4 Things I Learned NOT To Do From Julia Roberts Rom Coms

Let’s go back in time to the ‘90s, when this writer was hypothetically in elementary school.

I’m not saying that he was, because that would mean that he’d be in his 30s now. However, if he were – and again, this writer is only maybe in his 30s – he would have heard a lot about Julia Roberts. “Oh my God, I’m literally Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride,” his straight beard would have squealed during recess, even though she didn’t have boobs yet. “Oh my God, I know every word to My Best Friend’s Wedding,” his beard’s nemesis would have shouted while setting a first grader’s Lisa Frank trapper keeper on fire. “Oh my God, Notting Hill was…” Well, you get the picture! Julia Roberts rom-coms were everywhere in the ‘90s. However, that does not mean that they were reliable sources of advice for nine-year-olds. With that in mind, may I now present the four things I learned NOT to do from Julia Roberts rom-coms in the ‘90s.

Don’t make up fake boyfriends

In My Best Friend’s Wedding, Julia Roberts’ character goes full sociopath immediately after learning that her best friend is getting married. It’s almost as if there had been a vestigial jealousy gene within her that activates only when other women find success. Just for fun, let’s call it the Female Character Written By a Male Screenwriter Gene. In any case, Roberts’ suddenly jealous Marianne not only dabbles in a little breaking and entering, but invents an entire fictional boyfriend to impress everyone around her. I had actually tried this a couple times in elementary school: I claimed girlfriends in Pennsylvania and Canada so that my female friends wouldn’t notice my longing glances at their Enrique Iglesias binder covers. However, in Marianne’s case, this backfires. Thanks to this movie, I eventually stopped inventing fake girlfriends and began dating real beards. 

Don’t get famous, it’s a trap

I’m just a writer, standing in front of my standing desk, telling you not to get famous. Notting Hill taught me that! I mean, Roberts’ character Anna fully cheats on her boyfriend with Hugh Grant’s William for the first part of this movie, later chalking it up to the perils of being famous. Then, when she disparages William to strangers behind his back, she chalks this up to being famous, too. But later, when paparazzi follow her to William’s house and harass her, she blames that on William! Girl, that was the one time that your fame was the reason for something! The rest of the times you were just being an a**hole! Anyway, this movie taught me at the tender age of ten – er, I was hypothetically ten – that getting famous turns you into a delulu chaos gremlin. 

Unethical journalism isn’t sexy

In the case of Runaway Bride, I learned more from Richard Gere’s sociopath character than from Julia Roberts’ sociopath character! In fact, Roberts’ character, Maggie, isn’t a sociopath at all, in hindsight. She’s a smart and assured woman who greatly values her agency and doesn’t want to settle for less. Hence, the runaway-ing. Gere’s journalist character, Ike, on the other hand, visits Maggie under false pretenses and then gaslights Maggie into believing that his conception of her – and angle for the story – is her only reality, effectively avoiding any complex thinking on his part. That’s not a very meticulous or accurate investigation! When I eventually wrote my first article of my career (for my middle school newspaper), I made sure to let my primary source – the 13-year-old reader of the morning announcements – show me what her story should be. Ultimately, the story was that she wanted to have more Snickers bars waiting for her in the morning when she came in to do the announcements. Imagine if I had never shared this with the world.

Don’t marry Dennis Quaid

I didn’t see all of 1995’s Something to Talk About – I only caught part of it by accident during an unsupervised visit to the kitchen past my bedtime – but I did learn something valuable from this movie. Do not marry Dennis Quaid. He cheats on Julia Roberts’ character in this movie! How dare he! That’s only OK when a Julia Roberts character does it – and it’s due to the character being famous! In any case, when I later saw Far From Heaven, in which Julianne Moore marries Dennis Quaid only to learn that he’s secretly gay, I had zero sympathy for Julianne Moore. I mean, you can’t knowingly marry Dennis Quaid and then act all surprised when it blows up in your face. Needless to say, I still haven’t married Dennis Quaid to this day – and let me tell you, I’ve had a lot of opportunities. So, thank you, Julia Roberts, from the bottom of my non-delusional heart, for being the sole reason I’ve never married Dennis Quaid. Now, if I can only figure out why I haven’t married Timothée Chalamet.