Something about love has always been so incredibly charming.
Even the body reacts to this strange human emotion so bizarrely. The heart starts racing. Palms get sweaty. Heat rises to the cheeks. Mind goes blank.
Perhaps this is the kind of love we all hope for. The kind that has soft, delicate touches leave tingles in their wake. The kind we lose sleep for. The kind that makes even the wisest person in the room dumbfounded. The kind that makes us want more and crave for another human’s presence.
I once tried to live desperately in the hopes that a love like this would come. A love so fierce it spreads like wildfire across the rainforest. I had long desired for someone to love me as deeply as I have loved others—to be completely given back all that I have offered.
And maybe this is why I have never felt truly happy. I wished for a love that could mend my brokenness, this lonely feeling in my chest. I thought being loved back was the only way to fill the gap in my heart. But I was wrong.
I have never been loved, and that is perfectly okay. Loving others sincerely gives life more meaning than satisfying the need to be loved back.
Maybe there is a reason why love has stalled a lot on me. Maybe there is a reason why love has stood me up a few times. Maybe there is a reason.
This reason, perhaps, is because I deserve to be loved fiercely at the perfect time. I deserve a love that won’t give up on me. I deserve a love that waits for me. And the only way I could feel this is if I didn’t bargain my love. If I stopped asking for more than what I rightfully deserved. If I stopped counting the times someone had told me they loved me and wondered if it would ever be enough compared to what I have given them.
I would only feel truly happy in love if I quit putting a price on my heart.
For now, maybe, love’s delay fits the timing. Because while I have never been truly loved yet, I am still perfectly capable of loving others without asking for anything in return.
I’ve realized that to love is to walk a different path every day, and at this moment, this is the road I chose to take.