a good time and next thing I know she absolutely loses it and storms out of the bar leaving me there. Drunk. With her friends. I still have no idea why.
One of them told me “She wants you to go after her!” and I said “Fuck that, it’s our second date.” which not a single person blamed me for. I stayed at the party and switched to water while I continued talking with her friends. That was over a year ago, and I still regularly hang out with them. They have since stopped talking to her.
TL;DR No sex, but got to keep all her friends.
3. Met at a coffee shop, she’s there early. I order my drink, sit down, she looks at me and this is her first sentence.
“Lets cut to the chase, I need a father for my 4 sons.”
I got up and left.
4. Well, profile said she was 19, and she was really, really fucking hot.
So I was pretty interested.
We, text, talk on the phone, she does cutesie kinda immature stuff, but I blow it off, thinking she’s just awkward at flirting.
One night, we’re texting and she starts sending me pictures.
You know the kind, sharpies were involved…..so, now, I’m extremely interested in meeting up.
She agrees, but on one condition, no condom.
I’m curious about her medical history, I try to stay clean despite being a filthy man whore, so I ask when she last got tested.
“Oh, I haven’t been to the doctor in a couple years,” she says. So I inquire how she has birth control, and of course she doesn’t.
Turns out, she saw that I was a single dad, and just assumed I would be ok with siring another child.
She was wrong.
She got extremely upset, and originally begged me to reconsider, that she needed a child in her life.
When I remained unwilling, she dropped the bombshell.
She was 17 and more than willing to go to the cops about the pictures I had on my phone, if I didn’t give her a baby.
Delete, delete, delete every fucking thing and block her left right and immediately. I don’t have a tinder anymore.
Edit– the sharpies went in her butt. I have a good deal of fetishes, and anal play/degradation is one of them.
She knew this because of previous conversations.
I didn’t ask her to do it, nor did I ask for a single picture of it.I was just happy to receive hot pictures from what I assumed was a legal consenting adult.
5. I know I’m late to the party but man do I have a doozy!!
So last year after getting out of a horrible sort of relationship, I decided to try something casual and use tinder. Got lots of responses, everything is going well. The dates were mostly lack luster and I figured I was just being too picky. So I decided “the next 5 people to ask me on a date gets a yes!”
So the first guy I’m able to go on a date with wants me to drive into the city (45 minutes away) so we would has more stuff to do. Annoying but sorta understandable as I’m in a suburb without much exciting things to do.
We meet, he looks like his pictures, we say hello and he tells me that we’re gonna go play soccer in the park. Cool! I love sports. On the way we start talking and asking questions about each other, and I’m getting the vibe we aren’t such a great match. I love to travel, he has 0 desire. He only likes obscure sports, I love them all. But hey, I’m here. Stick with it.
The entire time he talks about how he makes soooo much money and how embarrassing it is for his friend to only make 60k a year at his dream job. I make half of that. I would have left considering the love connection, or lack there of, but I figured I’d be polite until after lunch.
We head out and we arrive. Dollar taco. Which don’t get me wrong, you don’t have to splurge. But he looked me up and down and said “you gotta earn your meals first” and gave me a creepy fucking smile. Nope. I feign a fake phone call and have to leave, but he insists on walking me to my car.
We get there, and I try to shrug him off and GTFO but then…it happens.
He leans in for a kiss. But not just any kiss. Open mouth, tongue out. And as he leans in, his crotch brushes against my leg. Unfortunately for him, the soccer shorts didn’t conceal his raging hard on.
So I did what any caught off guard girl would do.
I accidentally laughed in his mouth. Oops. I was too awkward to say anything and just got in the car, driving away.
6. Hope I am not too late to this party.
I went on a date with this guy who I thought was pretty level-headed. We had dinner, coffee and said our goodbyes. On the date, he consistently spoke about Michigan the entire date. Michigan is better than Chicago this way, the people in Michigan are so much nicer than the ones from your home state, we are the smartest in the nation, etc. etc. etc. The only times he broke away from the subject of Michigan was to talk about how inadequate I was with my career, health and love life. He even said, “I can tell you are trying to be funny, but it’s not working.”
