I thought you were a good person in a bad situation. And it turns out that you are a bad person who created a bad situation. You distract yourself from your out of control life by controlling everyone around you. There is nothing you hate more than being caught off guard or finding yourself on a road you cannot navigate through clearly. But you have no problem whatsoever in misleading people, manipulating and confusing those around you.
You are alone because you are an asshole. A douchebag who ruins everything he touches. You are the most selfish person I know. You think that you get to destroy people without the consequences of your behaviors catching up to you. And you think that people are objects for use whenever possible. You are not kind, you are not compassionate, you are not loving. And therefore, you are not intelligent because intelligent people leave the world a better place than they found it, not worse. I am so disappointed in myself for not seeing that ugly side of you because I was busy loving the beautiful side.
You will never find love because you don’t know what love is. You will never feel love for anyone because you don’t love yourself. And you will never get to see love unfold before your eyes because whenever it starts to evolve, you kill it. And you make sure that you erase its existence so it can never grow back.
There were numerous times when everything was brutally hurtful and the odds were not playing in your favor and I held my ground. I did not jump into conclusions, I did not abandon you, I did not give-up. I trusted you and I believed you. That is maturity in a very immature situation and patience in a very stressful experience. But when it was your turn to go through something that was not planned, in a situation of misunderstanding and changed plans, your real character rose and you cracked under-pressure. You take pride in being emotionally disconnected from people and you convince yourself it makes you strong. But let me tell you it makes you weak and it magnifies your insecurity.
You’ll miss me in the eyes of the women who don’t see you. And you will miss me in the hands that don’t feel you, in the hearts of people who can’t heal you. Don’t look for me when you realize that your best laid plans always led you to me but you never noticed. Don’t look for me the moment everything you worked so hard for loses meaning because you don’t have the right person by your side to share it with. And don’t look for me when my eyes are what you need to look into.
I cannot thank you enough for teaching me about the kind of partner I don’t want to be with.
And I cannot thank you enough for the times I thought I needed a companion and you proved me wrong, for the nights I thought I could not sleep off but I did, for the pain I thought would make me numb but made me more empathetic. Thank you for not loving me because I finally understand that love is a choice, a commitment. Thank you for reminding me that I am good and that I am worthy. By showing me that what I fear the most always happens, I am free as long as I have it in me to survive anything.