The Unedited Truth About Why You Suck, Based On What College You Went To

Animal House

University of Arizona

You’re really obnoxious about college sports and lose your voice at every basketball game. You tell everyone that Kourtney Kardashian went to U of A.

University of California – Los Angeles

You say things like “I don’t know anything about Middle America”.

Trump University

There is nothing wrong with you, absolutely nothing, especially not with your hands! You have very big hands – the biggest, some say! Also you understand that a fine steak is most delicious well done with a side of ketchup. Ah, the wonderful taste of a charred America!

Fashion Institute of Technology

You go out every single day of the week because ~New York is the city that never sleeps~.

University of Southern California

You only admit it when you’re drunk but your application to the school was sent with a check from your parents to build another library.

Texas Christian University

You bleach your hair every other month and justify it by saying you were blonde as a baby.

New York University

You’re constantly trying to convince people you were into a trend before it was even a trend. On Saturdays, you buy a rainbow bagel just so you can Instagram it.

Arizona State University

You judge people who don’t have a tan year-round. Your signature drink is a vodka-soda. You’re still pissed about that joke they made on SNL about ASU.

Vassar College

You think everyone needs to try shrooms “at least once, man”. You have really strong opinions on body hair and also, everything else.

Brown University

You talk too much about being vegan and how Emma Watson was totally in one of your classes freshman year.

Georgetown University

You really want to be President. Your dad really wants you to be President.

Pennsylvania State University

You go too hard at the pre-game and your friends have to take care of you.


You never stop repeating the phrase “Harvard of the South”. You swear Nashville is cooler than it seems.

University of Texas – Austin

You still wear bracelets with weed leaves on them.

Duke University

You drive a Mercedes but talk a lot about your part-time job.

University of Colorado – Boulder

You spend all your time hiking which might explain why it took you 6 years to get your English degree.

University of California – Berkeley

You think capitalism is a disease but you still wear $100 Birkenstocks.

Gonzaga University

You didn’t drink for the first time until you were actually 21.

University of Virginia

You started saying “ya’ll” the second you got to campus and still haven’t stopped 10 years later.

The Ohio State University

You want to be a CEO but the only thing you’re good at shotgunning beer.

Villanova University

You have to do the sorority squat in every picture. You’re totally sure nothing will ever be better than college was.

University of Maryland

You still wear cargo shorts. You would eat a car tire as long as it were smothered in Old Bay.

University of Kansas

You won’t shut up about basketball and dollar night at the bars, but that doesn’t change the fact that you still live in Kansas.

Auburn University

Your favorite T.V. show is Friday Night Lights.

Boston College

You’re Conveniently Catholic and probably drunk right now.

Julliard School

You judge people who have a backup plan.

Stanford University

You play squash unironically. You totally could’ve gotten a job at Google but it just wasn’t a good fit.

University of California – Santa Cruz

You work at Cold Stone Creamery and never wear shoes. You haven’t been sober in three years.

University of Montana

You think slack-lining should be in the Olympics. There’s at least one half-empty bottle of whiskey rolling around somewhere in your car.

Seattle University

You think that complaining about public transportation and rent and how Amazon is ruining the world is “original” and “good” conversation.

University of Miami

You haven’t worn a shirt in four years and you think sunscreen is bullshit.

University of Florida

The Taco Bell parking lot is one of the classier places you’ve vomited before noon.

Middlebury College

Everything you own is made out of fleece and you go to a protest twice a week.

Evergreen State College

You think the government is out to get you.

San Diego State University

You joined a sorority looking for sisterhood but ended up in a cult instead. Whatever. At least you got a monogrammed backpack out of it.

Smith College

You said you weren’t going to, but you’ve experimented with pretty much everything (and everyone).

University of Cincinnati

Your sports program has made you an expert at convincing yourself that irrelevant things are relevant.

Bethel University

You’ve lost every game of ‘Never Have I Ever’ that you’ve ever played.

Providence College

You dress like a frat bro even though your school doesn’t even have Greek Life.

Louisiana State University

You’re still trying to maintain drinking five nights a week while also having a job.

Coastal Carolina University

You’re still coping with the fact that you didn’t get into ECU or USC but winning the baseball championship lessened a little.

Williams College

Naturally, you landed an awesome internship straight out of college. Your first taste of reality came a year later, when you screamed at your boss that he should hire you full-time and he replied “no.”

Wellesley College

You never hesitate to bring up that time you met Hillary Clinton. You also can’t emphasize enough how hard you cried when she shook your hand.

Rutgers University

You really hate when people call you a Bernie Bro even though you’re a literal Bernie Bro. You once threw up seven times in one night but still rallied afterwards. You then put it on your resume.


You were in a male a capella group and put that on your resume. They hired the guy from Rutgers.