Later that night, once he dropped me off he went on to text me saying, “Hey, I enjoyed our time together, but you’re a bit wider than I was expecting.” I understood his comment and did not decided not to reply back.
Twenty minutes later, I receive other texts from him saying, “It’s OK, though! I would love for you to get bigger. I want to help you gain as much weight as possible. I love dating fat people.” To top it off, his last text was, “You’ll need all that fat when you move to Michigan.”
Fuck you, Michigan.
7. Met one charmer after talking for a few weeks. After agreeing to meet at a nearby coffee shop, I show up right on time. Ten minutes later I get a text from him to “come outside.” Seems sketchy but there’s people about, so why not? I stand directly in front and he appears out of nowhere in a hoodie. We walk a bit before he asks me to walk down a darkly-lit street. I say I’m uncomfortable and he immediately starts waking away. I assume he’s joking and call him only to hear him screaming at me on the other end. He sends me a text a couple of days later insulting my hair and telling me to “suck my big dick you negress bitch.”
Tl;dr- Guy wanted to Dahmer me then proceeded to call me racist slurs. Thank you, internet!
8. My first date with this guy would have been hist cat’s funeral, luckily I had the common sense not to take it that far. I had matched with a guy and we began to be hitting it off, so I gave him my cell number. And of course he became increasingly strange. He was telling me about his cat and how he was worried about her because she was very ill, okay I understand having a sick pet is sad.
Then he began to tell me about their relationship and how she was always there for him, yup I’m close to my animals too that’s fine. But then he began discussing how he doesn’t know what to do if his cat dies, how he might kill himself unless I would be willing to take his cat’s place… Um no?
After that I stopped talking to him. He then started messaging me furiously, he told me how his cat died and he needs me to talk him through this. I express my condolences and try to shake him off. He then proceeds to explain how we should meet at his cat’s funeral. I don’t respond, I didn’t intend on becoming a skin suit any time soon. His last text to me was an angry ramble describing in graphic detail how it was to EAT HIS CAT’S ASHES!! HE CONSUMED HIS CAT!
9. – Tinder nightmare – went on the date, five minutes into the conversation he flips it to 9/11 conspiracy theories and doesn’t drop it even after I explicitly state that the conversation is inappropriate. Told him later by text that I didn’t think we were that compatible, cue 2 months of 3am phone calls where he pretends to be a furniture/renovation company that had problems delivering my order…
– When I was someone’s Tinder nightmare – got way too drunk, puked on myself. Total blackout.
**Edit: Thank you for all your hilarious input, this definitely made my day. Moving forward, I promise to uphold my 2-date legacy of tinder nightmares.
**To clarify, I asked politely for the subject to be changed before letting him know it was inappropriate. For those who commenters who have expressed it doesn’t sit well with them, I guess it’s good we’re not dating?
10. Matched with this guy. We talked for a little bit, and we didn’t really seem to have anything in common so I didn’t plan on going out with him. When I finally did decline, he threw a fit and pestered me, promising a lovely night out and to just “give him a chance”. That should have been my first clue. Now, at this point in my life, I was admittedly very picky about guys I’d go out with, and this guy as well as my roommates encouraged me to just go because maybe I’m “missing out” on nice people. Fine. We go to sushi.
No attraction. Nothing in common. Horrible conversation. Every time I tried to lead with a subject, he ended it. “What’s your favorite restaurant?” “I don’t know” “do/ did you play any sports?” “No” the conversation was a dead end at every turn. Had a terrible time, good sushi though. I insisted I pay half the bill, and we walked out.
Then he GRABBED me by the arm aggressively, insisting we go to Starbucks for coffee. I said no thank you, I just ate, I’m very full, I have a test tomorrow, whatever. But he literally overpowered me and pulled me in and sat us down at a table.
Now I was freaked out.
We sat awkwardly, silently. I asked “are you getting coffee, or?” He smiled and said “no, I don’t want any”. I said “okay, so why are we he–” and he slipped his hand between my thighs, and credit carded me under the table! I was mortified and moved away. I said “I am going to go home now”. I thank god I drove separately.
