When you think of the word ‘soulmate’, what comes to mind? For the majority of people, finding your soulmate is synonymous with living happily ever after. It means finding that one special someone who was made for you, someone who will whisk you off your feet and kiss all your troubles away. We are surrounded by this ideal in popular culture, in the fairy tales we grow up hearing, and in Hollywood (or Bollywood!) movies. For many, finding their soulmate is a lifelong mission. And yet very few people, if any, find relationships that fully live up to that ideal.

If you’ve ever questioned whether soulmates exist, you’d be right to feel skeptical. The good news is, they do exist. However, an actual soulmate is something very different to what most of us have been taught to believe.

In the spiritual world, and certainly within the realm of Tarot card reading, the term ‘soulmate’ is far more nuanced and inclusive than in popular culture. Soulmates do not necessarily have to be romantic connections, and it is highly likely that you will meet more than one soulmate over the course of your life. They are people who are present in your life to teach you specific karmic lessons, to help you heal, and to reach a new level of self-awareness, compassion, and consciousness within yourself.

Essentially, soulmates are not here to help you find love or validation from the external world. They are here to help you realize that you are worthy of unconditional love and compassion, first and foremost from yourself. The fulfillment in these relationships comes from knowing that the love you’re able to give the other person is directly proportional to the love you are already giving yourself. You show them love because you want to, not because you need their love in order to feel like a valued human being.

So when we are in a relationship, how can we tell whether they are a soulmate connection? Here are three top signs to help you know.

1. You’re not relying on them to make you happy, but loving them makes you happier

This one is absolutely key to a soulmate connection. You do not need them in order to feel happy, valued, or fulfilled in life. However, having them in your life makes it so much richer and more joyful. When looking at your relationships, it can be helpful to reflect on whether the connection is based on habits of codependency, independence, or interdependence. In codependence, two people can become over-reliant upon each other to fulfill all their needs. This can come in the form of not having any friends outside of the relationship, not having any hobbies or time away from the relationship, or not making space to be alone in order to cultivate your own individual interests. Codependent connections can quickly become toxic, especially if each person is expecting the other to meet all their emotional needs.

On the flip side, independence can be just as damaging. In our culture today, women in particular are often fed the message that being strong means not needing a man. While it’s important to nurture yourself and to be financially secure on your own, viewing men as ‘unnecessary’ or ‘unneeded’ can be incredibly toxic. It’s important within connections for each person to feel valued, wanted, and desired, and not simply an accessory or nuisance.

This is where interdependence comes in, where a connection feels central to your life without taking away your ability to make time and space for your individual needs and pursuits. When you’re living in interdependence with someone, you celebrate each others’ differences and encourage a healthy balance between spending quality time together and doing things independently. Most importantly of all, you take responsibility for your own feelings and do not blame or expect the other person to make you feel better.

If you can look at your partner and say, “I need you because I love you,” rather than “I love you because I need you,” then you’ve got yourself a solid foundation for a soulmate connection.

2. They bring up—and disrupt—old patterns

While we are taught to think of soulmate connections as being without conflict, the truth is that these relationships can often bring up the most intense emotions and challenges. How we each meet those challenges determines the quality of the relationship.

It is really important to reflect on your life and exercise some self-awareness in noticing if there are any specific patterns that keep coming up in your relationships. Perhaps you have repeatedly become involved with people who were unfaithful, or you might notice a pattern of chasing after people who didn’t treat you well in the end. Within a soulmate connection, you may find that certain patterns come up, but then an opportunity arises for you to respond to the situation differently from how you might have in the past.

I’ll give you a personal example here so that you can better understand this dynamic. In the past, I repeatedly experienced relationships ending because their ex came back into the picture. It was always a difficult process for me, and I’d often feel bitter and resentful towards the ex as well as the person I’d been involved with. Recently, a similar situation arose with my partner, where his ex contacted him. While I felt myself being triggered into a state of insecurity and resentment in the situation, I made a conscious choice to acknowledge my feelings and past hurt, to communicate this with my partner, and to extend compassion to everyone in the situation, including myself. Doing this, and having my partner respond to it positively, helped to break an old pattern. It was incredibly challenging, but I learned a huge amount about self-acceptance in the process.

Essentially, while a soulmate connection won’t be free of arguments and conflict, it should involve both people learning to communicate with each other more honestly and compassionately.

3. The connection calls you towards healing deep parts of your physical and energetic body

The final sign that will absolutely indicate a soulmate connection is that your relationship will be geared towards healing. You will both feel a desire to treat your bodies, minds, and souls better, and can take up practices like healthy eating, meditation and exercise that will nourish you both. If healing isn’t happening within a relationship, it’s not a soulmate connection.

If you’re considering whether a connection you have is soulmate material, take some time today to reflect on these three signs. If you find that your relationship doesn’t align with these signs, it’s absolutely possible for you to take action within your relationship to help it become a soulmate connection. When you have a Tarot reading to explore this area, the cards will often bring up specific past experiences, practices, and lessons that you would benefit from reflecting on in order to make space in your life for a soulmate connection. Above all, this reflection and any Tarot reading should be geared towards helping you reach a deeper place of self-acceptance and love in yourself, which inevitably will open the way for a soulmate to come into your life.