Cereal is a breakfast soup.
There is no reason the alphabet needs to be in any sort of order.
That at every point in history, back to the dawn of humanity, an ancestor of yours was alive.
4. What? WHAT?
You’re reading this in your accent, not the accent it was written in.
I often try to remember my first moment of consciousness and I believe it was when I was 7. I remember distinctly thinking, “I am here and in control.” Everything before that was a blur of random action without thinking of the consequence and not feeling guilt. I didn’t care about making friends up until that point either. I would just wander around on my own. Weird.
Most sports are really just a metaphor for war.
Other people don’t have a clue, either.
My parents were right about most things.
That teenagers are annoying as fuck, and I used to be one.
10. Two blows in one
MANKIND IS THE SINGULARITY OF NATURE!
Also, it’s called a “drawer” because you draw it out.
Farts are food ghosts.
When I found out I could toast pop tarts. I literally did not know this for 16 years.
13. Major buzzkill
At some point in time there will be no one who remembers your existence.
It’s always in the last place you look…because you stop looking once you find it.
I’m an adult now and it turns out we are all just as confused as the kids.
That moment when you have gone from tipsy to wasted.
The brain named itself.
You think faster than you think you can think.
Pizza is always a pie graph of how much pizza remains.
Trains are basically huge fast horizontal elevators.
Ketchup is a tomato smoothie.
That CEOs, CTOs and other execs are just people and have zero power over me outside of the workplace. That was liberating. Now I just imagine them grocery shopping or doing other mundane things and I laugh. Some are pricks and think they are God like but I just laugh and think “sure, you can fire me. But I will find another job and you will still be an asshole but an asshole with no hold over me.”
Every single day I have the realization that we’re literally all going to die. It’s crazy because hey….I’m just not going to exist at some point. Could be today although it probably won’t. Sometimes it really motivates me to have a lot of fun/ to work towards my goals. Because what the fuck do we have to lose? Life? We’re going to lose that no matter what …if this sounds bleak at all it’s not, it’s one of the most motivating things to me. There’s not much to fear.
Trees are just really slow explosions.
Lasagna is spaghetti flavoured caked.
Arby’s sells Roast Beef. Roast beef = RB. They’re “RB’s”
That I was once floating around in my father’s ballsack.
28. And I’m allergic
Pollen is plant cum.
Saturday has turd in it.
30. That Tolkien…
J.R.R. Tolkien died in 1973.
Reversed it’s 3791.
3 rings for the Elves.
7 rings for the Dwarves.
9 rings for the Men.
1 ring for the Dark Lord.
He knew. Somehow…he knew.
Seals are just dog mermaids.