I’ve heard plenty of girls bitch and complain about not being able to find a nice guy, whining about how all the good ones are taken or gay. I’ve even done it myself once or twice, or maybe even more but who’s counting. We have fallen into these traps and its time someone calls us out. To all the nice guys out there, I am so sorry for my previous behavior and the behavior of women everywhere. We have friend-zoned you, and held you up to impossible standards as I am sure those before and after us have as well. I can’t promise you nice guys this will never happen again, but I can call out those of us who have done these things.
So ladies, this is for you:
You friend zone all the nice ones.
When you finally find a guy that actually a decent human, you almost automatically put him in the friend zone. You leave him hanging there in friendship limbo and wanting you and wanting more.
If a guy is giving you attention and is nice, it means he is interested in you, its not that complicated. He likes you and probably wants more than listening to you bitch about how you can’t find a nice guy. Then you say things like “why can’t I find a nice guy like you?” As he listens, his heart slowly breaks into a million and one pieces because he knows that he can offer you everything you are looking for and more if given the chance. But when confronted with the fact that your best guy friend maybe the nicest guy, you will say that you value his friendship and don’t want to risk losing it all. At this point, he is quietly banging his head against the wall because you make no sense.
You have unrealistic expectations.
You have set your expectations too high. Sure, we all would love to find a guy who has at least a 6-figure salary, his own place, a great personality and a fantastic relationship with his mother. He is just over 6 feet tall with a full head of hair, no previous relationship baggage and can cook very well.
Ideally, he also loves to travel and can speak more than two languages. He enjoys the things you do and loves dogs, children and your strange family. Unfortunately for us women, these men make up only about 10% of the population and half of them are gay. Sure you might get lucky and find one, but the reality is you might not. There are tons of nice guys who might not be rich and are only 5’7”, and they are super sweet and willing to do anything for the right lady.
You end up with a fixer upper.
Everything about the guy is just right, except for one fatal flaw and all you want to do is fix it so he can be perfect. You can’t accept him for who he is, you just want to fix him to make him perfect in your eyes. So what if he has a messy closet, will you really be spending time in there? Women are constantly demanding to be accepted, as they are, warts and all. But once the tables are turned, the projects begin. We’ve all done this, the “he would be perfect if…” We need to love someone for who they are and who they can become, not for what we think we can make them if we are lucky.
You equate asshole personalities with masculinity.
There, I said it. As many problems as there are with cultural portrayals of women, there are just as many problems with the portrayals of men.
Somewhere in the development of popular culture, the ideal man became the asshole. He isn’t the smartest or the nicest but he is superiorly good looking and doesn’t seem to care. Whether it is reality TV or something scripted, the nice guy is almost never the cool/masculine guy. Look at any teen movie or show, it is always the best friend that is the nice guy and the “cool asshole” is who the girl wants to be with, ignoring the nice guy and friend zoning him (See reason #1).
We’ve been conditioned to believe that asshole and masculinity go hand in hand, the same why that we’ve been conditioned to strive for unrealistic beauty ideals (which is a completely different story).
You look in all the wrong places.
Very rarely do you meet the man of your dream at 2 am on a Friday night in some 24-hour diner when you are drunk. The man showing off in the VIP section probably doesn’t care whom you are, as long as you have nice tits. The frat star buying you shot after shot most likely doesn’t want to you to meet his mom. And the guy who drags you to the after hours strip club isn’t the type you take home for the holidays. Looking for love at the bar or the club isn’t the best idea. These are great places if you are looking for a physical relationship, but maybe not if you are looking a kind and caring partner.
Try talking to the guy reading in the coffee shop or flirting with the one who walks his dog past your apartment building everyday. You want the type of guy whose weekend plans are more substantial than “drink, drunk, sleep, smoke, repeat.”
It’s not him, it’s you.
Turns out, one of the reason you can’t find a nice guy is because you are a shallow person. This is similar to having too high expectations, but it’s a little more personal. You love to gossip and have no problem stabbing people in the back just to make sure you get your way. You put material possessions and physical appearances above all else, making it almost impossible to please you without an exotic sports car and designer labels to match.
No wonder you can’t find a nice guy, because you aren’t looking for a nice guy. You are looking for some arm candy or to be arm candy and a lot of the time that comes without the nice personality you claim to crave.