Each type handles heartbreak a little differently. As feeling-dominant types, ENFJs often mourn the loss of an important relationship deeply – but that doesn’t mean they can’t move past it healthily and successfully. Below, 21 ENFJs share what they do to heal their hearts when they’ve been broken.
1.
“I keep myself busy socially! As an ENFJ, being alone with my thoughts in general can be tough. When I suddenly have a lot more free time than I’m accustomed to, especially for an unhappy reason like a break-up, that’s an especially good time to reach out to others. If you don’t have a lot of local friends and/or aren’t easily able to be social in the place where you live, I recommend looking for online friends — not necessarily only as a support group (though that’s cool, too!) but also to connect with about your interests.”
2.
“I don’t avoid the pain. Instead, i’ll cry it off for 2 weeks (or worse, a month). After that, I’ll start rebuilding (i.e. exercise, get a hobby, get a haircut, change wardrobe, treat myself to a great meal, reconnect with loved ones, TRAVEL). Same advice to other types. Remember: Heartaches shall pass.”
3.
“Let yourself feel everything fully. Don’t try to control your emotions. Allow others to walk through it with you. You don’t have to be your own counselor.”
4.
“I hibernate and try to regroup. I suspect that’s not the typical extrovert response. Then I try to get out and rebuild. I gave a horrible tendency to forget parts of my own life in a relationship so these ‘in between’ times serve as a sobering reminder as I gear up to ‘get back out there’ and do it differently next time.”
5.
“I cry. I let out all emotion and try to deal with it later.”
6.
“With closure, moving on is easy, like moving to the next book in a series. Without closure, diving into new adventures and people allows me to find a new path.”
7.
“First I lie in bed all day and cry as much as needed. I believe you’ve just gotta let it all out. When I’m in the worst of it, I can’t listen to music or write, which are things that usually I can’t do without. The pain is just too much. Then after I start focusing on every single day; what can I do to make myself happy today? This could be as simple as having a coffee — anything. If I still feel like crying, at least I will have done something that day for me. Every day things get a little easier. Until eventually I only do what makes me happy… without needing to cry over that person.”
8.
“I take time to shut down. When I’m not at work, I’m in bed, watching Netflix, crying, sleeping, just being consumed by sadness. Then I talk extensively about it over and over with my oh-so-patient friends… Analyzing, working through possibilities of what went wrong, what I could have changed, figuring out where the truth lies and how I should respond. Eventually time does its thing and I talk about it less, cry about it less, smile a bit more.
As an ENFJ, I love completely, deeply, passionately. A breakup is devastating, because how do you recover giving everything? Having a job during my breakup was the best thing – it forced me to get up and do hands-on work, which took my mind off of it for a time. I wouldn’t change anything about how I processed my breakup. So my advice is to grieve. Go all in with the sadness like you went all in with the love. Then start applying practical steps toward healing – talk about it, step back and puzzle through it, take on tangible, physical projects. Don’t have another relationship for a long time. Enjoy yourself for yourself. Write. Sing.
Another key is to serve. Give back. Volunteer. Connect and bring people together. Love friends completely. Invest in and mentor people who might not be able to return the favor – it’s so rewarding. Try something new. Create. And most of all, don’t let anyone tell you when you should be over it. The grief is a crucial and beautiful growing process. You’re becoming something new. I’m new now. And I know a new happiness because of the beautiful grief.”
9.
“Talk to people! Of course, they’re people that I truly trust and am willing to open up fully to. Sometimes, getting it out is already really helpful, and if people can give advice too, then even better.”
10.
“What I do: cry, talk it out, exercise, eat healthy, look awesome, do well in school, and meet/date a ton of people. Advice: Realize that a relationship is two ways, and even though you sure as hell did your part, it’s not always enough. You cannot make someone want to be a better person all on your own—this has to be their choice. He/she is a great person in some ways I’m sure, but relationships aren’t just about liking something about someone, it’s about complementing each other; building each other up into the best version of yourselves. It’s not enough to mull over the things you think you could’ve done better—you did the best you could at the time, and that was more than enough. It’s time to let go of the the responsibility you once felt to take care of this person. It’s time to live your OWN life.”
11.
“When my heart is broken I start with giving myself some time to just wallow and feel really sorry for myself. I rehash everything in my head for a while and then I need to talk about it, extensively, with close friends. Next, I need to exercise to get all the bad energy out of my system and surround myself with good people and good energies. I focus on myself in a positive way and try to find the things and experiences in the (failed) relationship that will make me a better and stronger person.”
12.
“When my heart is broken, It feels like my life is ending. I walk through the day with a dark fog surrounding my head. I can’t eat, can’t sleep, usually break down crying at least once a day and have absolutely no interest in anything (yes, dramatic, I know). But I know I need to take the time to feel those raw feelings. I need to sort through what I am truly feeling and why I am feeling that way. I need some personal emotional closure. Acknowledging the pain is the first step of healing.
