It’s hard to love a friend who does not know what you feel. It is never easy to just kiss and tell your secret to someone who you are in love with.
Falling in love with a friend is not an easy job. The secret glances, romanticism of someday, and getting hurt in the process of loving, all because you see them every day. Your heart is always in your mouth and it is impossible to speak up. You wish that you could just go unfriend that person so you don’t need to see him or her every day and not keep that secret inside you that keeps you awake every night.
You plot before you go to bed to avoid your friend, or at leas, forget that you are in love with this person.
You basically ignore him or her for the rest of the day and pretend that everything is okay between the both of you. You don’t want to complicate your relationship because keeping that secret inside you is already complicating your life.
But saying goodbye after a long day makes you realize that ignoring him or her does not help you at all. It just made it worst for you because you longed for his or her attention. You want your friend more than just a friend does.
You feel awkward around this friend and you feel tension building up, but in reality it’s just you suffering from your anxiety because you don’t want this person or your friends to know that you are fucking in love with them.
It’s hard. It’s tiring. But you keep going anyway.
You don’t talk too much because if you do, you will pour out your heart to all of them – keeping nothing for yourself. You will spill everything if you speak or talk too much and everything that you kept inside you is all wasted.
There are moments when you think your friend already knows what you are feeling, and that he or she is just pretending not to notice anything to avoid conflicts and awkwardness when the both of you are around.
You hate yourself for that – for keeping everything and falling in love with a friend.
Loving a friend in secret puts you in a situation where you do things that a friend usually don’t do for their friends. You just let your feelings guide you in the process of loving this person.
No matter how crazy it is to love in secret, to hope in a hopelessness, to tire yourself for someone you are not sure is noticing the special attentions you give, it does not matter to you.
You always believe that loving is not about getting it back and expecting it, but rather the opposite. You love and everything makes sense. You don’t wait for it. You don’t expect it.
You will love your friend as long as you can no matter how tired you are.
Someday, your eyes are going to meet in a busy street or coffee shop, and you are not going to be afraid of whatever emotion you have in your eyes. You will not be afraid to love this time.
It is never too late. It won’t ever be.