7 Signs You Need To Take A Break From Dating And Work On Yourself

We all know that woman: You know, the one who always jumps from guy to guy and never takes a break to just be single and focus on herself for once.

She’s that friend of yours with low self-esteem, and she isn’t exactly pleased with her current situation in life. Therefore, she needs constant male attention. She uses validation from men, alcohol or sex to distract herself from her sh*tty reality.

Maybe you’re that woman. Maybe you just need someone to help you understand why it’s important to boycott men for a while. It’s OK if your reality is sh*tty, by the way. But try to fix it. Work on things. Face your reality instead of letting guys distract you with their temporary ego boosts.

No matter how into you he seems to be, it will never last. Why? Because you don’t know how to be happy without male attention, which means you obviously don’t love yourself. That means you likely have several self-destructive tendencies (like substance abuse or pathological lying).

Those truths always come out, which is why guys don’t stick around for that long. Sorry, girl.

This might sound harsh, but I’m only saying this because I believe in tough love. It’s OK to be harsh if you’re getting a helpful message across to someone you care about. So, in that spirit, here are seven signs you should definitely not be dating anyone:

1. You only seem to have fun with him when you’re drinking alcohol.

Do you find that when you’re dating someone, you don’t enjoy sober sex? Do you find you don’t enjoy hanging out with him as much if there’s no alcohol involved? If he takes you for brunch, are you ordering mimosa after mimosa instead of opting for that healthy green tea? If you’re always suggesting dates that involve opportunities for you to drink, you may want to switch it up. He will catch on eventually, and call you out on it. I predict an awkward conversation about substance abuse coming your way.

This all comes back to loving yourself. You won’t need to drink a bunch of booze to have fun if you get to a place where you truly love yourself. If you’re not there yet, it’s OK. But you owe it to yourself to stay single until you get there.

2. You’re addicted to male attention or validation.

Maybe love is a drug for you. As soon as you experience the high his attention gives you, you crave it more and more. You find yourself choosing this man you just met over your best friends because you need that attention and require the uplifting validation he gives you.

Nobody will argue that the high you get after an amazing date isn’t awesome. But when you’re prioritizing someone you just met over your friends and family, you’re swimming in dangerous waters. Be careful how often you leave your best friend in the dust for a guy you just met. She’s the one you ultimately need, not him.

He might not even be around anymore when all those truths you’ve been covering up start to come out. If you suddenly forget about your friends the moment a guy shows you positive attention, you definitely should stop dating before you lose the people in your life who truly matter.

3. You lie to guys about your job.

If you’re telling guys you’re a Marketing Executive when you’re really a Junior Marketing Assistant, something’s not right. Bending the truth is a huge red flag.

If you’re doing this, you’re demonstrating that you’re not happy with where you are in life, which is why you feel the need to lie in order to impress the man you’re dating. You’re fabricating a better reality for the sake of his perception of you, rather than owning up to who you really are. You’re a sham, which means dating you is a sham.

If he’s crazy about this contrived version of you, you’re simply living a fantasy. Perhaps you want him to perceive you in a certain way, and lying gives you ego-boosting power because it allows you to be viewed in the positive way you desire. Either way, you likely suffer from self-esteem issues and ultimately, this dishonesty is only going to make you feel worse about yourself in the long run.

If you’re not where you want to be career-wise, dating is the last thing you should be doing because it distracts your focus. You can become obsessed with each other, which distracts you from focusing on your career. He could give you mixed signals and drive you nuts. Again, that distracts you from focusing on yourself.

Job hunting is a full-time job. Even if you just want a promotion, that’s still a sh*t ton of work and focus needed to get there. To be a girl boss, you need drive. If you’re flying off to Cuba with your flavor of the month instead of hustling, your mind is clearly elsewhere.

Boredom motivates the pursuit of new goals, and being single motivates us to better ourselves. I’m talking no guys.

Say no to Tinder. Don’t text your ex. Don’t have one-night stands who you go for breakfast with the next morning, and then accidentally start dating.

You should have no male attention at all. It sounds rough, but it’s good for you. I promise.

4. You lie to guys about lots of little things.

Is there other stuff you lie to the guys you’re dating about? Do you spin a little web of lies? The real question is, do you really think the truth is not going to come out eventually?

Then what? Will he forgive you for lying because you’re hot? Keep me updated because I’d love to know how that works out for you.

I have friends who lie to guys about lots of stuff, either out of embarrassment, a desire to have power over them that only comes from being perceived in a certain way or in an effort to trap them under their spell because they need attention.

One of my friends is 30 years old, and has always lived with her parents. But she tells every guy she dates, “I literally just moved back home to save money for a few months because my lease was up and I thought it was a good opportunity to give myself a break financially.”

Clearly, she’s pretending her permanent living situation is only temporary. I can forgive her for that one white lie, I guess. But if someone’s lying about lots of stuff like that, it can be a sign of a pretty serious personality disorder.

If you lie to the guys you date, you’re taking a shortcut to the land of zero respect. All of your lies will be out in the open soon enough. But hey, at least you look hot in a bikini.

5. You don’t feel happy or complete without a man in your life.

There shouldn’t be a significant contrast between how happy you are when you’re single and how happy you are when you’re in a relationship. It’s normal to be a little happier once you find a great man, but it’s a warning sign if you’re significantly happier than you were when you were single.

You should be happy and glowing when you’re single, too. You shouldn’t need anyone else to make you feel whole. It’s crucial that you feel awesome even when you’re completely alone. This state of mind will be achieved once you find your purpose, your gift, your direction and your love for yourself.

6. He’s all you can talk about, and everyone hates it.

You might think everything he says and does is adorable, but nobody else cares. When all you ever do is talk about some guy, you’re freakin’ boring to talk to and people are going to stop wanting to hang out with you.

If you’re the type of woman who’s always in a new relationship that never lasts, and you always say you’re crazy about each other, you’re just the woman who cries “wolf.” Do this enough times, and people will just stop caring about your dating life.

If your friends are rolling their eyes and predicting you’ll be in yet another failed relationship instead of being happy for you, it’s a clear sign they’re picking up on your destructive patterns. It’s not a sign your friends are just a bunch of cold-hearted bitches.

7. You feel trapped in a metaphorical prison.

If your own self-limiting mindset is causing you to fall behind in life, you may very well be trapped in your own metaphorical prison. If you’re unhappy with where you are in life, you’re not self-motivated. You aren’t reaching your full potential. One thing’s for sure: You’ll likely feel anxious quite often.

If this is the case, your ability to truly open up to a guy you’re dating will be severely inhibited. Being trapped within your own limitations will prevent you from forming a genuine connection with a guy. It’s probably best to get your house in order and free yourself from the prison you’re locked up in before you date anyone. The future you — who is way more awesome — will thank you for it.

Erica Gordon is the author of Aren’t You Glad You Read This? The Complete How-To Guide for Singles with a History of Failed Relationships Who Want their Next Relationship to Succeed, available here.