University of Iowa

You consider a guy to be “putting in effort” if he lets you make him snacks while he and his buddies watch football.

Bob Jones University

You skip some parts of the Bible because they’re too sexual.

Sarah Lawrence College

Your parents are Republicans but you don’t believe in government.

Oberlin College

You’ve never done your own laundry and can’t wait to publish your novel that centers around a man (who will never be named) in his 20s finding himself in Brooklyn.

University of Wisconsin

You will fight someone to the death over which brand of beer is the best. You also named your dog after a beer brand.

University of Michigan

You talk about how great your grades are at Thanksgiving when your 8-year-old cousins are kicking your ass in family sports.

Syracuse University

You knocked your own teeth out while drunk your freshman year and now you work for Instagram.

University of North Carolina

You’ve never touched a basketball but constantly talk about the team using the word “we”.

Western Michigan University

You live with six of your best friends but refuse to say which one is really the best.

City University of New York – Baruch

Your main life goal is to own a skyscraper.

Tulane University

You pine for the days of “exploring the city of New Orleans” when in reality you spent four years drinking in dark rooms in the French Quarter.

Carleton College

You aspire to be more like Barney from How I Met Your Mother. You say “suit up” unironically.

College of  William and Mary

You’re convinced you were born in the wrong generation.

Oregon State University

You think that shooting a .22 one time means you’re a redneck even though your family vacations on the coast every year.

Hampshire College

You still don’t know how you accidentally founded that super successful media startup.

University of Vermont

You majored in horticulture until your parents pulled your funding. Now you work at a bike shop in Burlington and refuse to shower “on principle”.

Princeton University

You try to ignore the fact that you had to live in New Jersey for four years.

Southern Methodist University

You peaked in high school.

Dartmouth College

Your intelligence and sense of entitlement are only surpassed by your deep, deep sense of self-loathing.

University of the Arts

You take karaoke and flash mobs way too seriously.

Ithaca College

You followed Phish around for an entire summer but now you work in PR.

Texas A & M

The most valuable thing you own is your grandmother’s pearls.

South Dakota State

I’m sorry, what?

University of Connecticut

The cows on your campus are more fun than the student body.

West Virginia University

You’re determined to be a hometown rapper.

St. Cloud State University

You married someone who makes you worry they love their boat more than your kids.

Colorado State University

You vape in public.

University of Nebraska – Lincoln

College football games are more important to you than the Super Bowl. Or national elections. Or your job. Or… anything.

Connecticut College

You’re either the most basic of bitches or the type of guy who would major in Women’s Studies just to get laid.

Emerson College

You thought you were the David Beckham of Quidditch.

University of Alaska – Anchorage

You had to Google ‘Are there colleges in Alaska?’ when applying for school.

Pacific Lutheran University

You went to Peru for a semester and won’t stfu about how hiking Machu Picchu was like, life altering.

North Central College

You wear Sperrys out to bars.

University of Pennsylvania

You’re embarrassed Donald Trump went there but you still partied with Tiffany.

Illinois State University

You listen to shitty rap music, drink Burnetts, and always carry your heels home after the bar.

Point Park University

When you get drunk you start singing verses from Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals.

Harvard University

Your dining hall looks like Hogwarts but you’re still depressed.

Northern Arizona University

Not A University.

University of Notre Dame

Your family religiously watches Rudy every Christmas.

Stanford University

You totally thought of Tinder before the Tinder person thought of Tinder but were too busy with finals to make it.

Monmouth University

You swear you went away to college but bring your laundry home to your mom every weekend.

University of Ohio – Miami

You accidentally applied to the wrong school but didn’t get in anywhere else.

University of Wisconsin

You’re sick of the cheese jokes. But, yes. You like cheese. Who doesn’t?

Columbia University

When people ask you where you live, you say Harlem.

Cornell University

No one can remember if you went to an Ivy or not.

University of Delaware

You have no memory of your freshman year.

Waldorf University

You wear hoodies and moccasins year-round.

University of Oregon

You tell everyone you know that the founder of Nike went to U of O. Also, you won’t admit it but your basketball court is ugly.

Virginia Commonwealth University

You consider beer a food group.

California State University – Chico

You had a C+ average in high school.

University of Minnesota

You might actually die of exposure if Patagonia ever shuts down.

University of Alabama

You have a crimson-tinged shrine to Nick Saban in your dorm room. Ya freak.

University of Central Florida

U Can’t Finish.

Texas State University

You didn’t get into UT-Austin.

Rhode Island School of Design

You have 15,000 followers on Instagram. You took a glass-blowing workshop and this is the millionth time you’ve talked about it. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

About the author

Fortesa Latifi

Fortesa Latifi is a 24-year-old writer and graduate student.

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