What The Best ‘Pride & Prejudice’ Movie Taught Me About Life And Love
Pride & Prejudice, ampersand mandatory, is a towering cinematic achievement.
The movie is appropriate for at least 1,000 unique situations: 10 minute increments over breakfast; sick day comfort watches; post-breakup depression watches; Sunday afternoon rainstorm watches; background noise while you do your taxes; background noise while you get audited for tax fraud; background noise as you plot your escape from the country; background noise as a SWAT team arrives at your home and you crawl, most ardently, through the bathroom window. The list goes on!
However, 2005’s Pride & Prejudice, directed by Joe Wright in his first collaboration with Keira Knightley, is not just versatile but instructive. The late 18th century-set romantic drama contains several lessons that I have absorbed into my psyche over the course of several watches. In the spirit of generosity, I share those lessons with you now.
Never trust a man with a ponytail
Mr. Wickham is this movie’s closest thing to a villain. He lies, cheats, manipulates, monetizes relationships, and isolates Lydia from her family. It’s only thanks to Mr. Darcy’s wealth and connections that Lydia never realizes the true nature of her husband. At least, not within the course of this movie.
And this is all because of Mr. Wickham’s ponytail. The increased surface area of the ponytail has allowed it to absorb more evil from the air than a typical haircut, generating a direct link between the ambient evil and Mr. Wickham’s brain. At least, that’s my takeaway from this movie!
You can’t be a poet and a downer
Writers. We’re weird! We shy away from exuberant displays and turn inward, content to observe the lives around us. This is already off-putting enough. We cannot also be Negative Nancys! Elizabeth’s sister Mary, however, does not realize this, and ends up having what is one of my favorite exchanges in the movie.
Mary: “I think a ball is a perfectly irrational way to gain new acquaintance. It would be better if conversation, instead of dancing, were the order of the day.”
Miss Bingley: “Indeed, much more rational, but rather less like a ball.”
Elizabeth: “Thank you, Mary.”
Translation to 21st-century English:
Mary: “I think society would be so much better if we could get off TikTok for a few minutes and just, like, connect.”
Miss Bingley: “You don’t have a lot of friends, do you?”
Elizabeth: “We are never letting you out of the basement again.”
No man is worth catching a viral infection over
Mrs. Bennett is the O.G. Kris Jenner. She’s a society woman obsessed with exposing her daughters to the world and she’ll do anything to raise their social standing. To this end, she sends her eldest daughter Jane to visit the Bingleys in the middle of a rainstorm, causing Jane to catch a cold and require daily care from the rich and charming Mr. Bingley. Then Mr. Bingley ghosts Jane immediately after! Ladies and gentlemen, never risk your entire immune and respiratory systems over a few minutes of Vitamin D.
Suspect anyone who makes you walk too much
When Elizabeth visits the Bingleys to check on her sister, she falls into the clutches of the snobby Miss Bingley, who forces Elizabeth to walk around the room several times. This is already suspicious. No real friend would make you do exercise for fun. And sure enough, Miss Bingley ends up being an arrogant elitist who turns up her nose at Elizabeth’s family. The moral here is: End contact with anyone who asks you to do physical exercise.
Accept all of your friends’ cringey boyfriends
Elizabeth dodges a bullet when she rejects the advances of the sniveling, graceless Mr. Collins. Then she judges her friend, Charlotte, for marrying the same man. Rude! Charlotte deserves love, too; and plus, people get married for different reasons. Just because Mr. Collins can’t make Elizabeth happy doesn’t mean he isn’t right for someone else. However, this lesson only applies to people in movies. There’s no reason for me to accept my friend Cassie’s prickly, awkward, Goblin-From-Harry-Potter-looking boyfriend Kyle just because Elizabeth Bennett did it.
Touch grass every morning and someone will eventually propose
Elizabeth Bennett is a dynamic character possessed by strong opinions and passions. However, she technically does very little to elicit Mr. Darcy’s two proposals. The first time, she simply runs outside to cry in the rain. The second time, she walks aimlessly through a field at dawn to literally touch grass. The lesson here is that if you regularly touch grass, a rich handsome man will eventually appear and marry you.
In conclusion…
If you, like me, have accepted these lessons into your life, then you’re just as functional an adult as I am now. Which is to say, not at all. Now go touch grass!
