Judging by this summer’s box office numbers, no one cares about the movies anymore. Well, more realistically, the public is just tired of Hollywood’s endless sequels, remakes and IP investments. But since the idea of a major studio investing in an original story in 2024 is unhinged, let’s just stick with what we know: TV. At least those sequels, remakes, and IP investments are actually good.
Of course, the biggest release this summer – outside of Season 3: Part 2 of Bridgerton – is the second season of House of the Dragon. Are you watching? Do you remember anything? Do you still know the difference between Viserys, Lucerys, and Chrysalys? And do you know which of those names I just made up? Don’t fear. I have some unfounded predictions about the new season that will catch you up in no time.
1. Rhaenyra and Alicent go on a team building retreat
It seems like there’s no going back for these former ride-or-dies. There was still hope back when Alicent was just slut-shaming Rhaenyra and marrying her dad, but then things escalated when Alicent accidentally ordered the murder of Rhaenyra’s boyfriend and almost stabbed her at a family meeting. That’s not to mention her son’s dragon casually devouring Rhaenyra’s son Lucerys and his dragon, Arrax. That said, I still have hope for Rhaenyra and Alicent! Maybe they’ll suddenly realize during a girls’ trip to Pentos that they’ve been used, manipulated, and turned against each other by powerful men for their entire lives. Or maybe they’ll just poison each other at breakfast.
2. Daemon stops being the Internet’s boyfriend
It’s beyond me how Daemon became the “Internet’s boyfriend” after murdering his wife, grooming his niece, neglecting his children, mocking his dying brother, glorifying systemic corruption, and strangling Rhaenyra. Are y’all OK? Is that what you’re looking for on Raya? I didn’t want to turn this article into a life coaching session, but I’m thinking it’s time for a reckoning. Either y’all need better therapists or Daemon needs to spend all of Season 2 repenting and completing community service in Dorne. Only then can he earn the title of “Internet’s boyfriend.”
3. Rhaenyra’s first husband returns under a mysterious new alias
Remember when Rhaenyra’s first husband, Laenor, was “murdered,” inspiring a heap of think pieces about the “bury your gays” trope? But then, surprise, he was actually alive, inspiring even more think pieces about those previous, less enlightened think pieces? (“We just didn’t know back then,” they wrote, one week later.) Well, there’s definitely the possibility that Laenor could return. When things start to get boring, he’ll just sail back from wherever he’s partying – likely, the Westeros version of Fire Island – and stir things up. I’m imagining a full Count of Monte Cristo moment where he appears one night in a Venetian mask, throws a lavish party for 5,000 of his closest friends, and exacts revenge on Criston Cole for murdering his boyfriend. Then he’ll put out a hit single and debut a new line of bespoke chainmail at Braavos Fashion Week.
4.Criston Cole and Ser Larys start a crisis management firm
Speaking of Criston Cole, we’re all rooting for him to get his just deserts, right? It’s still unclear how he was able to get away with a hate crime in front of King’s Landing’s most important power players, including literally the king, without getting punished. In fact, he failed upwards in the most spectacular way! He’s now Alicent’s bodyguard. That said, I imagine that he’ll start a Better Caul Saul-like firm with Ser Larys, a.k.a. Littlefinger Lite, and become even more valuable to Alicent. (In this scenario, Criston is obviously in the Mike-like “muscle” role.) Of course, all of this will be for naught when Laenor returns and ruins Criston’s reputation by posting screenshots of his sexist and homophobic tweets from 2012.
5. Aegon pulls a Justin Bieber and retires at age 19
Aegon doesn’t even want to be king! So why not just let Rhaenyra have the crown? Wouldn’t that solve everyone’s problems? (Well, technically Rhaenys could have solved everyone’s problems by torching Aegon and his mom in Season 1 Episode 9 instead of suddenly developing a conscience after bursting through the floor and murdering scores of innocent people … but I digress.) Just let the famously lazy and philandering Aegon retire at Justin Bieber-age. Team Black FTW!
