1. You COMPLETELY lose the ability to communicate like a rational human being.
You used to be able to talk to this person no problem – witty banter, sexual innuendo, flippant texts – you name it. You could shoot the shit for days. And then all of a sudden, your brain went and thought about taking that person’s clothes off and suddenly you can no longer form a working sentence around them. Your brain becomes complete scrambled eggs every time you come within a mile of them and it’s probably the LEAST sexy thing ever.
2. You suddenly have to analyze ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING THEY SAY.
When he said “Cool, sounds good,” did he mean “Cool sounds good,” or did he mean “I go home every night and fantasize about us being together”? OR did he mean “I’m repulsed by you and am definitely going to make a last-minute excuse to get out of this plan we just made”? All of a sudden EVERYTHING has a hidden subtext and your life’s purpose has become dissecting and decoding it, against ALL OF YOUR RATIONAL JUDGMENT.
3. Your brain checks out of pretty much every mental activity that is not fantasizing about your crush naked.
Oh, did you have an exam coming up or a project due at work? That’s too bad because your brain has fucked off to ‘Picture your crush getting jiggy with you’ land and it’s not coming back any time soon. Hope you didn’t need to actually THINK about anything for the next couple of weeks.
4. Communication with your crush is now an ONGOING ROLLERCOASTER RIDE OF EMOTION that you cannot seem to get off for the life of you.
THEY SAID HEY FIRST, oh my God everything is amazing. Aaaaand then they said “heh” in response to your OUTRAGEOUSLY HILARIOUS joke and now you have to throw your phone into the ocean and legally changing your name to Mildred. But OH WAIT, they’re asking what you’re doing tonight. Oh my God. It’s going to take you fourteen years to figure out how to properly respond to that.
5. You suddenly have absolutely nothing to wear, ever.
Since when do you only have one outfit that you like? You used to have like fourteen of those and then you went and got a crush and then all of your other cute clothing mysteriously flung themselves off a cliff and now you have to go buy a whole new wardrobe, all of which you will also hate within a couple hours of acquiring it.
6. You actually regress to a fourteen year old.
YOU ARE AN ADULT, DAMMIT – one who pays their own bills and goes to work on time and actually has interesting things to say. And yet every time you think of this other human being whose body you so desperately want against your body, you are every bit as flustered and awkward as you were when you were just entering middle school. Honestly, you’d find the regression cute if it weren’t so damn embarrassing.
7. Social media becomes an absolute landmine.
One minute you’re smiling over a particularly witty status they’ve posted and the next you’re wondering who the hell this CARLEY girl is who LOVED it. Like, chill the fuck out Carley, geeze. You’re qualified to call her unchill because you just creeped her back to 2006 and you know that that’s the kind of person she is.
8. Your best friend wants to actually murder you.
If you text them ONE MORE TIME trying to determine whether ‘Hey’ means “I hate you” or “I want you to mother my children,” they are actually going to show up at your house with a baseball bat, ready to put you out of your misery.
9. Suddenly you’re watching your own social media like a hawk.
45 people liked your selfie but DID YOUR CRUSH LIKE IT?! You don’t care or anything. But you looked so good, why didn’t they like it? Do you think they’ve seen it yet? Maybe you should post something else. Maybe you should delete all of your social media accounts. Maybe you should move to Alaska.
10. It gets to the point where the only person you hate more than your crush is yourself.
You have gone so far the rabbit hole of attraction that you’ve actually come out the other side. You’re repulsed by yourself and suddenly want nothing more than to distance yourself from the experience at all costs.
Of course, this is always the exact point at which they ask you out. It’s a law of the Universe.
Don’t fight it. Just revert back to stage 1 and strap yourself in to do the whole roller coaster ride all over again.