I have never felt lonely while alone. I never worry about showing up solo. I am strong enough to know I am whole in myself, that I am everything I need. Even in the moments when others tell me I should be a two, still, that doesn’t stop me thinking of someone new.
That instant where my interest has peaked, when someone passes me and my eyes follow their way. When they introduce themselves and I find it hard to speak. My mind becomes awash with words that make no sense, the smile I feel inside with the attention that you give, that lingering question that steals my breath. Will I see you again? Will there be a next time? The conversation that leads to numbers exchanged; the likes, the comments, the messages that go back and forth without a pause or break. The trivia that alludes to you wanting to know me better, asking me about my quirks into the early hours of the morning, as I lie awake, waiting to hear back about your dreams and desires. The sun rising before I am even tired.
I keep thinking about when we’ll meet again, planning it all out in my head, sometimes walking a little too far ahead. In the first few seconds, anticipation has my heart beating faster than it should, wanting to make a good impression, but acting like a goof. I watch you smile, a laugh underneath your breath. Even though I am nervous, there is something about us together that leaves me at ease, that seems to make sense. We sit so close, yet not ready to touch, but with each moment gone the urge gets harder to ignore, and at that moment, you take my hand, and I hope you never let it go. Excited about seeing you again, and I haven’t even left your side. I could try and play aloof right now, but I refuse to be beaten out by my pride. I tell you how I feel because I have never wanted to hide. Staring at my bedroom ceiling, replaying our moments in my head, closing my eyes so I can see you one more time, and while I sleep, I dream of you, dreams so real that when I wake, I look to my left hoping it was true, but with these butterflies that keep fluttering by, I know you will be here someday soon.
We lead lives so busy and are caught up in the dramas of each day. We live differently, distantly, and sometimes this can keep our possibilities at bay. I may not have met you yet, our paths may not have crossed, our existence to each other may not be known, but I am sure you exist. I’m sure as our lives play out that we will meet. That’s why I keep my heart open and a hopeful gaze in my eyes, because no matter who has hurt me before, it will never be enough to let an opportunity of love pass by. That kind of love that feels telepathic, late nights in each other’s arms, a shoulder that supports, a kiss that reassures, and a smile that tells you everything you need to know without being told anything at all. I may not know what you look like, but I know who I want—someone who is not afraid of unconditional and wearing their heart on their sleeve. The rest can be left up to fate, because that is all I need.
I have never felt lonely while being alone. I have never feared my solitude or needed to fill my silence with another’s tone. I am this way today, tomorrow, and for however long it takes, because I get this excited when I think of the unknown, and that is a feeling that could never leave me low. Yes, tomorrow could be another tomorrow, that has played out like all my days before, but tomorrow could also be the day where I meet someone new, that could start a part of my life that I have yet to write, that could introduce a love that is tried and true. That is why I wait—I wait because I can’t wait for you.