Have you ever watched an Alien movie and wondered if it was supposed to be queer? You’re not alone. It was! I think. Well, there’s no way to tell, really, since the Alien movies are only queer according to queer theorists, and queer theorists literally think everything is gay. It’s their job. Universities pay them to do this.

That said, I consider myself an amateur queer theorist. In A.P. English in high school, I chose to analyze Their Eyes Were Watching God from a queer theorist’s perspective instead of from a Marxist, postmodernist, or feminist perspective. Like, our teacher literally crossed out queer theory on our handout to prevent us from reading about it or using it. Naturally, this was a red region of Virginia. But I rebelled! I stood up in front of my class and explained how Janie Crawford was secretly a big ol’ lez. 

This makes me a queer theorist and thus qualified to explain why the entire Alien franchise is homosexual.

Here are seven reasons.

1. The first movie served genderqueer realness

Even in the ‘80s, Sigourney Weaver’s badass depiction of Ripley in 1979’s Alien was lauded for its rejection of traditional gender roles. She was a rip-roaring, determined warrior, far from the damsels in distress that frequented movies of the era. On top of that, the titular alien from Alien was a genderless species, presenting typical characteristics of both males and females from other species. As one filmmaker wrote in “How ‘Alien’ (1979) Queered the Binaries of Traditional Gender,” “if we regard the Alien as a twisted representation of femininity, then Ripley’s prolonged fight against this creature can represent their continued refusal to assimilate into this supposed binary.” That’s exactly what I, a licensed queer theorist, was going to say! 

2. Michael Fassbender’s whole vibe 

In Alien: Covenant, Fassbender’s android character Walter is devoid of personality and opinions, and kisses a man who looks exactly like him. He is an L.A. gay.

3. One character’s name is Lambert

Thanks to the existence of Adam Lambert, me, and that other living gay American writer-journalist named Evan Lambert (yes, there is one!), “Lambert” will one day become synonymous with gay. However, we can’t say that the 1986 sequel Aliens is queer just because there’s a character named Lambert in it! Rather, Lambert (Veronica Cartwright) is canonically queer: In a blink-or-you’ll-miss-it moment, Lambert’s file appears on a screen and reveals that she was male at birth and later transitioned.

4. The entirety of Alien: Resurrection 

Often criticized and disregarded by a certain (read: cis-het) section of the Alien fanbase, Alien: Resurrection has put up with a lot over the years. However, it’s also known as the queerest of all the original four movies. First, there’s that whole thing about Ripley being a horny human-alien hybrid with razor-sharp nails and acidic blood. The condition instantly others her, making her both alluring and mysterious to her human colleagues while effectively depriving her of human society. Um, helloooo, that last thing is what happens to every queer person growing up! But that’s not at all. The new Ripley is a tad pansexual. Look at how lovingly she strokes Winona Ryder’s face. It’s like Blue is the Warmest Color in space.

5. One of the characters in Aliens literally had gay sex

I didn’t even need to apply my accredited knowledge of queer theory to analyze this one. There is literally a moment in Aliens when two male characters are talking about their sexcapades with aliens, and one admits to having gay sex. Here is the actual exchange:

Frost: “I sure wouldn’t mind getting more of that Arcturian poontang. Remember that time?” 

Hudson: “But the one you had was male.” 

Frost: “Doesn’t matter when it’s Arcturian, baby!”

The two men laugh and slap hands, complicit in their acceptance of non-normative sexual behavior.

Despite the presence of the word “poontang,” which I’m unsure was cool even in 1986, I can confidently say that this scene was queer! 

6. Vazquez

The hits in Aliens just keep coming! The actress who played Vazquez in Aliens has said that her “masculine” personality traits in the movie attracts praise from gay men and lesbians alike. “A lot of gay women come up and say, ‘Oh my god, when I saw you, and you had a masculine look to you, I saw myself,’” she told The Dallas Observer in 2016. “But … a gay man from Guatemala came up to me, and he said, ‘I identify so much with her,’ but he was very feminine. Vasquez is universal.”

I rest my case! Wait, no, actually there’s one more thing.

7. The chest bursting scene in Alien is a metaphor for coming out

A new powerful lifeform emerges from a boring heterosexual shell. It’s dramatic and unexpected. One person almost faints. It’s the coming out of every queer person’s dreams. 

I will happily accept my diploma in Queer Studies now. Thank you for attending my dissertation.