6 Things ‘Love Actually’ Taught Me NOT To Do

It’s wintertime once again in the U.S., which means that it’s time to talk about Love Actually.

If you don’t once debate its merits before the end of the year, then were you ever even alive? At this point, you either love or hate the movie, actually, and must firmly declare your stance on the Internet; otherwise, you’ll fade into irrelevance. It is in this spirit of FOMO that I unequivocally state my love, albeit a qualified one, for Love Actually. This movie may be glossy and frothy, but it ultimately taught me what not to do in my romantic relationships. Behold my hard-earned lessons, shared freely and selflessly with the world.

1. Don’t sleep with your boss, even if he is prime minister

It has taken many re-watches and unfortunate life events for me to realize that love, actually, is not as easy as Love Actually makes it seem. While Mia’s (Heike Makatsch) affair with her boss Harry (Alan Rickman) never ends in a win for her, that’s perhaps predictable, given that Harry is married. The real gag is that Natalie and David’s storyline is pure fantasy – not because David is prime minister, but because he’s her boss.

Think of the HR nightmare David and Natlie would create in real life. Granted, Love Actually takes place in a pre-#MeToo universe, but that’s no excuse for its flagrant refusal to depict realistic human behavior. These two wouldn’t be able to defend their love in the court of public opinion, let alone the mainstream media. Now, I won’t tell you how I learned this – nor how I learned any of the lessons in this listicle – but please trust me. Bosses are not good lays; they are capitalist overlords.

2. Don’t hide your partner’s Christmas gift in an obvious, easily accessible location

Harry’s dramatic storyline with Mia and Karen (Emma Thompson) wouldn’t have even happened if he had just learned how to hide his gift for Mia better. While I don’t condone his behavior, nor affairs in general (at that point, just make it an open relationship!), I do condone keeping all of your Christmas gifts in out-of-state maximum security bomb shelters. 

3. Don’t just fly to random places in the hopes of getting laid

Colin (Kris Marshall) has such high hopes when he books a ticket to Milwaukee. Miraculously for him, there are three gorgeous, easygoing American women waiting for him in some random dive bar when he arrives. This is, again, fantasy. First of all, those women would be drinking somewhere way ritzier in real life. Second, no one has ever gotten this lucky after doing only minimal research on their travel destination. If you don’t believe me, just book a ticket to Pyongyang and see what happens. 

4. Don’t date someone whose language you don’t know

Language barriers can lead to hilarious moments. Just see Jamie’s (Colin Firth) storyline with Aurelia (Lucia Moniz). They rarely know what the other is saying, even when wanting to make out with each other. Hilarious. But also: Dangerous! Jamie eventually asks for Aurelia’s hand in marriage despite barely knowing anything about her! What if she had admitted to him that she was the Zodiac Killer on their first date, just before he learned Portuguese? So, now he’s just, like, married to the Zodiac Killer? Yeah, that’s a no from me, dawg. Learn your love interest’s target language. For instance, I once went on a date with a guy who thought the Earth was flat. I wouldn’t have realized this if I hadn’t known Portuguese. I mean, imagine if I had just kept dating him, perpetually curious as to why he never wanted to fly past Hawaii? 

5. Don’t leave your phone on when hooking up with Rodrigo Santoro

Sadly, I didn’t learn this particular lesson from personal experience.

6. Don’t turn declarations of love into multi-slide presentations

By now, we are all aware that Mark’s (Andrew Lincoln) grand declaration of love for Juliet (Keira Knightley) is, at best, quixotic. At worst, it’s selfish and cruel. However, it’s never a good idea to use diagrams, photo illustrations, or even posterboard when attempting a serious discussion with your love interest. And you know what? I’ll actually tell you how I learned this one. In seventh grade, I broke up with a guy by showing him a Venn diagram of our personality traits. (There was nothing in the middle.) He responded by sending me “Breakfast at Tiffanys” by Deep Blue Something and then refusing to speak to me for a year. Are y’all happy I finally opened up and told you that? Are you?? *cries* Happy holidays, everyone.