What Taking A Barre Class Is Really Like

As a former dancer and long-time fitness enthusiast, I love finding new workouts to try, especially those in the dance/yoga/Pilates family. I consider myself relatively in shape, so when I discovered barre classes, I figured that given my overall good health and dance background, they’d be a walk in the park.

I was wrong.

I’ve just completed my intro month at Pure Barre and as a workout, it’s no joke. Over the course of a month I’ve seen myself get stronger and become increasingly hooked on the workout, to the point that I’m now trying to create a budgeting strategy that will allow me to continue my addiction… I mean, hobby. Below is my inner monologue from some of my first Pure Barre classes. Other barre fanatics will definitely relate.

Pre-Class

Where do I sit?
Everyone here has friends with them. Am I the class loner?
These girls’ outfits look so put together. I don’t own enough Lululemon to incorporate Pure Barre into my lifestyle.
I definitely should’ve worn longer leggings. This capri-yoga pants/sock combo has me looking like someone’s mom at a step aerobics class.
I shouldn’t have gotten here so early. I can only fake-stretch for five minutes tops.

Warm Up

Aaaand we’re jumping right into this warm-up.
Is the instructor’s microphone really necessary? There’s like, 15 people here.
Opposite elbow to opposite knee? What am I, a gymnast?
(Looking around room) Is everyone else in here a gymnast?
Holy abs.
I’m already breaking a sweat.
I’m the only one already breaking a sweat.
This is the longest Katy Perry remix in the world.
What if I die here? I guess I did sign the liability waiver…

Arms

Pffft, three pound weights — this is child’s play.
These moves seem simple enough…
…okay, now these weights are getting heavy.
I don’t think the girl in front of me even needs weights with that huge rock on her finger.
I think my triceps may fall off.
Finally done — time to stretch!
Okay, that was the shortest stretch EVER.

Legs

Why am I the sweatiest person in class? Do these other girls feel the same pain that I do?
What is this “tuck” you speak of.
Oh, pelvic thrust. Just say that!
I guess barre-goers feel better about spending $25+ on a class “tucking” rather than ”thrusting.”
The shaking begins.
“You’re stronger than this exercise!” AM I, THOUGH?
Is there an earthquake in here because my legs are off the Richter scale! Just kidding. There’s no joking in barre.

Glutes

Now for the “seat” work — what a weird name. Are we really playing Nicki Minaj in class but we aren’t allowed to say the word “butt?”
Can we get some more specific instructions in here? “It’s circle, and circle” YEAH I GET THAT PART.
Ok, the instructor just came over and asked my name, but didn’t correct me or tell me my form is good. Am I in trouble?
I feel this move on the wrong side.
Wait, if I’m working the wrong side, but doing both sides, it’s ok… right?
There is one guy in this class, and he has a nicer ass than everyone.
Crap, I think he can tell I’m looking at his ass.

Against-The-Wall Abs

More tucking?!
There’s no way this looks cute.
How is that girl’s leg reaching her face?
Time to speed things up, aka abs on crack.
Time to come to terms with the fact that I just paid $25 to raise my leg one inch for an hour.
I can lift my leg one inch at work, and they pay me.

Actual Abs

This class has so many abs sections. Barre: 40% abs, 20% barre, 10% luck, 20% skill, 10% Beyonce remixes.
I thought the whole idea of barre was no crunches.
The instructor said my form is good! I’ve got this move.
Ok, this move…. not so much.

Weird Pelvic-Thrusting Section With The Lights Off

Pelvic thrusts to end class, because what else would we do?
At least they have the lights off for this part so nobody can see how weird I look.
Actually, I can’t decide if having the lights off makes it weirder, or less weird.
Did I just make eye contact with someone? Awkward…

Stretching