As I got to my car, he asked “so when can we go out again?”…. I almost laughed at him, but I was polite because I’m a huge pussy. I said “well, you’re very nice (lieeee) but we don’t have much in common and I didn’t really feel the chemistry, but thanks for showing me a new sushi restaur—”
“YOU FUCKING CUNT. YOURE JUST THE SAME AS ALL WOMEN. I THOUGH YOU WERE DIFFERENT. YOU DUMB BIMBO PIECE OF SHIT. FUCK YOU”
I got in my car and left.
When I got home I had many texts from him AND HIS ROOMMATE. From date guy, I got a lot of “Fuck You” and from the roommate I got a few angry/concerned ones like “My roommate came home really upset and pissed. What the fuck did you do to him? You’re a bitch”
I literally had no idea people could be like that. It really soured my tinder experience but
I had fun laughing at the texts with my own roommates
Edit: credit carded means he swiped up my lady bits with a flat hand, like a credit card in a slot
11. We went on three dates. The next time she asked to see me, I told her I was visiting family and wouldn’t be available until the following weekend. In that moment, she freaked out and sent me a 7 page long text about how I destroyed what could have been a perfect relationship and that she wanted to marry me still if I would just put her first. She then left me a voicemail of her singing “U Got It Bad” by Usher while crying and saying she loved me over and over. Two days later she sent me pictures of her burning a bucket list she had made for us.
Glad I got out of that one unscathed.
12. My story
I posted this a while back in a thread about Tinder, it was a pretty spectacularly bad…..
I used it, I’m a fat ugly bastard, I matched with a girl who wasn’t too shabby looking, texted for a few days until we were both off. I picked her up, she was very cute, went to dinner at a Japanese steak house and had a good time, drank some sake. She suggested we go back to my place (woo!)
We stop by her apartment to get her car and she wants to get clothes. She follows me to my house and we make out in my driveway for a few and start to move towards the house, I’m excited, gunna get laid and all yessir, been a while.
So we are on my front porch and she goes “eew, what’s that” and points to this baseball sized toad that hangs out on my porch, this is his 2nd year it there. Anyways I explain he is cool and I knock beetles off my porch light for to eat and stuff she walks over to him, looks at me, like intense eye contact and proceeded to slowly stomp on my toad.
Now at this point I was experiencing several emotions, shock, anger, rage. I shouted at her “wtf, why’d you do that” to which she replied “I wanted to make you mad so you’d Fuck me hard” I was speechless while I processed what I had just witnessed. I told her to get the Fuck of my property, she flips out, we yell back and forth, I sprayed her with the hose and she finally leaves only to show up 20 min later topless on my deck in the back yard. She had walked from down the road and pulled like 6 pickets down from my fence to get in the back yard.
Cops came, she cried her way out of trouble with them and left.
Tl;dr fat ugly bastard, solid 8 tinderella, night of hibachi, sake, otphj, she stomped my porch toad, cops come, girl cries, gets let off
13. Oh, man.
I met a guy from Tinder a few months ago. He seemed really normal, was a responsible adult with a job who didn’t still live at home, and was pretty good looking. He lived one town over in a fairly rural area, so we actually had some mutual acquaintances. So far, so good. He asked if I wanted to meet up at one of the two bars in town to get to know each other “irl lol.”
So, the night we’re supposed to meet, I get stuck picking up some slack at work for a clerk who claims she’s sick but is really hungover. I texted him to let him know I was going to be about twenty minutes late. I found out pretty late in the day and knew he was probably either getting ready or on his way there, so I was extremely apologetic and offered to pick up the tab when I got there. He said no problem, he’d hang out and have a drink until I got there.
Fast forward to my rushing to get the hell out of work, slapping on some makeup, and walking into the bar. I missed him at first. I had to do that awkward walk and search thing, but eventually I saw the guy. He looked just like his picture, only ten years older and 80 pounds heavier. And he was sloppy. Not dirty sloppy, but like…lolling his head around and really sweaty.
I figured whatever, I already came this far. Plus, pretty sure he saw me. I pulled up a chair and got as far as “Hey, I’m SeeMeDisco” before he started yell talking.
“GLAD YOU’RE HERE DAMN I’VE BEEN WAITING AWHILE. HAD TO HAVE MORE THAN ONE DRINK HAHAHA.”
