How To Tell If An INTJ Likes You (As Told By 29 INTJs)

"We don't like dating games, and making our intentions known is the easiest way to skip that part."

Updated 9 years ago, May 27, 2016

1. “When I am interested in someone, I act completely normal, or perhaps even a tad too formal, until I am absolutely certain that my feelings are true and I can see myself in the future with you. In this awkward formality stage, I’ll offer to help you with things I would never offer to others (definitely going out of my way). Once I’m sure (yes, this could take years and years or perhaps never at all), I will point blank make it known. I’m not interested in flirting or playing games. I want to know if my feelings are reciprocated and if you see a future with me, too. Like most things, INTJs approach love with caution and dedication.”

2. “I take things extremely slow with romantic interests, so my expressions of romantic interest are very subtle, and probably not picked up on. My game plan actually hinges on me explicitly telling them that I want to be more than friends with them. But there are 3 things that I do with romantic interests that I don’t do with others:
(1) Engage in non-essential communication when we’re apart.
(2) Regularly give compliments. Sometimes it’s about looks, but more often it’s about your intellect, personality, or some other trait I admire.
(3) Make an effort to spend time together, even if it’s in a small group setting. I only make time for things I’m interested in, so if I’m making time for you, that’s a big clue I’m interested in you.”

3. “I find any mutual friends; casually (or so I think) ask about them; decide if they have mutual interests. Obsess. Bring them to fictional character status. Finally, meet them in real life. Ask an offbeat question. Steal awkward glances throughout event. Look away as soon as they look back. Leave the event. Keep mentally envisioning what life would look like together until I am emotionally drained. Then get on with my life as it was before, never telling anyone how I feel/felt.”

4. “They probably won’t know because I don’t show it. I might ‘happen’ to be at various places where i know they hang out, work out etc. but I’m subtle about it. If it’s at work, I find some project that I need their help/input so I have an excuse to strike up a conversation with them. I generally won’t make the first move romantically.”

5. “When I like someone, I try to be around him as much as possible and find out everything there is to know about him. (Especially little things he likes, so I can know how to surprise him; and his long term plans, to know if we would be compatible in the long run.) But the easiest way for another person to tell is that he is probably one of the few people allowed to touch me at any given time.”

6. “I realize that this may not be the most straightfoward way with which one can show romantic interest, but when I like and respect someone, I would usually make the effort to tell them when they have understood something wrongly. I want the person I’m interested in to have the same motivation to strive to reach a deeper understanding of the world in which we live. It is the highest form of flattery if I bother to correct your views.”

7. “It’s simple. I make a point of interacting with the person regularly. I don’t go out of my way to interact with people, even the people I like. I must be very interested if I keep showing up to chat and hang out with you.”

8. “I actually give them my time and listen to their problems. I also show affection through physical touch which I normally do not do. I try to figure out how I can help them confront their issues in a manageable way and do thoughtful things to make them smile. I also start taking on some of their responsibilities as my own ( nothing huge, just smaller chores or tasks I can do to help out *cooking dinner etc) until they decompress.”

9. “When I like someone I research their type extensively and study them when I’m around them. If I listen to you really intently, I might like you, because I find most people uninteresting. I wish I was good at flirting but I’m too shy to try.”

10. “I will flirt. Well, I’ll flirt the way I flirt. I normally think I’m clever and hilarious, but when I’m really interested in someone, I will add a physical touch. I cross my self imposed boundary. I’ll remove a fallen eyelash, or push their hair back slightly. I don’t touch people. I have a bubble and I want it respected, therefore I respect all the bubbles around me. But if I want to make it clear I’m interested without being entirely brash, I’ll breach the bubble. Touch their arm, sit a little closer, keep my hands open on the table, rest my head on their shoulder (briefly). Just small physical cues I’m not closing them out.”

11. “I really put effort into hanging out with them, and I don’t hold back my thoughts. Typically I try to be as tactful as possible with people, but if I’m romantically interested, I value them enough to shoot a little more straight with them. Not necessarily telling them outright but definitely just showing them more of my true form.”

12. “I will spend time with them and talk to them. I don’t give attention to just anyone, you know! Most of the time, people just think I’m a bitch. In general, I see no need to change that. If I take the time to try to flirt or be nice to you, or at least make you think I’m not a bitch, then I think you are special. I also really like being efficient, so if that means sending lots of signals at once (texting/sexting, wearing extra makeup when they are around, increasing affection, etc) then I am okay with it. I will put myself out there, I need to know as soon as possible if they aren’t interested and it’s time to move on.”

13. “I’m not so good at this, but I try to be near them much more often. Sometimes I’ll lightly engage them in a conversation. And this is strange, but I’ll usually say their name when I’m talking to them.”

14. “I put myself around that person as much as possible, short of being stalkerish. I learn as much as I can about them, their likes and dislikes, their dreams and goals, etc. I will also communicate with the person a lot. If I regularly and quickly text you back that’s a really good sign. If you’re ever in doubt whether an INTJ likes you just ask, they will respect you for having the balls to ask and they will be honest with you.”

15. “Sadly for me, I fit perfectly into the stereotype of INTJs being romantic disasters. The art of subtle flirting is unknown to and lost on me. I generally try finding events we would mutually be interested and asking the other if they wish to go see it. Basically, just asking them to hang out one-on-one, without explicitly asking them out on a date.”

