6 Unhinged Predictions For ‘The White Lotus’ Season 3 Finale

There’s something missing from The White Lotus Season 3. Jennifer Coolidge, obviously, is missing, but I’m trying to hit at something else. Bear with me a moment as I try to figure it out.

Is it missing interesting, conflicted characters? No, there’s plenty of interpersonal and intrapersonal conflict. Is it subversive queerness? No, just like in past seasons, the show has found a new way to shock us in that regard. Is it perhaps missing an anthropological thesis about the solipsism of American tourists while visiting developing nations? Wow, I even bored myself with that sentence. Wait. “Bored.” That word is ringing a bell. Oh, of course! Now I remember what the show is missing: Anything interesting! 

There have been plenty of fascinating moments this season, but we’re seven episodes in and nothing has reached boiling point yet. There’s no overarching narrative momentum or all-consuming sense of tension. And since The White Lotus Season 3 has been content to operate at a snail’s pace, let’s rectify that by making our predictions for the finale as unhinged as possible. Someone should be entertained by this show. Might as well be us.

Everyone in the Lorazeclan except for Piper converts to Buddhism

Instead of heightening all the tension between Piper and her mom over her budding Buddhism, The White Lotus has introduced yet another Piper-related conflict in its penultimate episode that it has barely developed. With Lochlan wanting to stay with Piper at the Wat Phu Khao Thong monastery, she seems to be balking at the idea. But how fun would it be if everyone else in her family were to decide to stay there, too? Maybe after they all nearly die drinking Timothy’s pong pong smoothie (as the Episode 8 trailer has hinted at), they realize that they’ve been too materialistic and flock to live among the Wat Phu Khao Thong monks for eternity. Piper, who realizes that she was only doing all of this to get away from her family, returns to God’s Country, North Carolina, where she becomes the billionaire owner of a fracking business and international cockfighting ring. She is finally happy.

Sritala finally learns how to use Google 

One of the most unbelievable developments of The White Lotus Season 3 is that Sritala, owner of the White Lotus resort, does zero research about Rick and Frank before meeting with them at her home. Not one glimpse at IMDB. Not even a cursory Google search for a Wikipedia page. She just immediately believes them and displays zero natural curiosity about their respective filmographies.

…until Episode 8, when she finally learns what Google is and looks up their names, only to learn that she’s been duped yet again! Then, true to her character, she smacks her forehead and says, “D’oh!” This can be a mid-credits scene.

Mook reveals her true identity

Many Very Online people have theorized that Mook (Lisa from Blackpink) is conspiring with the Russians to take advantage of Gaitok. With one episode to go, we have seen absolutely nothing interesting of the sort. In fact, it appears that this storyline is just … an extremely slow-burn romance. Y’all, we need to spice this up! 

What if, in the final minutes of the finale, Mook peels off her face Mission Impossible style and reveals that she’s actually a 55-year-old British man tasked with bringing down the Russian Mafia? Then she shoots all three Russians in their foreheads and kisses a now sexually-confused Gaitok full on the mouth. Feeling nothing, they conclude that they’re both straight and part ways.

Fabian becomes a beloved international pop star 

After witnessing Fabian’s much-hyped three second dinner performance in Episode 7, Dr. Luke – a frequent White Lotus guest – decides to collaborate with Fabian on the single, “It’s Not Corrupt if You Smile.” It becomes a Billboard-topping megahit and Fabian is invited to tour with Sara Bareilles.

Saxon and Lochlan move to West Virginia and become closer than ever

They move there and open a spirituality retreat since they both want to have more purpose in life and since West Virginia has some of the lowest property taxes in the U.S. Wait. What were you thinking? 

Belinda sues the White Lotus chain for endangerment, becomes a millionaire

At least one storyline in Season 3 should be believable. Also, Belinda is one of the few characters worth rooting for! If any of our unhinged predictions come true, let it be this one. Oh, and it should end in her getting married to Pornchai. That would be a Season 3 finale development worth waiting for. 

We’ll just have to wait until Sunday to see what happens.