1. Uh…

Was talking to a girl on the phone who at the time was fucked up on painkillers and started relating to me a story about how when she was 7 she pushed a girl into a pool and watched her drown. Her grandma came home, found out about it, and told her to tell the police it was an accident.

That should have been a warning sign right there.

2. Er, thanks?

“I kept some of your hair.” At 20 year high school reunion.

ಠ_ಠ

3. Okay, what the fuck

Copied from an email I received from a stalker seven years ago: “When you and her have your baby, rest assured, I’ll be the one that raises it.”

4. #Jail

When I was about 17-years-old, I worked at a cafeteria and some girls (11 and 13) where chasing me for weeks. They even waited in front of my door when I had to go to work to chase me all the way up there.

One day I was working and the cafeteria was full with people when the 11-year-old girl asked, “When can I give you a blowjob?” Everyone instantly looked at me.

Uncomfortable isnt even the right word to describe my feelings at that moment.

5. I just remembered, I have to go to the store…

Making out with a girl I was seeing, lightly slide my hand up her chest, and as my hand is going to caress her cheek, she grabs it around her neck and forces me to choke her which is fine… she then proceeded to call out her brother’s name…

6. It might’ve been a dare

This happened to a friend of mine I was living with. I won’t go into it, but the situation we were in demanded we shared a bunk bed. We had a rule that we could bring girls home so long as we kept the noise down. One night, whilst sleeping, my friend brings this girl home with him. I woke up to them coming in as they went up to his bunk to start messing around

I hear the typical stuff at first. Lip smacks, heavy breathing, some moaning. Then it happened. I hear the girl whisper to my friend the words “are you down with the funk?”
In retrospect, my friend says he said yes because the chick was hot and he didn’t want to ruin the night. So he says “yeah baby, I’m down with the funk for sure.” Almost immediately the girl takes off her panties, stands up on the bunk, turns around, squats and shits.

Right on his chest.

Luckily for him it wasn’t the messy sort, but as you can imagine, the guy lost his shit(no pun intended). He tossed her off the bunk and started screaming for girl to get the fuck out of his house.

Meanwhile, I’m on the bottom bunk laughing my ass off. So, not really the creepiest thing a woman’s ever said, but now you know what the funk is.

7. Never stick it in crazy

“You don’t have to wear a condom, I’ll just miscarry.”

I wore a condom.

8. Possessive much?

“You have no right to your own life and if you try to leave me I’ll kill you so nobody else can have you.”

Good times.

9. Would block again 10/10

I remember one time this one girl who was oddly talkative in my Options and Fixed Income class kept talking and asking me about my personal life. Then when she added me as a facebook friend, there was a message with it that said “Found you =)” Pretty uncomfortable.

10. Not okay

I was over at her dorm room and, after we got done with our business, I spotted a bottle of my Cologne on her desk. I asked her about it, and she said she sprayed it around to make her room “smell like me.”

Ok.

Next week. She gets into my car. Makes a big SNNNNIIIIFFFFFF sound, and says, “Oh, mmm, smells like YOU in here.” She started masturbating. No shit. Enroute to Kroger.

Ok.

Few weeks later, at her dorm room, I decide to get a little nosy. I find the following: 1-Aforementioned bottle of cologne. 2-Two pairs of my dirty undies (not left by me.) 3-pair of my dirty socks (again, not left by me. And this freaked me out more than anything for some reason.) 4-Envelope with, what I can only assume to be (drumroll…..) my pubes in it.

Not ok.

I break up with her over ICQ (the good ol’ days!) She informs me that she left a bag at my apartment. It’s under my bed. In said bag is a bunch of completely random shit with K-mart tags still on it. It was obviously a plant, meant to force us to have an awkward post-breakup makeup reunion. Nay, says I.

Got my army buddy to drive me over to her dorm in his ford festiva. I saw her on the curb, waiting…crying. I launched that bag out the window and we took off as fast as that festiva would go. Never did see if the bag hit her but, given it’s trajectory, it’s highly likely.

For those who will want to know: The cologne I was wearing was Old Spice.

11. This is really funny

“I want your meat tampon.”

Had to explain to her how that was not a turn on.

12. Say what now?

Her: “Just so you know, I wrote your name on my leg with a boxcutter so I’ll always have you near me.”

Me: ಠ_ಠ

13. That BITCH

I was dating a girl called Alison. My Grandma is also called Alison. I had mentioned that I found it a little weird that they had the same name, so once as we were having sex she asked “Does this make you think of your Grandma?”