Okay, whatever. He was probably nervous and a little drunk. Not the best first date in the world, but I could get through it. So I start to apologize again for being late and I swear to God, he cuts me off with:
“LOOK IF WE’RE GONNA DO THIS THING I NEED YOU TO BE ON TIME OKAY I HATE WAITING.”
Okay, sure. Sorry, you know how work is.
“YEAH WHATEVER THAT’S WHY I QUIT MY BULLSHIT JOB HEY YOU WANNA DRINK OR WHAT I’M HAVING A JACK N COKE OR FIVE AHAHAHAHA.”
I order a soda and he gets all defensive.
“WHAT YOU’RE TRYING TO GET OUTTA HERE SOON THAT’S BULLSHIT. I NEED TO KNOW WHERE THIS IS HEADED.”
It’s our first. fucking. date.
“DON’T DICK ME AROUND HERE I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING SERIOUS EITHER WE’RE DOING THIS OR WE’RE NOT HEY CAN I GET ANOTHER JACK N COKE.”
People were staring at us and he was waving the hand he was holding his drink with and spilling it EVERYWHERE. I’ve never done this before, but I literally pulled an “I gotta go to the bathroom” and bailed.
And I’ve never been on another Tinder date. Can’t handle another first date where the guy gets piss drunk before I even show and starts screaming about where the relationship is headed.
So I was in Shanghai for work, and decided to see what was happening on Tinder. I had to use a VPN to get around the great firewall.
Anyway, matched with a girl and chatted briefly. She asked if I wanted to meet at her hotel for a drink. Alarm bells should have been ringing Willy.
So I shower up, pop a breath mint, and smash out a lucky panda cigarette whilst flagging down a cab. I get to her hotel and to my astonishment, she is the woman in the profile, waiting for me at the hotel bar.
Have a few cocktails and things are going well, she’s friendly, seems really into me, then she asks if I want to go up to her room for “some more drinks”.
Dear diary: JACKPOT!
So we make our way upstairs and she doesn’t waste any time and jumps straight in.
When all was said and done I thought “right, time to do the shanghai shuffle!” So I’m putting my clothes on and about to leave and she ways “what about my money baby?”
My heart sinks quicker than a mob snitch swimming in concrete boots.
I ask her what she means, “Not for free sex, 3,000 RMB!” she replies which is just shy of $500. Fuck me, I’d just rooted a hooker!
So a heated argument begins and I’m planning my escape lest there be a pimp waiting outside. She starts screaming at me and hotel security arrive on the scene and hustle me down to the lobby.
She follows in tow demanding her money, screaming, yelling, making a scene. Everyone’s looking. I’ve really hit rock bottom here.
Then I see someone get out of a cab outside the hotel entrance. I gap it and leap into the cab, telling the driver to “DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE” in the worst Chinese possible. I probably said something offensive. But the power of the all mighty yuan saves the day and he speeds off, taking me back to my hotel where I can hit a bottle of scotch and reflect on what the actual fuck just happened.
tl;dr I shoplifted a hooker in Shanghai.
15. Ugh, I have one and I wish I didn’t.
So I talked to this guy for a while, I was still very new to online dating and hadn’t learnt a few of the basic rules yet, like meeting for just coffee on the first date. Anyway, he seemed pretty normal when we spoke and he told me he was also an accountant like me. He invited me out for “dinner and a movie” and I thought sure why not.
So he picks me up from my place (second no-no, that’s a mistake I’ll never make again) and I swear before we even leave my street I realise he’s a bit weird and I’m not really keen at all. Whatever, I’m here now so may as well get dinner and sit through a movie.
In the 20 min drive there he tells me about his job which sounds absolutely nothing like accounting at all, like he doesn’t even know what an accountant is, his dating history and his last “girlfriend” who he had dated for THREE WHOLE WEEKS who was an alcoholic, still spoke to her ex and brought her kid along to their “romantic weekend away”.
So for “dinner”, he takes me to the drive through of McDonalds. Not even the walk in, the drive through. He then informs me the movie we are going to see is actually a movie marathon of the last 3 fast and the furious movies. Oh, and it’s also at the drive ins…Fuck. At this point I’m wondering how the hell I’m going to get out of this.