Once I have felt my feelings, I need to get out and distract myself from wallowing, which I am very prone to. I surround myself with people who uplift me and make me feel great. I will think and process through what the relationship was/how it ended and seek answers. I will often think back and try and solve the mystery of ‘what happened.’ That has been a very difficult aspect in the past of not having concrete answers and left only to my own imagination. I will share with close friends how I am feeling and seek encouragement from them. To move on I have to remove myself physically and emotionally from that person. I need to retrain my brain to think of them as something different. It is very difficult to separate that connection of a romantic relationship and will just be torturing myself by being around them. I will daydream about loving them again or being together and that is just not healthy.
Sometimes I just have to tell myself the truth: ‘It’s over. You aren’t going to ever be together again.’ until I believe it. Sometimes it takes a while to really get myself to believe it but I just have to keep pushing through. I would say to other ENFJS: you may feel lonely but you are not alone. There is someone in your life who cares about you: find them, listen to their advice and loving words. Also, just because it did not work with one person, it does not make you worthless. You are a human being with worth and value that (for whatever reason) wasn’t compatible with this person. Lastly, it is okay to not be okay! Be honest with how you feel. Whether that be with yourself, with your ex, or with your friends. I always feel better when I am open and honest versus pretending I am doing okay.”
13.
“After a heartbreak I turn to introspection. I think about what I could have done differently versus the things I couldn’t control.”
14.
“I withdraw from myself and give myself time to feel sad and honest about my sadness rather than convince everyone else I’m doing okay. I heal myself by thinking about the future and how ultimately the world is brighter and bigger than my circumstances right now. There are boundless opportunities and people to meet and ultimately I too am boundless. Why settle in something that is over? That can’t grow? I would advise some serious self-care and examining of yourself. Like okay, what are my priorities and goals? How am I viewing myself and my worth in light of this situation? And then finally, okay what is actually actually true? And just be confident in the assessment that you come to of who you are and what you want.”
15.
“ENFJ heartbreak sucks. There’s no way around it. Rejection hits this type particularly hard. You threw your heart and soul into that relationship without looking back and devoted yourself to supporting, loving, and deeply understanding that person. You might have even woven them into your many plans for the future. When things break down, the only remedy I’ve found is to redirect all that love: not necessarily to a new partner, but to friends, family, and, most importantly, yourself. Talk through your feelings with someone who won’t try to make you ‘will them away,’ and do your best not to romanticize or fixate on the past. Easier said than done? Maybe. But I’m an ENFJ…giving great advice that I don’t take myself is kind of what I do.”
16.
“I convince myself I’m okay, but definitely am not. I remind myself of the shared good times, but counter them with the horrible moments. I do what I can to completely cut them out of my life, such as delete their phone number and Facebook profile. But I can’t help that the person stays in my head and I think about them all the time. I’d long to undo my mistakes, hoping that we were still together. Yet I come to terms that we did what’s best for each other and I try my best to move on.”
17.
“Unfortunately, as an ENFJ, I don’t really take care of myself during heart break. We tend to feel like martyrs. If I take an emotional hit, I usually end up crying, telling myself I can do what I need to do, and then I make sure others around me are alright. I take the blow, get up, and lead others to their healing. After all, their needs are far more important than my emotions and desires. My advice as an ENFJ, would be to find someone you trust to take care of you. We give everything to everyone. We desperately need someone there to take care of us when we neglect ourselves. Find that person, let them know how badly they are needed, and lean on them in your time of need.”
18.
“A lot of talking with friends and crying it out. I’ve also found that writing has helped me, by putting all my feelings down on paper and the ways I was wronged, it leaves my head a bit.”
19.
“I let myself truly mourn the loss of someone for a few days. Cry it out, let yourself hold their old shirt that still has their smell, watch some tear-jerker films & make a break-up playlist. Going through these stages helps me get those negative feelings out, since I’d much rather think about rainbows and unicorns. Also, grabbing a few friends and rehashing the breakup helps me to externally process the emotions and feel a bit better. Although, I have the tendency to overanalyze and blame myself. A broken heart stays with me for a long time because I gave that relationship my everything, but keep your eyes open. There may be someone just around the corner who is ready to be loved and heard and wants to love you every bit as much!”
20.
“I have to completely dump all reminders of X person to completely disassociate myself. I can never truly move on until I am comfortable being myself again. I journal A LOT and listen to a lot of emotional music.”
21.
“I really have to take the time to grieve and to feel ALL of my emotions. As an ENFJ, I invest a lot of my time and energy into my partner and losing that partner can make me feel extremely resentful. Once I take the time to embrace all of these negative emotions and really feel them for a week or so, I usually am able to move on pretty quickly. I focus on the future and on my own personal goals by going into ‘planning’ mode to distract myself, which usually works.
To my fellow ENFJs: you know how loving and supportive of a partner you are and that you gave your all to that relationship. And if that is how much you can love the wrong person, imagine how much you’re going to love the right person! My really horrible break-up was with someone I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, and now, with my new partner, I am so happy that previous relationship ended because I am so much happier and with someone who truly values me and all my ENFJ quirks!”
