4 Reasons Why You Could Never Win This Beloved Reality Competition

Let’s get this out of the way. If you’ve never watched RuPaul’s Drag Race, then that’s the #1 reason why you’ll never win it.

Most people can’t immediately win at something they know little about. Sometimes they think they can – see: the 12% of British men who think they could win a point off of Serena Williams – but those men are delusional. (And probably chauvinistic.) Now, if you have heard of RuPaul’s Drag Race, then you probably already know that it’s an Emmy-winning reality drag competition that combines the best of America’s Next Top Model, Project Runway, American Idol, and SNL. You also probably know that you could never. Let us count the reasons why.

1. The talent

Drag Race fans will know that a winning queen needs “charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent,” per host RuPaul. (Spell out the first letters of each of those words, and you’ll suddenly understand why RuPaul says this 100 times per season.) But the “talent” part of that acronym is not an afterthought, not remotely. When I say that Drag Race combines America’s Next Top Model, Project Runway, American Idol, and SNL, I mean that literally. To make it to the end, a winning queen on Drag Race must excel at acting competitions, sewing competitions, singing competitions, and comedy competitions. Imagine if Simon Cowell were to ask Kelly Clarkson to design a leather harness or if Tiffany from Top Model had to slap Tyra Banks in an improv sketch. Then you’ll get a sense of the stunning versatility and talent on display in Drag Race.

2. The lewks

Did I mention the fashion competitions? Whereas the outfits on Project Runway sometimes lean towards the basic, the lewks on Drag Race often give high camp and drama. Queens on this show have fashioned Vogue-worthy garments from sleeping bags, pool noodles, farm tools, Christmas decorations, and trash collected from the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. (Yes, that last thing really happened in a recent episode.) That’s not to mention the incredible looks that these contestants bring from home. There’s a runway every episode, after all, so each queen must deliver at least one stunning look per week. Once, a queen walked the runway on stilts. Another time, a queen came out on all fours dressed as a house fly. And I don’t mean to make assumptions, but I’m guessing there’s only a 25% chance that you can make a ball gown out of trash bags. (That’s another thing that has happened on Drag Race … several times!)

3. The lip syncs

Every week, the two lowest-performing queens of an episode have to square off in a lip syncing competition that shows off their performance skills. If they demonstrate enough energy and charisma – and in many cases, literal gymnastics – then they can impress RuPaul and stay another week. Now, if you have done as much drag as me – that is, little to none – then you would likely have to do this “lip sync for your life” in your very first episode of your season. But if you are as talented at high-risk gymnastics as me – that is, not at all – then you would also likely start crying and then walk off the stage. Queens on this show can jump into splits, tie their ankles behind their backs, turn their heads around 760 degrees, and spiderwalk up walls while sewing a dress out of Saran wrap. If you can do all that, then by all means, send in an audition tape. 

4. The shade of it all

Are you ready for the most important reason why you could never on Drag Race? The shade! If you like to read Thought Catalog, then I’m guessing that you’re like me and you wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school. That is to say, you hate being mean to someone, even when they’re literally punching you in the face. That’s why we – you and I – could never on Drag Race. The cutting insults never stop on this show; the queens have to be on their A-game at all times. If you’ve ever cried watching a video of puppies getting adopted, then I’m sorry, but you would lose Drag Race immediately. And if you still think you could win, well hey, I bet you also think that you could beat Serena Williams at tennis.