It didn’t. Until then.

14. Does DM;HS apply here?

“Put on a condom, you don’t know where I’ve been.”

15. We commit infanticide every day

Had a girl grab my face in the middle of sex tell me it was okay if I came in her, then grabbed my face and told me, “I know how to kill babies!”

16. Excuse me while I violently regurgitate what you made for dinner and shove your face in it

“Did you enjoy that dinner? I put my blood in it. Now part of me is inside of you.”

Yes this actually happened. I thought she meant she put a lot of work into it, like “blood, sweat, and tears” and asked her…and she showed me the cut she made to bleed herself into the dinner.

17. I really like your hair

I was on a study abroad trip to the middle of nowhere, Ireland, to study photography. Sitting down to lunch one day, a girl I was traveling with said, “I wish I could cut off all your hair and knit it into a sweater for me to wear. It would keep me warm.” She said it while smiling in a friendly way, but there was intensity in her eyes. It made me uncomfortable.

18. That phrase

A girl I hadn’t even dated CARVED MY INITIALS INTO HER ANKLE.

She received no penis.

19. Excuse me?

“I think about you when my dad fucks me.” – Actual quote. I really had no idea what to say or do about that.

20. Hot chocolate?

Had a girl request me to break into her apartment, make her hot chocolate in her kitchen, while she’s scared in her bedroom and then come in and have sex.

21. Did you scroll down???

I had a girl I once kissed at a party proceed to send me pictures of her crying, half naked and makeup smeared all over her face joker style.

She won’t stop calling me or sending random pictures of herself with distressed or angry face. This has been going on for three months now.

22. So that’s what you girls do in restrooms

“I masturbate in the women’s room with those thick highlighters.”

23. Wow, you’re friendly

“Your lips looked dry while you were sleeping, so I licked them for you.”

24. I think about you all the time

Wife and I were in town with our son visiting my parents when an old high school friend (she was only ever a friend) came by to meet my wife and 2-year-old son. After we all sat and talked for a few hours and after what felt like a pretty normal night of company, we all got up to say good night and the friend hugged my wife goodbye then turned to me, grasped me very firmly into a hug, kissed me on the lips then whispered into my ear “Your son should have been ours. I love you!” Then turned like it was totally normal and waved goodbye to us and left. My wife didn’t see or hear any of it and I never told her. She thinks the girl is a decent person and we’ll never see her again.

25. What, dad? Are you, what are you even, oh my GOD, dad, what the fuck

I went to a football game with this girl. Afterwards, I went to meet her dad, which was already kind of weird. He said to her, “Is this the boy you’ve been talking about for the past 3 months?”

I had known the girl for 4 days ಠ_ಠ

26. She did it just to fuck with you

So… A girl had a crush on me. One morning when I came home to my place there was a bag hanging on my front door. I bring it inside and see whats in it. I find a new set of pencils. There was also a spoon that you use to feed babies along with a bottle of baby food. A tiny pink hairclip I’d imagine a 9 year old girl might wear. A three page letter telling me the letter was written by a polish girl who just moved into town. She called herself Tatyana D. and she wanted to meet new people in town. So she asked if I wished to bake “Dopplercookies” with here down by an abandoned warehouse at the docks (Yes, that is what she wrote).

Then as the letter progressed the text looked more and more as if someone wrote it while driving a bike. At the end of the letter it was more like random words. Later that same week someone tried to open my door in the middle of the night.

Another week passed and I got a visit at five in the morning from some staff from a home nearby where she apparently lived. They told me they found her sleeping in my bushes and she had run away every night for the last two weeks and that she was very ill at the time. They gave me a number to call “in case of an emergency.” I did not sleep well that following month.

27. Not sure if this story is real

“Special Cambodian spice.” It didn’t sound creepy at the time. But… I’d asked my wife of 25 years what the unusual black ‘seasoning’ on the meal she’d just given me was. Turned out, it was a pharmaceutical in the class of Beta Blockers. By pure luck I ate only maybe one tenth of the amount present, rather than all of it. An hour later I nearly died – weak and intermittent heart beat. A few months before she’d got me to take out life insurance. Beta blockers in more than tiny amounts stop the heart; looks like a natural heart attack. She’s Cambodian.

28. Ewww

I found half a bag of toenail clippings in her closet and when I confronted her about it, she said “Yeah, I like to save them for later when I want a midnight snack.” I got the fuck out of there, needless to say.