Sorry! These 6 Incredible Jobs Only Exist In The Movies 

It’s almost Labor Day, the universally agreed upon time when we all pause capitalism for a day.

The sales and betrayals and soul-crushing hustle must all restart tomorrow, but today, we ride! To the barbecue. Anyway, if you’re like me, then you’ve spent at least one Labor Day in your life wondering if you should be an astronaut. You’re not working, after all (unless you’re one of the many who are), and Labor Day is the perfect time to reflect on your job and about how it’s not currently in space. But while you’re daydreaming about this career change, you might as well imagine yourself in these 6 additional and equally badass professions. The catch is that they are all inventions from movies!

1. Bioexorcist (from Beetlejuice)

Tbh Beetlejuice’s main job is to just, like, be Beetlejuice. It takes a lot of work to look that dead. That said, Beetlejuice also has gainful employment in the form of his quotidian bio-exorcism work. Tasked with frightening living beings out of their homes on behalf of angry ghosts, Beetlejuice draws upon every lesson in his Bioexorcism Studies degree to exact his extractions. It all sounds like a dream. As a freelancer, he has no boss to answer to, and he never has to worry about losing his healthcare.

2. Memory Eraser (from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind)

Ethics aside, the job of Memory Eraser would be great just because of how easy it is to perform. You just set up some equipment and sit there as some poor sap wipes their entire brain clean. For instance, Kirsten Dunst’s character has enough time to drink recreationally, have dinner, and uncover an entire mystery during Jim Carrey’s erasure procedure. Think of how many errands you could do or how many TikToks you could watch while getting paid to do this job! 

3. Dream Extractor (from Inception)

Don’t give up on your dreams, or your dreams will give up on you.

Instagram, probably

That quote from a 2012 post about a sunset is more pertinent today than ever before. If you want to be like Leonardo DiCaprio and enter people’s dreams to steal corporate secrets, then go for it! Don’t give up! I will support you all the way, because being a dream extractor honestly looks so fun. You get to be a spy and a ninja all at once, and you even get to do parkour off of funhouse hallways. Sure, you might find yourself racked with guilt or despairingly questioning your own identity from time to time, but that’s just an occupational hazard.

4. Looper (from Looper)

I do not typically condone “assassin” as a viable career choice when mentoring young children. However, if they tell me that they want to be a “time assassin” like the Loopers from Looper, then I immediately change my tune, because honestly how badass is that? Sure, the whole killing people thing would take a toll eventually, but like … time travel! How many times have you thought to yourself, “Man, what would I give to be back in 2000 with my newest NSYNC album and a can of Surge?” With this job, you could literally relive that! You would just have to bring a gun since you’ll have to murder someone right afterwards.

5. Blade Runner (from Blade Runner et al)

Are you good at working independently? Do you have the interpersonal and problem-solving skills necessary to track down bioengineered humanoids and end their artificial lives? Are you movie-star handsome? Great! Those are the only prerequisites for being a Blade Runner, other than a B.A. in English and Economics and preferably a master’s degree. But once you’re in, you’re in, and when you’re not evading the murderous sentries of government-wide conspiracies, you get to drive cool flying cars. Definitely worth the ever-present risk of death! 

6. Ghostbuster (from Ghostbusters et al)

You get to wear a bootlegged nuclear accelerator on your back. What more could you ask for? But wait, there’s more. You always get paid in advance, you always have snacks at the office, and you don’t even need a college education. As long as you’re not afraid of the concept of death itself, then this is hands down the best fictional job available to humankind.