Day One: 24 hours after your first date, add him to all of your social media accounts: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Google+, etc. Start “liking” every single post. Comment on these posts with a plethora of emoticons. Comments should consist of things like: “OMG I love this! J J J ” and “I knew we were meant to be! <3”. Also, start adding a bunch of his friends to your social media accounts. This last step is very important.
Day Two: Start texting his phone every 30 minutes. If you want to take it to the next level, do it every 15 minutes. Texts should be short, annoying, and unimportant. Examples: “I hate traffic, how about you?” and “what color are your pajamas.” Also, sending selfies with the dreaded Duck Face are also recommended.
Day Three: Grab his iPod and delete all of his songs and playlists. Then, add a bunch of tracks that you know he’d find annoying. Create playlists with titles such as, “Our Favourite Songs”, “Songs That Remind Me of You”. If you really want to screw it up, add a playlist with the title, “Songs for Our Wedding Day.” Once he gets on that treadmill and sees the damage, he’ll be angry.
Day Four: Set up a blog about your “relationship”. Start blogging every little thing about your relationship. In detail. To take it one step further, use his real name. You should also write intense lovey-dovey poems. While you’re at it, send him an email with a digital “I Love You” postcard in which you profess your love by writing a blog. Don’t forget to include the blog’s URL.
Day Five: Date night at either your residence or his residence. Turn on Real Housewives of Whatever and tell him you love all of the characters and tell him you aspire to become a Real Housewife. Next level: turn on Here ComesHoney Boo-Boo or Say Yes to the Dress. Act like you can’t live without these shows, and emphasize that you love reality TV.
Day Six: Create a YouTube video. The video can either be a compilation of all his photos, or a combination of your photos and his. Add a Michael Buble song in the background. Then, start sharing the video. Post it on his feeds and tag him.
Day Seven: Date Night. During the entire date, do not put your phone down. Also, bring a tablet and start playing Candy Crush Saga. To end the night, be glued to Pinterest. Most guys hate Pinterest.
Day Eight: Change your relationship status on all of your social media accounts to “in a relationship”. Then, question him incessantly as to why he hasn’t done the same.
Day Nine: Do some online shopping. Buy him a ton of tacky gifts (example: digital picture frame with your photos, a laser etched picture of you on a heart-toggle keychain, etc). Have these gifts delivered to his residence, or better yet, send them to his place of work, but on different days during your “courtship”. If you don’t know where he works, find him on LinkedIn and scare him by proving you have serious stalker tendencies.
Day Ten: Get access to his laptop or phone. Bookmark a porn site. Then, throw a tantrum that he watches porn. Make a really big deal out of it. Start crying and tell him that he certainly isn’t “The One”. Then start posting a bunch of really annoying mantras on social media. Example: “If he can’t handle me at my worst, then he doesn’t deserve me at my best.” This will absolutely end the “relationship”.
