1. The Mushy Couple
There are few things that anger and confuse me more than mushy couples on Facebook. These are the couples who interrupt your lunch-break stalking session with epic declarations of love, and an overload of emoji hearts. The couple who has their profile picture AND their cover photo set to a perfectly posed “candid” snapshot of themselves cuddled up to their lover. These couples anger me because somehow, they make me feel like a third wheel when I’m not even with them. Their constant banter through comments on pictures of each other make my “you look good” or “where is that?” comments look awkward. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that my compliment was going to be lost in a sea of “I love you more” and “you are SO gorgeous.”
I’m confused by these couples because as a social media platform, Facebook is designed to allow people to forge lifelong relationships with people they’ve met once or twice. When couples like this are born into social media they welcome the world into their love life. I get it, you are proud to be coupled with this person. But isn’t allowing the entire internet world to read your brags the same as inviting the party next to your table at The Olive Garden to sit and listen to you fawn over the love of your life?
Yes, the answer is yes.
2. The “I’m obsessed with this one thing so I am going to post multiple pictures/videos/memes a day of it, to convince you just how much I love it”
Your cat? A jeep? dance? Whatever your hobby happens to be, I salute you for it. It’s great to have a hobby. It’s great to have a guilty pleasure, something you like to talk about. My problem here, is when pictures of your new car (or the car you wish you had) start outnumbering the pictures of babies and wedding announcements on my news feed. I have FB so A.) I can keep in touch with people I love and admire, and B.) I can stalk people I secretly hate/don’t know but I am jealous of (chances are if we are friends you fall into one of those two categories…) When you start posting pictures or videos of the same things every day, I can’t help but start to re-evaluate this internet friendship. (To be honest, I keep some people who do this because the other drama in their life outweighs the annoying obsessions they have…)
3. The Over Sharer
Whether this person is the one who writes status updates that are long enough to be published and listed on the NY Times best-sellers, or the one who likes and shares every meme to come into existence, it doesn’t really matter. What does matter is the fact that this person doesn’t just worm their way into your news feed, but that they ARE your news feed. These are the people who are unfollowed on a regular basis, because none of us want to see the fifth ‘script words against a sparkly background’ quote you’ve posted today. Your over-active newsfeed has me concerned about your every-day life. I sit in wonder as I contemplate how you accomplish your daily tasks, while sharing everything there is to share on the internet. Actually, I don’t…I unfollow and carry on with my scrolling.
4. The Under Sharer/Sub-Status-er
We get it “life is just so hard,” and you “just wish people understood.” But PLEASE for the life of everything that is holy, if you aren’t going to share it all, don’t share AT ALL. Your passive aggressive pleas for help are aggravating me, because I am curious enough to care, but I don’t care enough to ask. Chances are, I don’t know you very well, but I’m still someone who likes drama and I would like it to unfold. Don’t tease me. It’s not nice.
5. The Gamer
Candy Crush, Farmville, and Pet Rescue are all games which have come into existence and stayed popular because of Facebook. The creators of these games are clever in their marketing strategy. They ask you to ask your friends, hoping your friends will see your request, want to help you out, and then get hooked on the game themselves. BUT, this isn’t what happens. What does happen is that I get requests for these games showing up as notifications. I’m hopeful, in that I see the notification and a little flutter flips in my stomach. Somebody loves me. But then, I see that it’s not a like or a comment about me, but a request to play Farmville — giving me the desire to stomp through your virtual tomato patch, and destroy your crops like you’ve crushed my hope for friendship.
** I should admit that I am an active Candy Crusher, but I only send requests to fellow crushers…it’s all about the way you game people.**