I’m Sorry, I Love You, But I Have To Leave You

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for starting whatever it is that we have. I’m sorry for all the promises I’ve made, knowing that they’ll be broken soon. I’m sorry for telling you things that made you love me even more. It wasn’t my intention to lead you on because I thought I was sure of you. Maybe deep inside I knew that this wasn’t going to last but I was in denial, because I wanted this to work. I wanted this to last. Maybe I’m tired and done of denying it now.

Lastly, I’m sorry if my only reason for choosing you was because you were the right choice but not my “happy” choice. I thought that maybe if I stayed with you a little longer, I would learn to love you like I loved the person before you. Now I know, I’m wrong.

I love you.

I really do, but I guess not as much as I love the person before you. You made me happy, yes. But that person made me happier. It didn’t matter if our relationship was as toxic as all the chemicals combined, that person made me the happiest girl alive. Despite that, I still love you for everything. I love you for being patient with me. I love you for understanding my thoughts. I love you for accepting all my flaws. I love you for not judging me because of my past.

But, we were friends before all of these happened. Maybe I fell in love with how we were as friends and must’ve mistaken it for real love. When in reality, we were only becoming really close friends. We were so desperate on finding love that we risked our friendship over it.

But I have to leave you.

You are so good to me that I felt guilty. Guilty because it felt like I was taking you for granted, like I was taking your love for granted. You deserve so much better than what I gave you, which is not a lot. You deserve a better first love. You don’t deserve to be an option, nobody does. But I made you one and for that I am truly sorry. I told you that you made me happy, but honestly? That was before.

As months passed by, I became bored and unhappy with how things were. I was starting to miss the things I used to do with that one person that I can’t seem to forget. I was starting to compare you to that person. It didn’t take me long to realize that you were not the one for me. Yet, I still didn’t leave you. Why? Because I was scared. I was scared that I wouldn’t find someone that can look past my damaged self and love me. I was scared to be alone.

I know that was unfair to you, what I did. I can’t find enough reasons to justify my actions because it was wrong. I loved you, but not the way you deserve. I hope you can understand why I did what I did. You were my right choice because I wanted to be responsible and not disappoint the people around me for once. But sometimes, right decisions don’t always make you happy. Decisions can be wrong and absurd in so many levels, but at least you’re happy and I think that’s what’s important.