This Is How I Lost Her

woman standing looking sad
Pietra Schwarzler

I lost her when I stopped caring. I lost her when my heart went numb. Her feelings and wellbeing were never a priority to me. I was insensitive. She held on, but at some point, she had to let go.

I lost her when I shut her out. She was never welcome in my world. I lost her when I convinced myself that I never needed her. That her presence in my world was threatening to my ego as a man.

I lost her when I stopped holding her hand. I lost her when I left her all alone in the cold. When I left her all alone for the world to do their worst. I lost her when I stopped being there for her. When her needs weren’t as important to me.

I lost her when I tore her heart open. When I broke it into tiny bits. I hurt her. I lost her when I watched our love burn to the ground but did nothing.

I lost her when I lied. When I played catch with her heart. When I played a game that was never worth it. I lost her when I lied well enough to convince myself that that was truth. But to her, I was an open book.

I lost her when apologies were heavy to my tongue.

I knew I lost her when her eyes closed. When her voice shook. I lost her when her words burnt me from the inside out.

I lost her when I forgot how to make her laugh. I lost her when I forgot her laughter. When I couldn’t remember the last time she laughed and caught her breath. I lost her when I couldn’t remember how beautiful she looked whenever she laughed. I lost her when she lost her smile. When her pain overwhelmed her joy.

I lost her when pain was the only thing written all over her face.

I lost her when I failed to remind her every day of how much she meant to me. I lost her when I stopped doing the little things that made her feel special, what she deserves.

I lost her when I forgot the taste of her lips, how they felt. When she no longer recognized mine. I lost her when my touch was cold to her, foreign. I lost her when my hugs were cold and unwelcoming. I lost her when every little thing I did was never from the heart.

I lost her when I stopped speaking from my heart. When I lost sense of what love is all about.

I lost her when she told me she couldn’t fight all by herself any longer. I lost her when she told me how hurt and tired she was. I lost her when she shed a tear for me.

I lost her when she wished I didn’t try so hard. When she told me that I should’ve been myself with her. I lost her when she had no more words for me.

I knew I lost her when she said goodbye. TC mark

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