8 Reasons I’m Going To Flake Out On You

No one likes a flake -- and no one wants to try and hang out with one, because that usually results in hanging out alone. But I’m a flake, at my core. A closet flake.

By Holden Desalles

Updated 13 years ago, May 7, 2012

Being a flake has a bad rap. It’s socially unacceptable. People are disgusted with flakes; they’re untrustworthy, can’t be depended on, are always disappointing everyone. No one likes a flake — and no one wants to try and hang out with one. But I’m a flake, at my core. A closet flake. I don’t flake on people much, but I’m constantly fighting it — constantly battling my agoraphobic tendencies. If I do flake, though — which happens rarely — it’s probably for good reason. Here are a few of the most likely reasons for flaking on you that I may have.

1. Because, why did I agree that it’d be a good idea to get together? We were both way drunk when we met through our mutual acquaintance last night and I’m sure now that my insistent demands that we get brunch today and “EVERY Sunday this summer, bro” were definitely the optimism of alcohol talking, not me. I don’t even know you.

2. Unfit for social interaction (UFSI). A phrase coined by TC contributor Tao Lin, UFSI is defined as “lacking the necessary motivation, confidence, meaning, tools, worldview, desire, etc., to function within a social situation at an acceptable level.” Most have been there.

3. You’re too attractive. If you’re way attractive and I want to date you there’s a pretty high chance I’m going to pussy out of it at the last minute and perpetuate the self-destructive isolation/ loneliness loop I’ve been riding my entire adult life. I’m afraid of hot girls.

4. Whoah, just got in a Game of Thrones hole. Today an HBO epic fantasy television show seems more important than you, I’m sorry, just let me have this day alone, I don’t have the will to get out of bed anyways.

5. The person I’m having casual sex with just called and wants me to, ah, help them reorganize their room? I have a bad tendency of ditching friends for sex. It says way more about me than it does about you.

6. Well, I said I didn’t want to come with you. And for some reason you ignored me and kept telling me that I was coming with you. I’m confused as to why you were saying that, because I told you to your face a number of times that I didn’t want to do what you were asking me to do. What compels people in this direction — what compels people to demand their friends accompany them to something that’d obviously be no fun for them and then insist that they’re coming despite continuous protest?

7. Hangover day, you want to ride the subway excessively. Unless you’re inviting me to brunch, I’ll vomit on you in the subway. I like to stay away from those things when I’m hungover.

8. I’m your drug dealer. I’m not actually a drug dealer. But if I was, I’d be way flaky, because being a drug dealer means you meet your customers 25% of the time you plan to meet them, and you’re at least an hour late, every time.