16. “I usually end up infiltrating their life. I spend most of my free time with them even doing the most mundane things like supermarket shopping. Half the time I wait for the other one to drop a suggestive comment and pounce on that with a flirty response but that’s the extent of my flirting abilities.”

17. “I don’t experience instant attraction. It takes time for me to figure out if I am actually interested. A tell-tale sign would be if I ask a lot of questions and want to spend time with someone. If and when I come to realize I am attracted, I typically just say so.”

18. “I think INTJs are probably more likely to just state it. We don’t like dating games, and making our intentions known is the easiest way to skip that part. But it is also possible that INTJs would miss signs or opportunities of mutual attraction and then wouldn’t explicitly state their interest. In those cases, I would show my interest by spending time with the person, asking deep and meaningful questions and listening intently to the answers. This is a big deal since we appreciate alone time. I would smile (a real smile, not a polite smile) when I see him or her instead of being vaguely annoyed by another human presence. I can flirt some, but it’s usually after a dating relationship has been established, not as a precursor to dating. My flirting or flattery tends to be very honest and forthright. An INTJ might compliment something that most other personalities wouldn’t appreciate.”

19. “I’ll go out of my way to pursue you, if we’re messaging and I’m asking every question under the sun it’s because I’m really interested in you. It’s all part of my quest for knowledge, the more know about you, the more certain I can be wether we really belong together. It also helps to ask me some questions in return; just to reciprocate the interest.”

20. “It’s pretty much impossible to not explicitly state interest, to be honest. I’m so straightforward that I can’t be vague about it. If I’m romantically interested in someone, I show signs that are very obvious. I’ll send them nice messages, maybe even add emoticons. If I’m going to show someone I have emotions, I might as well be vocal about them.”

21. “As a typical INTJ, the fact that I’m even willing to make/spend time with someone says a lot in my view. I do not spend time with people I don’t like. In fact, if I’m even willing to talk to someone every day, that’s huge for me. I don’t like having daily banter and pointless conversations with just anyone. I’m trying to be better about voicing positive affirmations and will do my best to be mindful and compliment people I’m dating. I’m not very good at initiating physical affection, which is another thing I’m working on; but I am comfortable reciprocating when my partner is physically affectionate. I’m also big at giving gifts and doing nice/helpful things for others, although it’s more important to me that it be a thoughtful gift than an expensive one.”

22. “Generally I’ll keep an eye out for them and try to make their life better behind their back (but won’t actually tell them what I did…go figure). Example: at my former job, I put some lemons on a coworker’s (ENFP) desk because she was feeling unwell but didn’t tell her. It was only a few days later when discussing something else that I casually mentioned giving her some lemons (she was still run-down) that she figured it out.”

23. “Showing my romantic interest involves engaging with the person in a shared interest or hobby – and by demonstrating my knowledge or expertise in that particular area. I make it a point to smile at them, acknowledge them, and engage in conversation. I might send them articles or videos I came across that made me think of them. I’ll do some research on their interests and casually invite them to an event or concert that they would enjoy. But to be honest, none of these things ever come off as romantic. To me, it’s obvious because I would never engage someone in that way if I didn’t actually have feelings for them. As an INTJ woman it seems that most men were always too scared to directly pursue me. So I’m much better at creating a friendship with someone I’m interested in – and then eventually that person’s “E” or “F” (or both) figures it out.”

24. “When I like someone, I distance myself. I can’t find that language that coincides with my thoughts around the person I like. So it remains felt inside and all I can only do is stay at a distance, silently studying them. But, I would definitely take the effort to get out of house and spend more time getting to know them. I may reply using more words than usual. I would not get cranky when we accidentally touch one another’s hands. If they ever ask me directly, I wouldn’t hesitate to tell them the truth.”

25. “Being straight forward and not interested with most people all the time, I am obviously romantically interested in someone when I:
(1) Text to ask them about their day and follow through with more questions despite it being a very bland topic.
(2) Learn their interests, research it, learn it even if it is something out of my element, like dancing.
(3) Remember details of everything thy say because information is power … and power is used to buy gifts and set up little surprises for the said special person.”

26. “I’m very particular with my time. If I actively try to engage, and make plans, and try to remake plans with you (I’m looking at you ENFP’s) when you get distracted (visit a baby animal farm) or forget about the plans, I’m interested. I’ll also try to help you develop, and provide subtle constructive criticism (with the nicest intentions in mind). I also become a little ‘clingy’ if I’m interested, because I want to find out as much as I can about you.. But I think the ultimate (as an INTJ), if I ever open up about my emotions with you, I trust you, and are more than likely pretty interested in you.”

27. “I strike up conversations with them and pay attention for things they indicate that they like, and then bring those things up as ideas to spend time together. I usually will tell them directly that I like them. I’m not interested in wasting time if being direct can help break the ice that much quicker.”

28. “I will communicate my personal space differently; You might suddenly feel that you are allowed to give me a hug, to sit closer, I might even initiate this type of physical contact. And then of course if I am interested – you will know. I do not engage in ‘mating-games’. I will most probably tell you that I have an interest in you, and specify if we are talking about a fling or a relationship. If my intentions are for a relationship, I will be very concerned about how I am expressing myself. That, both in terms of my expressed attitude and in terms of clarification of my intentions. I will add gentleness and tenderness to my otherwise very matter-of-fact and effectiveness-focused way of communication. I will also put much effort in executing understanding with and accommodating your emotionality, that is inherently more on the surface than mine.”

29. “I will ask them to play chess. The brain being the sexiest part of human body, it’s a perfect foreplay.”