So we drive from McDonalds to the drive ins which is only about 10 mins away. Before we even get there he’s told me about how often he and his ex used to have sex and asked me in my relationships how often I had it. Obviously, I told him I didn’t want to talk about that stuff on a first date. I’m thinking get me the fuck outta here.
The movie starts and I’m practically leaning out of the window to stay as far away from him as I can. He puts his hand on my leg and I push it off and he says “what? I’m not gonna finger you babe”. I’m seriously considering just making a run for it but I had no way home and I had just moved to my city so
I didn’t know anyone to call to come and get me.
After awkwardly sitting through two of the three movies I tell him it’s late and I need to go home cos I have to work in the morning. (I didn’t) and he says no worries he’ll take me home. So on the most awful drive back to my house he tells me he’s had a great time and asked me if I “want to be his girlfriend”. Thinking I better just say yeah so he doesn’t ditch me in the middle of nowhere I say “yeah maybe let’s see how it goes” and he says cool, next time he’ll take me to meet his mum and dad then tells me bout how is mum bought his ex (of three weeks!) a really expensive diamond bracelet and how she never gave it back when she left. And how much of a bitch she was to his mum.
FINALLY (finally!) we pull up in my street and I practically run out of the car saying thanks, talk to you later bye! And bolt into my house. I immediately block him and remove him from facebook and tinder (mistake 3!) thinking THANK GOD that’s over.
He messages me not even 15 mins later asking why I blocked him. I try, politely to say that he’s waaaaaaay too full on and I’m not interested and he replies with a tirade of “this is the third date this week that’s gone wrong” and – direct quote- “fine, I guess I’ll go fuck 17 year olds. I’m never dating again!”
The kicker? He messages me on facebook again a few months later with “hey babe what’s happening” and when I reply with “are you kidding me?” He’s like “what?! We haven’t even met yet why are you being a bitch?” To which I tell him that in fact I had the distinct displeasure of being stuck in a car with him for over 6 hours and to never message me again.
Sorry it’s long but I’m really glad to get that off my chest.
16. It had been awhile since I last had gotten some, so I tried tinder to get some luck. Almost immediately I got a match. She lived 2 hours away, but was dtf and that’s a drive my dick was willing to take. We talk for a bit, and we exchange a few photos and decide to meet. I pick her up and immediately start noticing that something is.. off. She asks me to go to a coffee shop so we can talk before I intend to pound her into oblivion. She gets a triple shot espresso, and downs it in seconds. She recommended we go to an abandoned corn field and bone in my car.
So she starts kissing me, and she’s going at it like a labrador, at one point she even licks the outside of my lips and my cheek, which made me slightly uncomfortable. I thought, ‘fuck it ima get my dick wet even if this girl is a freak’. So we’re both naked, I’m pounding away for what feels like forever, and after 20 minutes she’s already finished and I’m trying very very hard to get there. But for some reason I can’t. She tries going down on me, and hurricanes on my dick, teeth and all, grinding up my shaft. I ask her to hop back on so we can keep going. Right in the middle of reverse cowgirl, I hear a knock.
I look to my left and there’s this scraggly old man with a double barrel tapping on my window. She doesn’t hop off, but covers her chest as this man signals me to roll down my window. Considering he looks like a pissed off hillbilly and he has a shotgun, I oblige. The next thing that I hear rocked me to my soul and I will never forget what he says. He cackles out with a serious face in a slow southern draw, ‘this ain’t no lover’s lane’.
I start stammering an apology and push this crazy chick who is unphased off of my dick, hop into the drivers seat, and floor it out of that cornfield. She just quits talking to me at that point, puts her clothes on and just stares out the window while I’m going 60 down a gravel road in nothing but a white t shirt and a soggy condom on my limp dick.
We stop by some abandoned shack and I clean up while she continues to stare out the window. When I get back in, she tells me to drop her off at the DQ down the road. I’m happy to oblige and very politely kick her the fuck out of my car. She throws a $20 at me on her way out the door, goes to the garbage can and just vomits a torrent or brown yellow puke all over the sidewalk and the side of the can. I nope the fuck out of there, confused, blue-balled, and scared. I’ve never heard from her since then, and have never used tinder after that.
Tl;dr: this ain’t no lover’s lane