I Don’t Deserve You, I Deserve Better

 Clarisse Meyer
Clarisse Meyer

All that I want to do after a long day at work is be with you. I want to be on bed with you. I want to have endless pillow conversations. I want to get lost in our own world for a little while. To forget about the notifications and the unanswered texts. To forget about the ones who broke our hearts. To forget about our fears and the things that make us feel like we are not good enough.

Here I am, waking-up without you beside me and I go to sleep alone. Not that I don’t cherish my independence and own space, I just have this crazy feeling that screams being close to you, being intimate with you. Just being with you really.

You set my heart at unease. I am afraid to be the hopeless romantic I am because I don’t want to overwhelm you or scare you away.

I am afraid that I will end-up being the one who tries more. The one who hopes for more but ends-up with less each and every single time. The one who loses a piece of her heart with each heartbreak over someone who wasn’t worth it.

You leave my mouth hungry. There are things I want to tell you. And there are many questions I want to ask. I want to let you in to my thoughts: the silly, the serious and the crazy. I want to know the 1% you are keeping locked. I want to see your situation from your eyes with more clarity and compassion. I want to see you emotionally naked, I want to feel your vulnerability.

My love for you is caged. It is kept in a place that it doesn’t belong to. And at times, I feel like it’s being taken advantaged of than taken care for. I feel loved and unloved at the same time. How is it even possible to feel wanted in one moment and unwanted in the one that follows? You know, I just can’t help but feel that it’s a matter of time until my love for you turns into something else. Something I cannot recognize. Something I don’t want. Something I am not.

I believe you when you say that you are trying. I believe that you don’t know what you want like you say. And I believe that you are slowly but surely navigating through a very dark tunnel desperately hoping for a spark. Waiting for some sort of light to save you. And as much as I would like to be that for you, I can’t and I don’t want to. It’s not my job to help you figure out who you are. And it’s not my job to give you purpose in life.

I cannot prove to you that real love exists if you don’t want to believe in it. I cannot tear down your wall if you keep on building one brick after the other. I cannot ask you to turn fucked-up to normal, lies to truth, broken promises to future plans, empty kisses to meaningful ones. I cannot ask you to change your old ways for us. I cannot ask you to change for me.

I am the kind of person who wouldn’t let the people that mean the most to me go to bed angry or upset with me because I give a shit. I apologize the instant I realize I was wrong. I will always choose a connection I have with someone over the connection I have with my ego.

I put myself out there and I do it fearlessly. I don’t sugarcoat my feelings. I mean what I say and my words have value. I go after what I want and I go for it a 100%. I am someone you count on in sickness and in health. I am someone who will fight for you and will always remind you of your worth. I am the kind of person who will love you endlessly. I am very simple in my chaos. All I am looking for is a partner, a best friend, a team player.

A warrior. Someone who brings my fairytale to life by simply being themselves. And you are just failing me while I keep on falling. Maybe that’s why they call it falling in love because love only gets deeper, bigger, harder. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

About the author

Farah Ayaad

An Arab at heart. A writer in the making. A unicorn wannabe.

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