For some guys, going bald is no big deal. They shrug and chuckle “Hair today, gone tomorrow!” For others, watching your forehead turn from a fivehead into a ninehead can feel like a loss of identity. Plus your balding reflection is a constant reminder that your rapidly aging body is a mortal husk prone to the effects of time and entropy that will ultimately wither and die. Aging is some scary ish. Between your receding gums and your receding hairline, it seems like it won’t be long till you’re just a straight up skeleton. Hair today, gone tomorrow, indeed.
Being bald is not exactly valued in our culture. There are no Hallmark cards that say “Congratulations! You’re going bald!” So I’d like to offer the following advice to all the sad young balding men out there coping with their own hair loss.
Shave your head
Mirrors and photos will mock you. You’ll feel the gaze of others lingering on your widow’s peak, the cleavage between your forehead’s boobs, which have steadily grown from A cups to double Ds, and you’ll want to scream “My eyes are down here!” Rather than develop a vicious case of spectrophobia, shave your head.
Now I’m not gonna argue bald is beautiful. You’ve heard that whole “Beauty is in the eye of the yada yada” before. Let’s face it: hair is nice, and there are so many cool hairstyles out there. Mohawks! Afros! Dreadlocks! Bowlcuts! Ponytails! Rattails! The Rachel! But luckily, there’s more important things in life than rocking a pompadour.
I started going bald in college, and the first time I shaved my head was a liberating experience. No longer could I hide behind my soft wispy emo bangs. Suddenly I was a hardheaded man with a shiny bullet dome. A shaved head lends you a bit of toughness. Sure, you might look like you escaped from an insane asylum, but crazy can be sexy too.
Recognize that you’re in good company
Statistically, 25% of guys begin balding by age 30, yet you’d think there were way less bald guys due to the media bias against balding. Couple that with the fact that many balding actors get hair transplants or hair plugs or whatever those rich wacky Hollywood weirdos do to their scalps, and it can feel like you’re drowning in a hairy Fabio sea of Brad Pitts and George Clooneys.
But you’re not alone. Many famous bald guys are action stars and comedians. Whenever you’re feeling insecure about your lack of follicles, call upon Earth’s baldies. Michael Jordan. Jason Statham. Larry David. Louis CK. Samuel L. Jackson. Jack Nicholson. You’re in good company. Don’t let TV tell you any different. You think Bruce Willis gets all butthurt when he sees Hair Club commercials? Hell no. John McClane says “Yippee-ki-yay, muthafucka!” and kicks his bare feet through the TV screen.
Of course, some people will be turned off by your bald head. That’s OK. Getting rejected sucks, but you can’t win em all. For others, it’ll be a turn on. So long as you develop traits and skills besides personal hairstyling, like slamdunking basketballs, cracking jokes, and otherwise being a good person, you’ll have no trouble getting laid, or at least no more trouble than dudes with bowlcuts.
Use your words
Words are thoughts, and thoughts shape emotions. If you tell yourself you’re a bald ugly loser with a speckled egglike head, you’ll be right. If you tell yourself you’re a shiny baldheaded badass with an aerodynamic dome, you’ll be right, too.
Sometimes just hearing the B-word can make a bald guy cringe, even if it’s being used to describe tires or mountains or eagles. Nobody likes those things, right? They’re all terrible! Bald stuff sucks! Well, I like reclaiming ‘bald’ by inserting it into common phrases and songs. For instance:
- Ba-ba-ba-ba-bald, bald to the bone.
- You know I’m bald, I’m bald, you know it, uh!
- Fortune favors the bald.
Also, ever notice how aliens are usually bald? Little green men would look waaay weird with Justin Bieber hair. Perhaps it’s a sign that we’re evolving away from our hairy tree-climbing ancestors. Just think, by the 24th century, science will have mastered teleportation, warp speed, holodeck technology, and the 3D printing of food, but men will still go bald. It won’t matter though. If you’re lucky enough to join Captain Jean-Luc Picard on the Starship Enterprise, you’ll get to explore strange new worlds, seek out new life and new civilizations, and baldly go where no one has gone before.
So there you have it, my band of balding brothers. Of course, buy Rogaine if you want. I’m just some old bald guy, what do I know? But I realized long ago that an electric razor is way cheaper than a daily dose of minoxidil, and I haven’t had a bad hair day since.
And hey, at least male pattern baldness is orderly. Male chaotic baldness would be way worse.
Now go bald or go home.