I’ll be the first to admit that I think being a fuckgirl and a fuckboy have different meanings, but while most of us are probably cringing at the term “fuckgirl”, I think more of us have been one than we’re willing to admit. So, I’ll break it down for you… here’s a brief history of being a fuckgirl.

I was dealing with a lot of emotional shit. I was hurting. Period, point blank. When I think back on some of my fuckgirl-ish ways, there was one thing that all the actions had in common. I did them because it made me feel better. No, that doesn’t make it right, but that’s the truth. I had to adopt a very selfish mentality. I didn’t worry about how my actions affected the other party–only how it made me feel… happy.

I may not have been using guys for sex, but there was something I wanted out of them. For me personally, I wasn’t a fuckgirl in the way that many refer to a fuckboy. I wasn’t using anybody for sex. Maybe free dinners and dates–or other silly purchases I didn’t want to make myself–but if I had sex with them, it was really because I wanted to. Sex isn’t empty for me, so it was a choice and I want to be clear about that. When I used a guy it was simply to get something that I didn’t want to provide for myself from my own resources.

My number one rule was to never claim a guy. I kept my head above water by never committing. When you’re single, you can do what you want without any consequences as long as you’re being honest and safe. That’s the way I saw things then and I’d be lying if I said I don’t still feel the same about that right now. When I went through my fuckgirl phase, I was honest with the guys, but I tried to make sure they weren’t people who’d ever run into each other randomly, you know? I mean, I didn’t have time for the drama and I didn’t care to hurt anyone’s feelings intentionally.

I was a savage, but I still felt bad when I broke a heart. Now, I’m using the word savage because that’s what most people said when they asked me about the way I operated during this time in my life. I didn’t personally feel like a savage because like I said, I didn’t want to hurt anybody… I just wanted to make me happy. No matter what. I hated when I found out I hurt more than a guy’s ego. A broken heart was never my inspiration or intent.

I wasn’t a fuckgirl to get back at anyone. There was never a motive behind my actions that was directed toward anyone else. I know I keep saying that a lot, but I want to be clear that these were decisions that I made, for me and only me. I wouldn’t dare give a guy who broke my heart the satisfaction of thinking that I was doing anything because of him–especially things that made me happy–because even though it was kind of shitty, the reality of it all was that it did make me happy.

I truly did desire love, I just knew I wasn’t ready for it. At the end of the day, sure, I still wanted to find love, but I knew I wasn’t ready for it. But did that mean that I couldn’t have a little fun in the meantime? Eghh, probably shouldn’t have so that I could’ve healed, but at the time I didn’t see it that way.

It doesn’t last forever. I can be honest about it because it’s a thing of the past. A history. When you take the appropriate steps to heal all the bullshit that hinders you from thinking clearly, you’re able to open yourself up again. And in doing that, the desire to behave in fuckgirl-ish ways leaves you because you start to get back to a mental and emotional state of being that simply doesn’t support that shit. I learned a lot about myself and men during my fuckgirl phase and I wouldn’t have changed the experience if I could have, but I’m glad it’s over now so that I could share the history with you.