My Expert Takes On 5 Oscar Nominees For Best Picture (That I Haven’t Seen)

Something miraculous happened this year. When this year’s Oscar nominations appeared in my news feed, I had already seen half of the nominees for Best Picture.

That never happens; I usually have to work up to half. But this year, my tastes actually aligned with those of the roughly 10,000 members of the Academy and supposed movie experts who make gay Oscar prognosticators cry on YouTube every year. This is partly because this year’s Best Picture nominees include not only box office juggernauts (Wicked, Dune: Part Two), but a crowd-friendly music biopic (A Complete Unknown) and an honest-to-goodness horror movie (The Substance). These are categories that the Oscars often overlook; these are also categories that comprise my regular movie diet. Oh, and I’ve also seen Conclave because I heard that it was like Mean Girls but with the Pope. However, since everyone on Pop Culture Internet is discussing the merits of the other five movies that I haven’t seen, I will now present my expert opinions on these movies based solely on their titles and on clickbait headlines I’ve seen on TikTok. 

Nickel Boys

This charming coming-of-age tale about two childhood friends who collect rare nickels during their fifth grade summer vacation will have you saying, “If I had a nickel every time this movie made me chuckle.” What a heartwarming comedy! However, I have also seen some Film Twitter sound bites about how this movie is “staggeringly beautiful” and “audacious” due to its use of POV shots, archival footage, and flash-forwards, so I can only assume that it’s also some sort of true crime documentary? Maybe the Nickel Boys get bored of collecting coins and decide to commit murder.

I’m Still Here

I know two things for a fact. First, this movie’s star, the Golden Globe-winning Fernanda Torres, is Brazilian. Second, this movie contains “I’m” as well as an adverb in its title. That can only mean that it’s part of the I’m Cinematic Universe, which also includes the Bob Dylan biopic I’m Not There, the critically bashed drama I’m Not Here, and the unhinged Joaquin Phoenix faux biopic I’m Still Here. Thus, this new Brazilian I’m Still Here will continue the gripping saga of our beloved protagonist “I’m” as they determine whether they are near to – or far – from the speaker, and whether they want to declare this in the positive or negative. Warner Bros. has already greenlit a sequel, I’m Neither Here Nor There And Please Stop Asking.

Anora

I have gleaned that this movie is about a sex worker with a heart of gold, and that there is also a scene involving a hilarious boner. Putting two and two together, I can guess that this is an ‘80s-style sex comedy. Do we really need more of those? 

Emilia Pérez

I’ve actually heard a lot about this movie. According to reviews by actual trans and Mexican people, this movie about a trans Mexican woman is one of the worst Best Picture nominees of all time, and Selena Gomez was neither “snubbed” nor deserving of a nomination. But if you ask cis American film reviewers, this movie is “bold” and “inventive,” and will reshape the future of cinema. Who am I supposed to believe? The people who’ve been through the real-life experiences that this movie attempts to depict? Straight white film snobs? The answer is obvious, but pending. I’m waiting to watch this movie with my Peruvian boyfriend so that he can tell me if Selena Gomez’s accent is really as bad as everyone is saying. I’m still at the level of Spanish where I can only distinguish between European Spanish, Argentinian Spanish, and someone yelling at me. 

The Brutalist

Obviously, this movie is about a man who’s brutal to his friends to the point of being rude, thus forcing them to confront him about his attitude. Also, Adrian Brody cries in this. I mean, I assume that he cries in this because he’s already won so many awards. But like, all of this is obvious from one glance at the title. Who needs to watch a movie that predictable?