A Gift Guide For Your Stripper Friend

Strippers exist on stripper time. We rarely know what day of the week it is, and do things when we feel like it. It’s one of the perks of working for ourselves. That being said, it’s never too late to get the stripper in your life some work-related presents for Christmas. Secret Santa in the dressing room? Perfect.

1. “The Beaver Show,” a book by Jacq the Stripper, a collection of cartoons and quotes from her experience. It’s hilarious and wonderful and everyone should have one.

2. Your stripper is a smoker and you live in a cold climate? Get her a snuggie or a cute blanket for work smoke breaks.

3. Yoga mat for stretching backstage. Let’s face it: the clean-up crew doesn’t really spend lots of time on the dressing room floor, and it’s not safe to do a death drop into the splits without stretching.

4. Halo mirror. Don’t rest on the fact that it’s dark in there. Get your face right, bb. I’ve found halo mirrors make a huge difference when applying makeup, especially considering in the questionable lighting/lack of mirror space that is typical of strip club dressing rooms.

5. Dove deodorant. I know, I know, deodorant seems like rude gift. This isn’t just for her pits, it’s for razor burn! The high concentration of moisture in this deodorant makes it great for bikini bumps.

6. Sexy Santa outfit. Being a stripper, you are a business owner and the business is you. Keep costs low, and profits high. No one wants to waste money on a costume that’s only good for about one month a year. Get her a cute one!

7. Stripper shoes. If you know her size, the two main brands are Ellie and Pleaser. We can NEVER have enough shoes.

8. Instant camera and film. Lots of women that have worked together at the same club for a long time are really close. What better, more fun way to remember our stripper shenanigans than photos that print out instantly and you can keep forever? Also: this is great for decorating your space backstage.

9. Baby wipes. Any stripper worth her stilettos knows you gotta keep everything so fresh and so clean. Buy in bulk. Buy her so many, she won’t have to worry about that expenditure for months or longer. It’ll also probably make her laugh. “Hi, happy holidays! I got you 10,000 unscented baby wipes! Love you!”

10. A secret piggybank of sorts. Whether she wants to save all her 1s or all her 20s, it’s a good way to set money aside without thinking about it. I use a fake Pringles container I got from a head shop. It makes me feel better about keeping cash in the house without it being in such an obvious place as a safe.

11. Healthy snacks. Make a little basket or care package! We all get hungry during work, and it’s always better to have something like a Clif bar, some fruit or some nuts than fast food, delivery or vending machine garbage.

12. A gift card to Sephora. Strippers. Love. Makeup. One of the most fun parts about being a stripper is that you’re playing dress up, professionally. If you get her this vs. her getting it for herself, she doesn’t have to think about how that highlighter she’s been eyeing will take 3 lap dances to afford.

13. A gift card to Sally Beauty. Your favorite stripper can get hair here, which is probably best if she gets it herself. Stripper costs really add up, and Sally’s is a treasure trove.

14. Biofreeze. It’s a topical analgesic that works wonders on sore muscles. Stripping ain’t no cakewalk, it’s very physically demanding. I’ve had this product recommended to me by: my chiropractor, my physical therapist and by a massage therapist. I like the roll-on, so you don’t have to worry about accidentally burning your eyes out via your fingers.

15. One of those feet Jacuzzis. Anyone who is on their feet for the majority of their jobs needs to give their tootsies some tender loving care.

16. Alarm clock/noise maker. Most dancers work nights, and it’s often very hard to fall asleep and also to get up when your body is on a nocturnal schedule.

17. A mix CD made of 2 and 3 song sets. I know, I know, it’s not 2003 anymore, but what a cute gift! If you don’t want to do that, make a stripper playlist for her somewhere of the sexiest songs you can think of. But that’s free, so don’t forget to get her something else from the list!

18. Perfume. NOT body spray. Figure out what her favorite scent is, and get it for her. Or, get her one that smells sexy to you, but don’t forget a gift receipt! People’s opinions on what smells good can vary wildly. A weird thing I heard a long time ago is that men like things that smell like food, so maybe veer toward something that smells like vanilla or cupcakes.

I’d say that’s a pretty solid start. Strippers are fun and wild, and we also usually don’t like spending money. Especially if we don’t have to. I purposely left out a stripper pole for home, because that’s a huge purchase, and you don’t know if she’d want to drill holes in her ceiling/damage it. Don’t get strippers body oil or lotion. We use it, but it makes the stage slippery and dangerous, and will make her Enemy Number 1 in the dressing room. Shop for your dream girl. Shop for your best friend. Make someone’s life better this holiday season. Or at least more sparkly.