On December 31st, I’m not kissing you on the count of one. I’m not staying the night. I’m not telling you how crazy in love I am with you. I’m not FaceTiming you, sending you a happy New Year text, or blowing up your phone with sexy, silly Snapchats.
On December 31st, I’m healing myself over fixing you. I’m listening to my favorite songs over hearing your problems. I’m sitting on a table with my loved ones over a chair across from you. I’m laughing about how bitch of a year 2017 was instead of crying about it. I’m thinking about my hopes for the next year over my fears of what’s to come.
On December 31st, I’m replacing the love I have for you deep down inside of me with seeds of self-love.
I’m telling my mind to forget that you exist when it has the urge to contact you. I’m silencing my heart every hour it screams your name. I’m pushing my body to dance the night away when it doesn’t move as it only wants to move with yours. I’m letting go of your happiness and I’m welcoming mine. I’m putting my faith in myself instead of you. And I’m risking losing you over losing myself.
On December 31st, I’m being brutally honest with myself. I’m reminding myself of what real love actually feels like over your almost, unrequited love. I’m telling myself the difference between a healthy relationship and a toxic one. I’m assuring myself that being single with a broken heart is better than being in a relationship with broken dreams, false hope and an injured self-esteem.
On December 31st, I’m teaching myself that I cannot change my destiny with you, but I can change it for myself. I’m teaching myself that love sometimes is not meant to be, that it’s not always right, going to stay or become this magical, beautiful force. I’m teaching myself to live in a life without you in it. I’m teaching myself that you belong in my past not the future. I’m teaching myself that fighting for someone is not the answer, acceptance and letting go are.
I’m teaching myself to love myself more as I love you less in each given moment that’s left.
On December 31st, I am leaving you. I’m not going to be there when you want a friend. I’m not going to look you in the eye and tell you how beautiful you are when you need to feel loved. I’m not going to hold your hand and tell you it’s going to be okay. I’m not going to be your family, best friend, biggest fan, or forever person anymore.
From now on, I’m not going to choose you because I’m starting to choose myself.